Friend talking about my DH in front of group of friends...

[OnlyMe1971]

Sorrfy but I just want to get this off my chest.
I went out with a bunch of girls from my local mums and tots group, all lovely women and we all get along very well, have known each other for over a year and there is a group of about 5 of us that click really well.
We went out recently and I asked an old friend of mine (of 20 years) to come out with us. I was having a very mild vent about DH and something he'd done to annoy me, where she (obviously maybe had a small bit too much wine) took up from where I left off but started talking about him in a way that I found unacceptable. I was taken aback at first so I said nothing but it didn't sit right with me and for the past week it's been eating me up.
DH is a very sweet guy, very friendly and chatty and would talk the legs off anyone he meets. So she started saying how he reminds her of a dog, all over enthusiastic and wagging his tail, and she was even doing an impression of a friendly dog. I felt she was laughing at him (she is great fun to be around but oftne pokes fun at people and not in a nice way).

She made reference to the fact that DH had helped her and her boyfriend when they were moving and how he was so "over friendly" and he reminded her of an auld lady who just wants to sit and gossip over a cup of tea.

So now, a week later I am hurt and annoyed. I don't really want to say anything to her but i am going to see a gig with her next week and have no idea how I'm going to behave normally around her.

What do you ladies think, was this appropriate behaviour or am I right to be p'd off?

Ach I think she was a bit pissed and said some stupid things and you should let it go.

Hmm, she went too far, but really, you should have said something at the time. Were you laughing at her comments? If so, you can hardly blame her.

I would just forget it. Of course, if she says anything similar again, you'd be within your rights to look stern and say the old MN classic "That sounded awfully rude, did you mean it to?"

Your husband sounds a sweetheart btw.

Yes Parakeet, he is a really nice, kind and sweet person.
No I was taken aback at the time and it was really only afterwards that I realised how bad it sounded. The thing is, she said it in front of a new group of friends some of whom haven't met Dh so I felt that wasn't on either, as now they have this image of him in their minds....
Anyway, yes, maybe I should leave it go.
Thank you, that does make me feel better already.

Well the impersonation of a dog sound a bit unpleasant to me. Just because someone is kind and eager to help, doesn't mean you should laugh at and humiliate them - especially not in front of their partner and friends.

Would she have said the same things if your DH had been there? If not, she was being abusive and unkind.

You have every right to call her up on it. Why aren't you?

jealous and wishing she had a kind DH herself? Sort of person who makes themselves feel better by putting others down. If it was me I'd be thinking that sometimes one grows out of friends and I've grown out of this one.

Don't worry about the others, they will make up their own minds.

The bit of your post that jumps out at me is she is great fun to be around but oftne pokes fun at people and not in a nice way

I think this is a bit of a hard lesson, that, old friend or not, she's quite happy to make the DH the butt of her unpleasant "jokes", and sooner or later she may even turn on you...

At a family gathering my cousin did a similar thing when talking about my mother (who has been dead quite a long time). I didn't know where to put myself but stupidly laughed along with her in misplaced politeness. I feel so cross with myself now.

TBH I would be furious if my friend said this about my DH.
I am pretty laid back at most things and at the moment I am in a bit of a bad mood with him BUT if anyone said anything or did anything like this I would bloody well have their guts for garters, long term friend or not.
I can't understand for the life of me why you didn't say ' Mate, come on, it's not like that. enough now'

She was disloyal and so were you for not saying something there and then.

I used to live with a bunch of gay guys who were ever so catty, so I became a bit like that myself. Sometimes I would say things and people would just look at me like this --> . I have gradually realised that it's not nice to be spiteful, even if it does make others laugh.

I think you should say something to her. Just mention how hurt you felt by her saying those things about your adorable DH.

It's very difficult to confront these things, but I do actually think you need to say something in this instance.

I would keep it simple, unapologetic and non-rambly.

I'd say 'I know you were having a laugh re dh, but I found it really disrespectful towards me' as that might be language someone alpha might understand.

Or if you are feeling brave 'I know you were having a laugh, but it actually made you look a bit nasty' (complete with a wince to show you felt a bit sorry for her).

Then don't say anything else, don't ramble nervously. Just let her answer.

If she says 'Oh sorry' etc great, you've made your point and she'll sit up and listen.

If she's defiant/defensive/unapologetic then maybe think of binning her.

Btw people like this never say things like this accidentally. They know what they are doing.

I think it´s difficult tbh as you started the criticism of your husband.

If you think she was drunk & trying to impress her audience, I would be aware & pick her up on it next time.

she sounds a bit of a nasty piece, making fun of other people to get laughs

tbh though, you were happy to call her "fun" when other people were in her firing line, weren't you ?

doesn't feel so good when it's you/yours

I would have had a word with her long before she started on my own husband along the lines of "it makes you sound mean when you take the piss out of X/Y, did you realise that?"

I always think you can say what you like about your own DH but god forbid anyone else who slates them!

Maybe her boyfriend is very unfriendly a miserable bastard and she is just jealous?
Still not an excuse for her behaviour really!

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Anyfucker, absolutely not, while I really enjoy and have enjoyed her company in the past, I have NEVER entertained it when she gets bitchy and I really feel uncomfortable when she discusses people in a nasty way and I inevitably change the subject, so your conclusion there is totally wrong.

Her boyfriend is a really nice guy, but is extremely shy.

She is a nice girl at heart but over the years I have distanced myself a little because of the not so nice stuff. However I have always disliked the idea of cutting someone out of my life, I am more about putting up boundaries, but in this case I think I let my DH down and I didn't know how to stick up for him. To be honest the moment was over before I knew it.

I was not criticising my husband when the converstaion started, merely venting about something he had done ot annoy me. I would NEVER criticise him in front of people.

Anyway I'm not here to defend myself but thank you all for the thoughts. I will think about what I am goingg to say to her. I will say something I think. THere have been other incidents in the past but this one I don't think I can let go.

I think you should have said something at the time. I think its to late now, but if she does it again, be sure to put a stop to it there and then.

It would upset/annoy me and I think it was out of order for her to do that - drunk or not, it is a revealing insight into her mind.

I would express unhappiness to her that she should act out a belittling mimicry of him at all but especially in front of others. If she dismisses your complaint or trots out dozens of excuses I would stick to my guns and distance myself. If she is mortified and realises she was a cow and says sorry I would give her the benefit of the doubt but be on my guard.

The fact that you didn't stick up for him is not surprising as no-one expects that and the shock would leave many people stunned and not retaliating. So don't feel too bad, but I think you are doing the right thing to nip it in the bud after the event.

I expect your other friends were pretty surprised and repulsed by her too so hopefully take it with a pinch of salt and save their judgement until they actually meet him. :)