Mother-in-law relationship troubles (here we go again) - please help!

[Korinna]

Hello all!

Please help me make sense of my relationship with my mother in law.

The basic truth is, I do not like her very much.

She has one subject of her conversation: herself; she complains constantly about everything; she reads cheap tabloid press and believes in it as it was documentary evidence (I am a historian... can not tell you how much this faith in the popular press grates me); hates 'the poor' and the 'immigrants' when most of her family lives on benefits (I am not British and worked and paid taxes in this country since 1997 so, in fact, I am actively subsidising members of her family but...) she takes her other granddaughter on holiday with her twice a year whereas my children have not even been taken for a day out; she smokes like a chimney and her house smells like an ashtray; as soon as I have given birth she has stopped buying me anything for my Christmas or birthday because 'presents are for children now'; she resents us for being happy and living in 'a happy bubble' when we have actually chosen to see the positive in our situation (which has good sides and bad sides, like most) and make the best of it.

I have tried really hard to make friends and be nice, including taking her on holidays to my parents to my home country (I am from Tuscany) where olive groves, rolling hills and Florence palaces were all lost to her because there was not 'proper tea' anywhere and you can not eat dinner at 4.30 in the afternoon in Florence. And of course she has never invited my parents back.

I have really tried - I think - she would talk to me for a whole afternoon and then she would say that she does not want anybody to get close to her; for the past few eyars the hone calls were all about how much she hated caring for her dad (who was really sweet) and when the poor man died then the phone calls morphed in 'poor me now I have no-one' with zero memory of all the poison she spat out at him in the past.

So now I have backed off a little - when she calls I let my husband speak to her but I dread the moment when she is coming to visit - she is completely normal when mo OH is around but as soon we're on our own the monologue of complaint begins!

And yet... I am sorry because I wish that we could have a better relationship ... but it looks like the only role she wants me to have is just listen to the torrent of grief/hatred and shake my head pupet-like at regular intervals...

so there, what should my tactic be to have a better relationship?

I honestly don't think you need a tactic for a better relationship with this woman, she is ignorant, set in her ways and I suggest you get on with your own lifes without her. You can't change her into being a likable person, and I think you have done a wonderful job of trying to make her welcome into your family unit but ultimately she is who she is and always will be the same.

Hmm, well, first thoughts are to manage events so that your husband is around all the time when she is with you!
Nod and smile, whilst inwardly planning your shopping list. Limit her visits as far as possible.
You cannot change her. A better relationship is a two-way street and you can't do it alone. You sound like you've tried very hard. That's probably as much as you can do.

Have you tried all the great MN lines when she's moaning? Said bright and breezily with a smile -

"Oh, you sounded really rude then. Did you mean to be as rude as you sounded?"
"Goodness, you need to think about what you say; If anyone heard you say that they'd think you were a bigoted old cow."
"Im surprised you came, you always come across as though you hate being here."

Give up and let your DH do the duty visits.

You'll never change her.

I think you need to get back in charge here. Let your dh visit or take her out for lunch etc and you meet up later or not at all, depending how you feel.
Does your dh know how you feel? You dont mention his view on her behaviour or does she hide it? My mil is a bitch to me when dh is not around, when hes around she is sweetness itself.

Hi everyone,Im newbie here..anyway my problem is my inlaws and the rest of there family hated me.I don't know what to do before we moved in together we are good friends but suddenly they decided to live together but i told my husband i don't think is a good idea to live with them just to stay away of arguements and language problem I cannot understand sometime the way they speak and they cannot understand the way i speak too so frustrating and very depress this whole situation plus they don't talk to me face to face if i did something wrong .im a bit upset because im very open to them and they don't even share to me whats there feelings they keep talking behind my back. which i call them sweet innocent inlaws.

Also the rest of there family against of living with us.We had arguements twice and all the painful words that they throw it on my face will not erase on my mind until now i have no proper communication with them and they are insecure and manipulative,trying to control there son and if my husband bought some nice present they are moaning and think that i riff off his son.Im not a bad person.all i can think is to move on my life because i cannot be like this forever I have no space and they keep spying what im doing in the house..i need some advice please.coz i have no happiness and no peace of mind.

Hi pinaypie and welcome to MN; having said that, I think you will do better to start your own thread; it's not really fair to Korinna to use hers, and you will get more personalised replies if you do your own. Go to the top of this thread, click on the bit which says Relationships. It will take you to a list of threads bit there will be a blue link saying Start a new thread, and click it. Then give your new thread a heading (IL problems, or something) and take it from there.

Korinna, sorry about your MIL trouble. She sounds unbearable, but I really don't think there's much you can do except minimise the time you have to spend with her. Is your dh aware of how difficult you find her, and is he sympathetic? That would make a heck of a lot of difference as you can tackle the problem together. Otherwise, you are going to have to try to make sure your dh is there the whole time that she is, and spend more time at work/with friends/at the gym/in another room doing something important where you mustn't be disturbed.

I agree that DH needs to take most some of the strain. My MIL is an effort constantly at times but I'll try to rise above it but only to a certain degree. Objectionable views get challenged ( see excellent put downs from mushroom ). The thing I hate is when she says she's like a mother to me . My mum died over ten yrs ago and I can feel her rotating in her grave everytime she says it.
Get DH to take ownership. She belongs to him.

OP, I could have written your post myself. I did follow MN advice and she told me she never wanted to see me again. She has now changed her mind but I'm not ready yet. It's such a relief to not have the constant moaning and negativity. (I pulled her up about complaining about her Husband and Grandson in front of my children).
I don't know how we'll move forward but I think that this is the first time in her life she's been pulled up on her behaviour. Yes we have lost some babysitting but that was always guilt fuelled and to be honest, missing out on a few social events is the least to pay. Good luck, please pm me if you want more details, don't like putting it all "out there" on here!

Korinna

I would limit all forms of contact with your MIL and raise your boundaries even higher re her. Do not have her within your home. You have got and continue to receive nothing from this particular relationship. Both of you need to put on a united front with regards to this person.

Was wondering how your H gets along with his mother these days.
He may be still seeking her approval subconsiously; also he has had a lifetime of her conditioning and may thus regard her behaviours as "normal". These people do not and never will play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations.

Reading "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward could help you further.

Your MIL is toxic and unfortunately such people cannot be at all reasoned with. You have tried your best as you are fundamentally a nice person but this type of person sees kindness and grace as weaknesses to be exploited.

Perhaps I have misread this OP but I suspect your MIL actually really likes and admires you - to the extent where she feels able to 'unload' her troubles to you and be herself (albeit not a very nice self!). However, these feelings are also overshadowed by jealousy as you have found a happiness in your life (with her son), which has eluded her.

Your MIL sounds mean spirited, but you can't change that. You have done as much as you reasonably could - and more than most would have done; just minimise contact as much as you politely can and carry on being happy!

This one to me looks more a case of, I don't know, a sad lonely bitter old woman rather than active toxicity.....

That said, let your husband deal with her.

Maybe she hasn't invited your parents over as she feels her fag filled house and benefits can't possibly compete with the rolling olive groves and Tuscan countryside....or maybe that as she moaned about the lack of decent tea, maybe your parents would moan the lack of a perfect espresso.....

After 20 years of putting up with my MIL, I've decided I'm sick of being nice and playing the dumb DIL. I have come to the conclusion that she's not my mother and my husband should deal with that. Remember: just because you are married to your husband, you are not related to your MIL. Keep conversations with her short and polite but don't offer anything you don't want to. You deserve to be happy.