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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBXH just shouted at me in front of my house!

23 replies

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 27/05/2012 20:00

He is the one that walked out on me and DS because he only cares about his stupid IT company. He is the one who got caught with another woman by my cousin catching the tube. He's just annoyed he got caught. He claims she's a work colleague, but my cousin said they were clearly a couple and why would somebody who has my interests at heart lie to me. All XH ever did was lie and manipulate me,

Now says he's going over to my cousins to 'Have a word'. I'm trying to ring my cousin to warn him with no luck so far!!

He is demanding an apology because of the 'disgusting' text message I sent him after finding out he had someone else (this was 19.05. so he's had over a week to repsond before then). He decided the best time to talk about it was when he was dropping off DS and when I wouldn't let him in he got all aggressive and was shouting and verbally abusing me for all to hear!! I'm a bit in shock TBH.

I actually thought my txt was rather witty. What do you think? :

I hope you're enjoying having your pole greased, you absolute fucking bastard. Shame you're shit in bed!! I only hope she doesn't get as bored of you as I did. You couldn't find your way round a woman's body with a map and a compass.

At least one of us in being honest!!

OP posts:

Lueji · 27/05/2012 20:11

Why did you send that text?

Rise above it.

Original poster

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 27/05/2012 20:14

I sent that text because I was and still am fuming. I never suspected anyone else was involved for a second, despite some wise words here to the contrary. I feel like I've been made a complete idiot. He has been with somebody and the weekend that he was supposed to be in London 'working' he was out with some OW. Maybe I should have risen about it, but I saw red. He's just pissed off cause somebody saw him and told me.

OP posts:

xkcdfangirl · 27/05/2012 20:19

You are really very angry at the moment and it's possible the decisions and statements you make while this angry will not be the ones you want to stand by in the long term. It's good to express anger, and be honest about how you are feeling. There's going to be an extremely difficult path from now, through expressing this anger, and to the "other side" i.e. working out how life is going to be from here on in. The end situation could be very messy and nightmarish, or relatively bearable. If you stick to "I" statements about how you are feeling and try to avoid sarcasm and overstatement then you are more likely to be able to re-open civilised conversation when working out the next steps later.

olgaga · 27/05/2012 20:33

Whatever the rights and wrongs your text made me cringe! Witty? No.

I hope your poor DS doesn't have to witness any more scenes like that.

Sallyingforth · 27/05/2012 20:51

I agree with the others. You wound him up and pointed him. Not clever.

Original poster

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 27/05/2012 21:01

Okay so I may have wound him up, but it was last Saturday. He could have denied it last week if she really was a work colleague.

I may not have acted properly, but he chose tonight to shout at me - demanding to know what my cousin had told me, calling him, me and other members of my family all names under the sun. It was horrible and he has the nerve to ask me to apologise. What about apologising for lying to me for months and tearing our family apart. Have I demanded an apology? No I have got on with the important job of raising my ds whilst he's swanning around in London. What if this OW has had contact with ds without me knowing? XH is such a liar I can't trust a single word he says.

OP posts:

bogeyface · 27/05/2012 21:18

Well it probably wasnt wise to send it, but I can totally understand why you did and I think you are getting a hard time on here. The best thing you can do now is disengage completely and only talk to him regarding your DS, and make it clear that you will only be talking to him about that. He cant have a row with you if you wont argue back!

Olgaga it wasnt the OP that instigated the row! He started when she refused to let him into her house, and as he was being threatening, I dont blame her!

Just because what she sent "wound him up" that gives him the right to act like that does it?

MrsBovary · 27/05/2012 21:22

Bogeyface is right.

Hope you're ok, how dreadful for you all.

olgaga · 27/05/2012 22:25

bogey we were asked I actually thought my txt was rather witty. What do you think?

I simply commented that it made me cringe, and I don't think it was remotely witty. I say I think it is a shame for a child to witness a scene like that - that would be the case whoever instigated it. In any case I have not accused OP of instigating it. Neither of them had to react the way they did.

You yourself say it probaby wasn't wise to send it - and I agree with you, although I didn't actually go as far as to say that.

klaxon · 27/05/2012 22:29

You are probably well rid of him. Move on. Ignore him as much as you can. Let your anger go - if he's this flavour of turd, are you not better ditching him now than in 20 years when you've dedicated most of your life to him? I'd be relieved he was gone in your shoes.

bogeyface · 27/05/2012 22:58

I just get pissed off that a woman who has been treated very badly by an ex gets a roasting on here after he goes for it again, for sending a text or email or something.

OK so it wasnt a great idea to ask about the text on here but FFS, when will people focus on the fact that a woman and small child were intimidated and abused by a frightening man?! No text in the world gives him the right to do that!

Lueji · 27/05/2012 23:10

Of course it doesn't give him the right.
And he was very much in the wrong.

But regardless of what he is doing with other women, please try to rise above it.
For the sake of the children if nothing else, but yours too.

olgaga · 28/05/2012 15:02

I absolutely agree with you bogey, but I don't think I can be accused of giving OP a roasting.

The anger OP feels is understandable - but expressing that anger in the way she did was almost certain to provoke a response. She could have chosen to act differently - as could her partner. They are both wrong to have reacted in the way they have.

I hope they can both agree to put their child's feelings first in future.

DistanceCall · 28/05/2012 15:11

Why is it always women who must be nice and keep their cool and rise above it?

The OP was pissed off. She sent an angry message, which was the HUMAN reacition, and in my opinion she was right to be angry. She didn't say those things in front of her son. He husband was the one who lost his temper and became threatening in front of a frightened child.

DistanceCall · 28/05/2012 15:13

Oh, and he was so angry because the OP called his sexual prowess into question. Which must have stung because it's true.

HandMadeTail · 28/05/2012 15:16

You have every right to be angry.

But, use your anger to get things done. Channel it to get what you need for your future with DS.

Remember, "Happiness is the best revenge".

olgaga · 28/05/2012 15:20

Why is it always women who must be nice and keep their cool and rise above it?

Is anyone saying that? It's the responsibility of both parents.

DistanceCall · 28/05/2012 15:26

Is anyone saying that? It's the responsibility of both parents.

The FIRST reply to the OP was ^

^Why did you send that text?

Rise above it.^

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2012 15:51

Is it actually established that he's having an affair? Is there more to it than something your cousin saw on a train? If he's the angry type then you're probably best not antagonising the situation with more messages, however tempting. You need to give yourself a little time to think about what to do next and, if you can't trust him to be civil, that will probably involve him not seeing DS in the short-term and not coming to your house. Start divorce proceedings instead and keep communication strictly second-hand until everyone's calmed down a little and you can reach some kind of agreement on parental responsibility

Lueji · 28/05/2012 16:06

If the OP's ex had mentioned the text he received, and his reaction, most people would have told him that he was a knob for his reaction to it. And to rise above it.

I'm not sure the OP's reaction is THE human reaction to knowing an ex is with someone else, or even cheating.
And it was not simply an angry reaction to assuming he had cheated on her. It was provocative.

Lots of people are capable of dealing with this stuff without resorting to such messages or responses, which can only ultimately add to the stress of the children.

olgaga · 28/05/2012 16:40

Distance, I suspect that response had more than a little to do with the fact that OP was clearly looking for confirmation that her text was "witty" and justified in the circumstances.

It was an abusive text, and an abusive text is likely to provoke an abusive response. It was self-indulgent at worst and thoughtless at best. That doesn't mean anyone thought the response to it was correct. Both sides should have behaved in a more civilised manner. Nothing can excuse the fact that an aggressive confrontation took place in front of a child.

The point is, any adults in this situation need to put the needs and interests of their children before indulging their need for revenge or drama.

The least said the better. This is a very good illustration.

CrispyCod · 28/05/2012 16:45

I can't knock you for the text OP, it's probably something I'd do in the heat of the moment.

Hope everything works out for you and your DS because you deserve better than this.

Bluesue26 · 28/05/2012 17:59

I'm with Crispy, I probably would have done the same and regretted it later. It's happened, you can't take it back, just learn from it and move forwards. I don't think you need people rubbing your face in it over the text when you've got bigger issues to deal with. Had you already had an idea of what was going on anyway OP?

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