I?ve been feeling very down about a friendship I?m in and would welcome other people?s take on my situation.
I?ve a friend who moved into our area about four years ago. As her parents are old friends of my parents I offered out of kindness to meet her and help her settle in, showed her around a bit, recommended tradespeople, the usual thing. Since then as we both work part-time/freelance, we?ve met up for coffee and lunch regularly. Her kids are in their twenties and off her hands, mine are at uni and still at school so our lives are a bit different.
She?s kind and not a bad person but over the years I have become very disenchanted with her. She?s very definitely a cup half-empty person and her general demeanour is that life has dealt her a poor hand. I can?t see why ? husband has good job, she?s accomplished and intelligent, kids in work and relationships, nice house, own car etc etc. She?s incredibly money-conscious ? they are not poor but she takes a perverse pride in her skills in getting everything ? from catfood to car insurance - for the lowest possible price. They do everything, it seems, on the cheap. She?s very cynical about just about everything, you perceive that she thinks everyone was put on this earth for the sole purpose of ripping her and her family off.
For a long time I was able to laugh this off to myself but what is getting to me is she seems to be using me as a bit of a punchbag for her barbed comments and way of damning me with faint praise. My DH and I choose to live our lives differently. We do not always look for the cheapest deal but the one that suits us best. So last week when out with the ?friend? for a coffee, I found myself embroiled in a discussion about car insurance ? she had got hers recently very cheaply. I normally would simply smile and say well done but she seemed determined to draw me into an argument. She had spent hours if not days online seeking out this cheap deal. I replied that we use a broker and accept the best deal they offer us, as longstanding customers. She regularly has a little jibe at me for shopping at a particular supermarket online ? her supplier always gives her a better deal on delivery charges apparently. She seems obsessed with money ? in the sense of not spending it! And yet her parents boast to mine about how well off she and her DH are.
She had a real go at me some months ago because DH and I use decorators. DH works away and prefers to pay to have such work done because we don?t have the time and prefer not to use our leisure time in that way. I sensed she was outraged because her DH expects her to decorate their house.
She makes a big deal about cars and if ever she picks me up, always jokes like ?...if you can bear to go in my old wreck of a car..? because mine is quite new. When I once gave her a lift in winter, I said I had put on the heated seats and she snapped back ?oh I hate them, they always make you feel like you?ve wet yourself...?
The latest thing that pushed me over the edge last week was the way she asks a loaded question, often money-related, where she knows full well the answer is going to upset her. This time it was about my DS2 who has just passed his driving test. We live in rural area and when DS1 passed his four years ago we helped him buy a car and helped pay for the insurance. ?Friend? disapproved strongly of this, as her son, years ago, could only have an ?old banger?. So this time she wanted to know if and when DS2 was getting a car. I found myself having to almost defend myself and my family. I hate talking about money ? I?ve been brought up that it?s in bad taste.
I am really sick of these little jibes and pokes, done under the cover of friendship. Is this classed as passive aggressive behaviour?
I could understand if I was a real show off but I?m not! That?s another facet of my upbringing and my husband accuses me of hiding my light under a bushel. I hate offending people, I?m a people pleaser. I play down things we do and money we spend. But this latest incident upset me because I felt pushed into acting out of character and snapping back. Surely if we want to help our kids with cars, that?s our own affair?
DH thinks it?s all very simple ? she?s jealous of me. But if that was the case, surely she?d avoid me like the plague?
How do I back off from all this and possibly even extricate myself from what I think has become a toxic friendship. I get nothing out of it. I came home last week feeling like I?d been on trial, forced to defend my position all the time. She may ?get off? on trying to make me feel uncomfortable and I know that means she has problems. If I?m so awful why hasn?t she dropped me long before now?
Sorry for going into such detail but needed to talk about it somewhere and somehow. Have any of you had to get yourselves out of a friendship that?s doing you no good? And if so, any tips?
Thanks for listening