Suppose just an xp rant but also a wwyd?

[Offred]

In the last few months xp (who has bpd) has caused disruption by proposing to take children (7 and 5) on holiday to Spain for two weeks with his alcoholic mother despite not being able to cope caring for them at home for more than a couple of hours (with his gf/dsis). We said no way as things stand but that if he took a more fatherly role and more responsibilty and built up to it then it would be fine providing his mother and her drinking was not there and the children felt old enough to cope.

Cue us going away for a weekend for our anniversary and xp having ds and dd. On the sat afternoon xp cracks open the booze and gives ds (7) a taste, puts the children to bed and ds wakes up very feverish and struggling to breathe (croup). Xp sits up with him all night. I call at 11am to check up, xp says ds "has been really wheezy all night, had trouble breathing" I ask who he had called (my mum - GP or on call doc) he says neither I ask why not called me, he says didn't want to disturb us, my mum had to come and remove the dcs because he can no longer cope.

When I get home dcs STILL stink of cigarettes and I decide he didn't call the doctor because he was smoking in the house with a child he thought was wheezy and then watching him in a panic about getting caught.

The holiday has never been spoken about again. Now he has gone back to disinterested 2 hours of contact weekly where he comes regularly but at an inconvenient time and doesn't want to see them when he is free.

Tonight ds has come back talking about a story daddy told him about a fight he had and how "you don't hit girls" and proceeded to throw a book off his top bunk at his 2 year old brother's head because he wouldn't go to bed...

I am just :( and so angry! How do I deal with this?! I have txt xp to say there's no reason ever to talk to ds about fighting and he loves him even without exciting stories. He says if he knew more about what was going on at home he would be able to take it into account, I am - why does he think he doesn't know more about the dcs home lives?!?!?! Have refrained from telling him that... Gah...

I'm not sure it is just about wanting to, it sounds as though you have a lot of support whereas xp is still living in the family situation that contributed to his condition. I also think our mh services are total shit here.

Offred (handmaids tale?) yes, but if he's choosing to live in that situation knowing his diagnosis then he's choosing not to get better! My family contributed to my illness, and I chose to sever contact with my mother.

Mh services are another matter. I'm lucky, I live in Glasgow where these things are treated as priority by the clinical psychology team and my personal psychologist is the head of service and just amazing.

Dunno how much influence you have, but the things shown to work are dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and Schema therapy, or an individualised program like I have. But if someone is determined to get well, it can be done!

Hmm, I don't think he makes choices. All his family are leaning on him.

Yes courts are rubbish. They dont deal well with risks to DC from non resident parents. Avoid. I'd leave things exactly the same, put off any requests , if I were you. Keep him to short and sweet contacts that you know work. All you are doing is keeping contact going. Say I'm concerned about this x y z each time. Record each incident, health problem, not turning up, last minute changes, times his mum was drunk, in a diary you keep especially.
My DC have a safety plan, as their dad is abusive (& they are court ordered to go). I see your DS is 7, can you send him with a cheap mobile phone (PAYG) like I do ? (DS and I hide it together, he texts me to let me know all is well. If he texts 'help' I ask police to do welfare check). Programme your number, that of OOHS GP and police into it. That way, you DS can call you or for help, if he is unwell or if there is a serious problem. GPs only need one call of "I cant breathe but daddy is doing nothing" from your DC and he'd be subject to an awful lot of scrutiny after that.