Self esteem

[Name7]

Hi, have asked this before elsewhere but not many replies. I have lIved my life with almost no self esteem. I was bullied at all my schools ( I moved alot). My mum says its because I wouldn't be forced or compromised into anything and that is actually a strength.
I now have 2 daughters, one who is very shy. I'm dreading her having the same school life that I had. Do any of you know any good techniques for improving self esteem? I'd love to show them that you don't need to hate yourself like I still do. Thanks

Shyness isnt always an indicator of a lack of self esteem. My sister is incredibly shy yet has such amazing self belief! She knows that she is clever, talented, loved and very good at what she does. That she isnt great at meeting new people is kind of by-the-by.

I on the other hand do faux confidence. I will be the life and soul of the party but will obsess for years afterwards (really, years) about something I said that someone didnt laugh at, or was a wee bit inappropriate. My self esteem is rock bottom, but no one who met me would ever believe that.

If your DD is happy and content then I wouldnt worry too much :)

Showing your anxiety, dread and fears are guaranteed to affect your child negatively.

Here are William and Martha Sears on developing self esteem in children. You don't have to go all the AP way.

I think nothing improves a child's self esteem better than developing competence at self care - being able to tie shoes, button buttons, wash herself and dry and dress, as well as doing some simple chores consistently and with encouragement from you for her efforts no matter how they turn out. The patient way you teach her these skills will make a big difference, and allowing her some reasonable choices about dress, etc., will also reap dividends.

No fake or overblown praise, and no generic 'good girl' either. Praise adequately and specifically.

Don't ever use the word 'shy' in front of your child. 'Like an arborist caring for a tree, your job is to nurture what's there, do what you can to structure your child's environment so that she grows strong and straight, and avoid whittling away at the tender branches.'

Also, ask her to some up with solutions to her own problems as they develop in school. Everyone has some problem in school. It's not the end of the world if she encounters a difficulty; it doesn't mean she is marked out for endless issues. Let her develop a sense of her own power to effect change.

Self-esteem comes from confidence which is generated by meeting challenges, succeeding.or - very important - learning to deal with failure. Confident people with high self-esteem impress themselves Unsure people with low self-esteem waste their lives trying please others. You can't turn an introvert into an extrovert but you can encourage your children to take a few chances in order to find their strengths, identify what makes them special and support & defend them in everything they do.

BTW... if anyone is bullied the response is 'zero tolerance'. I'm sure it wasn't her intention but your mum's attitude that you were picked on because you had particular characteristics is effectively blaming you for the treatment you suffered. That's a very quick way to smash a kid's self-esteem. You weren't bullied because you were uncompromising. You were bullied because your parents & teachers let you down. No child deserves to be bullied and, if you have any evidence it's going on with your own DC, move heaven and earth to get it to stop.... don't put the onus on the victim to change.

That makes sense thank you. I'm like bogeyface in that I'll obsess for years over events. I don't use the word shy and I hope I'm fostering her independence. I'm a teacher (secondary) and I have a reputation for being the one kids don't mess with, yet they always ask if they can be in my class. That has boosted my self esteem professionally but still in other situations I'm the lonely kid no one liked!

Also I deal with all bullying in class immediately. Kids come to me for help with it also as I have a reputation for nipping it in the bud. It sounds like I'm bragging, I hope I'm not but I do think school life is hard, especially if you're a teen and not in the "cool" groups. I hope I help them to see the only opinion that matters is their own.

Name7 you sound wonderful! As a side, if only all teachers genuinely cared as much as you. There was a lot of bullying at my secondary school in the late 80s, thankfully I wasn't bullied but my sister was, and the teachers just turned a blind eye. My parents didn't know how to deal with it, which didn't help. I can see why the children want to be in your class.

You confused bragging with pride. You should be proud of being such a well thought of and popular teacher :)

Agree you should be proud of yourself and your achievements!

Thank you , I remember teachers walking past me when girls were taking the piss out of my accent or just saying really nasty things. It is always because you are different but that doesn't make it ok. I always have a quiet word with the bullies, ask them to look at themselves and ask if they respect themselves when they are being mean. I think they expect me to only focus on the kid that's being bullied so they don't look at themselves.
It is a cliche, but most bullies are very insecure. However if I have no joy I always refer it on and never let it lie until its sorted. I think when I was at school most teachers were very standoffish and unhelpful.
How do I let stuff go? I will obsess over things for a long time. It has improved with age but still ....

The best self esteem guru is melanie fennell,
Her books are fab.