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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Orgasm alone but not together?

10 replies

Halfway · 28/05/2012 14:20

This is something thats been niggling at my mind for a while now, as I'm not sure whether its something that should concern me or if its just normal variation.

I've always had what I would consider a fairly robust sexual drive (am female), and have always taken care of myself sexually on a regular basis with or without a partner around.

I very much enjoy sex with other people, and for the last few years my DH (whom I am very happy with and attracted to). But I find I deliberately avoid reaching orgasm when with someone else, for some reason I really don't understand.

I orgasm fine when I am on my own, and I know I am capable of reaching orgasm with DH because I can feel it approaching (and then something kicks in mentally and stops it), and because early in my sexual exploration I did orgasm a few times with partners but hated it! Brought on massive feelings of emotional discomfort, shame and disgust in myself (I don't know why!).

Because of this I usually fake it with DH (and take care of things privately), as I don't understand the problem myself, and I feel a bit awkward/confused about the whole thing, but I can't help wondering whether its an issue I should 'do something about', or whether its normal for some people to just live like this.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 28/05/2012 14:29

I wouldn't say it's normal to feel shame and disgust at orgasming in front of a loving partner, can you identify why you feel that?

Halfway · 28/05/2012 14:44

CailinDana thanks for the reply. I have to say I really don't understand the response at all... and its like it came out of nowhere once I began being sexually active with other people.

I have no conscious hangups about sex itself, and would describe myself as fairly uninhibited... its just the orgasm itself. I would describe it almost as the same uncomfortable/shameful feeling as if I were forced to use the toilet in front of someone, or had an accident.

I have no idea why as I certainly don't see my partner's orgasm that way, and I dont' consider myself 'dirty' in any way, I wonder if its more about the physical 'loss of control' in some way. I'll keep thinking on it... I'm also wondering if there are others with similar experience, or any 'name' for this (any google search with the word orgasm just brings back porn!).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2012 14:46

Obviously for you orgasm is a very private pleasure. Maybe it makes you feel a little vulnerable or out of control and you don't want another person to have that kind of influence over you.?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2012 14:47

x-post, sorry

GinPalace · 28/05/2012 14:49

I have similar thing - I find I have to not think about it or as soon as I allow conscious thought in, I can't climax at all. I do orgasm with DH but it can be elusive and the difference is all in my head and nothing he is/isn't doing. I have had it with all my sexual partners and I know it is me not them. I don't understand it either.

I put it down to having quite a sex-and-bodies-are-taboo upbringing, but as I can't do much about it I don't dig deeper. We still have a good sex life and it rarely frustrate me these days as I am better as not-thinking.

On my own there is no problem.

So no answers for you I'm afraid - except you aren't alone. :)

Halfway · 28/05/2012 22:58

Thanks for the replies.

GinPalace Do you mind if I ask how you feel after you do achieve orgasm with someone?

The reason I ask is that I think I probably could force myself to, or switch off my brain enough to... but the awful emotional backlash from my previous experiences is enough to put me off even wanting to orgasm when I'm not alone. I sometimes wonder if I should just make myself do it, keep doing it and hope I 'get over it', or whether that will end up creating even more of an aversion.

OP posts:
alsteff · 28/05/2012 23:20

just jumping in......I think you should 'make yourself' do it and that you will get over it with practice, once you realise that nothing bad is going to happen, quite the opposite, you could open up a whole world of possibilities for you and your partner.

GinPalace · 29/05/2012 12:19

I don't mind you asking.

I have only ever climaxed with two partners (both long term) though I have had a few more (maybe 10 total). This was only possible as I felt totally 'safe' with them (i.e not emotionally exposed/vulnerable)

I have always enjoyed sex though.

The ones I didn't climax with, I just couldn't get past the feeling of loss of control, emotional exposure and feeling vulnerable. I didn't have strong feelings of obvious disgust as such, but no way could I go over the edge in the company of someone else. Couldn't say why - it's just how I am.

The two with whom I did go all way (one is now dh) the difference was the total trust I had with them. The first it took me a year to get there, and that year was a slow development of deep trust. It took that long as (despite him obviously being patient and keen on me) he struggled to understand the problem and would get upset/angry about it which just shut me down and prevented me relaxing - making it a Big Goal made me think about it and that was exactly what I mustn't do! He thought it was something he was doing, what was the matter etc etc and couldn't accept it was just how it was.

Eventually though, despite his worries, I got him to take the spotlight off it, and then it was able to happen, after that it was plain sailing as he relaxed, and so I could and the trust was there, so then there was no stopping us! Blush

The second (dh) it was much faster (think about 3 months) as he was much more being all about whatever I said went, and it didn't matter, and I mustn't worry, it was nice if I did but not the be all and end all. So long as I enjoyed it etc etc. This meant it was just a bonus not the end goal. That meant I could not 'think' about it.

To conclude, having got all that trust, I felt fine when I went over the edge, no crisis or revulsion. But the inhibitions are so strong getting there at all is a pretty big thing. I couldn't honestly put a label on the inhibitions, maybe shame, maybe loss of control.... maybe a whole combination of things.

Now we have a great sex life and I usually orgasm first, but I still can't do it if I have my eyes open!

Nuts isn't it.

So I guess we're a bit different if similar, I would say that being open about what is going on with your partner is helpful (assuming he is a nice person) because you may be surprised about the pragmatic accepting point of view he has on it (? I was!)

If you are able to open up about the complexities in your head behind the orgasm (or not), it is likely he can reassure.

Also, if he has the heads-up, you will know if you go all 'peculiar' at the event he won't be caught by surprised. So you will not worry about your own reaction so much, then whatever happens, happens. Thus, if you do still feel hideous, he will be expecting it and can sweep you into a huge big hug which will make you feel better and gradually you may be able to get past those feelings and find it becomes much more natural.

I think the fact that you are currently faking it, whilst it maintains an even keel and maintains a comfortable status quo, it isn't actually going to ever alter it, or get you to a place where you aren't getting that problem reduced/sorted. So if you would like to be able to do it with him, I think you need to approach it a bit differently.

HTH

Good luck. :)

Halfway · 29/05/2012 12:31

Thank you very much GinPalace, not only answered my question but gave me a lot of very useful advice too. I really appreciate it, and have a lot to think about. Smile

I think there is enough similarity between our situations that what has worked for you is definitely worth trying in my case. Thanks again!

OP posts:
GinPalace · 29/05/2012 21:10

Pleased to help. Hope it goes OK. Took me a while, even with DH for it to become second nature, so be patient with yourself. :)

Good luck!

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