Toxic Overload. Aarghhhh.

[twinkletwinkleoldbat]

This may well be just a 'getting it off my chest' post, so apologies if it gets long. I guess what I'm really looking for is validation. Here goes anyway.
My parents are classic toxic parents. Growing up, my brother was allowed to kick, scratch and punch me well into our teens, to the point where the PE teachers saw the scars and started asking questions about my home life. Fast forward to now, when I have three dcs. Brother has always mocked my ds - his accent, his hobbies etc (he's only 10 now) and ignored my two dds. To my mother he can do no wrong. She buys the dcs presents at Xmas and birthdays and writes his name on them. My dcs stayed with their grandparents last year, all seemed ok, but weeks later my ds broke down and told me that his uncle had pushed him. I asked how hard, and he demonstrated - very violently. I tackled my mother about this and she denied, denied, denied, called me nasty and a liar, then said "he was only restraining him!" My ds has never ever needed to be restrained - he is a gentle, sensitive kid.
To cut a long story short then, I don't want my brother in my house ever again. We've never had a relationship as adults, and I regret exposing my dc to him. Next week the toxics will want to come and see my dd on her birthday and I suspect they will spring the brother on me. I want to tell them he is not invited. I think they will bring him anyway as they do not respect me as an adult. If this happens my dh has said he will take them outside, so the children can't hear, and ask my brother to leave. I am very very stressed about the prospect of all this. They have form for creating scenes on my children's birthdays (narcissists too!) I know I haven't given the full story, but am I justified in saying "my house, my rules" on this occasion?
Thanks if you got to the end of that!

Thank you something2say, those are wise words, and actually the 3rd one made me cry a bit. The children will want to see their gps as they act nice in front of them most of the time, saving their venom for me on the phone/by text. Obviously I don't want it to go that far, but the bottom line is their safety. I've had to work very hard with my ds to reassure him that he can tell me if people hurt him, and I will protect him; so angry that I trusted them. I didn't even know the uncle was going to be alone with him.

I have been lurking on Stately Homes for some time, but felt (classic I know) that a lot of people had it worse than me. It has helped enormously though to know I'm not alone.

You are not alone, twinkle. I do safety work with women - these are the sad principles that we recommend.

One tries. It sometimes doesn't work.

One has then had enough. Given the truism that one cannot change another, if they don't want to be changed, one has then to decide what to do next.

Lots of families choose a favourite and that child then behaves badly and gets supported for it. It i sad for the rest of us to watch, and take crap and it not be fair, and everyone know it and no-one say it. It is hard to stand up alone and say it. But saying it is liberating. Not caring what they do afterwards is liberating. Having them know openly that you feel this way is powerful.

I am sorry no-one stood up for you the way you are standing up for your son. That is the tragedy here, imo. xxx

BTW when you tell them, work out a few sentences to say and then say them and go.

You don't have to wait for a response.

And have support ready for after the call or visit or whatever. Don'r bw alone having taken this massive step.

I did it by letter to my mother. I was far too scared to talk to her. When the letter had gone, I counted the days till I figured it had been delivered, and then I started to cower. I asked those I lived with to promise not to let them in. I honestly thought they would come and get me.

Of course nothing happened. Having spoken of the elephant in the living room, she was scared of me now!!! I believe she still is. The tables well and truly hurt. What remains is the un-necessity of the thing.

*turned!!

I really admire your courage for writing that letter, and identify with the feeling of dread that they might come and get you. Did you cut your mother out completely?

Let your wonderful husband deal with this for now. He is able to be a bit 'removed' from the situation while still having your childrens' best interests as his goal.

He is going about this the right way.

All the best X

Oh Twinkle. I really feel for you.

BUT..do you love your children? I ask this in all seriousness, because at the moment you are acting like you don't. You are acting like they are bit parts in your parents and brother's lives. They can be pushed around and lied to. Their birthdays are not about them - they are about family drama. How long did it take your son to tell you about his physical abuse? Can you imagine how the grandparents pressurised him to say nothing? How much it hurt him? How difficult it was for him to tell you the truth? And you still won't turn around to this pile of shit brother and tell him 'over my dead body do you see my children again'?

Your parents need to apologise to your child before they get near him again. Otherwise he will grow up believing that violence, deceit and manipulation are what make families work.

Twinkle - please, put your kids first. Your dh sounds great, please trust in him and your kids. They are your future.

No need for that Triffid, I'm sure Twinkle loves her children! She's spent a lifetime being brainwashed into thinking her parents are right - that doesn't mean she doesn't love her children.

I didn't say she didn't love them. I am sure she does. I said she was acting like she didn't (because no doubt of the years of brainwashing).

Her son has been assaulted. Her parents have covered it up and no doubt mentally abused her son (telling him it wasn't such a big deal and not to make such a fuss) and now want to turn up at the family home (with the violent thug in tow) and act like it's all OK. For most people that would mean calling the police. OP is paralysed because she's been abused for years by these people. I understand that.

But it's not about her any more. It's about her kids. So the question still remains, how much does she love them?

Thanks Thumbwitch I absolutely get what you're saying Triffiddealer, this is exactly what went through my head after my son told me - this is how I felt and why I have broken ranks. I have now had abuse heaped upon me for this and am slowly building towards the inevitable conclusion of getting these people out of all our lives. I am very scared about the fallout, but would go through more than that for my dc. Please be assured I will be telling them in no uncertain terms to keep the brother away from my house - the bottom line is that these children are safe and I won't let my guard down and fail them like this again.

Good for you twinkle! Be strong for your kids.

It seems grotesque to make them choose between me and their son, but they seem hell bent on forcing this.

That is absolutely not what is happening though. You are not forcing them to choose anything. You are putting a boundary in place to protect your child. Don't let anyone tell you that you are creating a feud, or a rift or a problem or otherwise define this as you being unreasonable.

If your parents and brother end up out of contact with you, it will be because they have refused to agree that your brother should not assault or intimidate your children. They would rather lose you all than require your brother to exercise some ordinary adult restraint. That's very fucked up and certainly not your fault.

You have been conditioned NOT to be able to stand up to these vile bullies.

Your DH has NOT. He has as much say in the treatment of his family as you do.

Let HIM (if he feels able of course) tell your parents that THEY allowed the assault of his DS, and that as a result NONE of them are welcome in your home until anger management is addressed, or Hell freezes over - whichever comes last.

If your parents are not standing up for your child against the bully their son is, they are part of the problem. Tar them ALL with the same brush until they have proved themselves otherwise.

THEY choose to be on the side of right, or otherwise, for that choice there are repercussions and consequences. Make it clear that THEY are choosing to collude in the abuse of your son.

You have a very important point. I have seen my birth family as solely my responsibility, but that has tipped over now. To be honest I am beyond caring about their problems and wishing they would seek help (they never will - medical attention is for the weak.) If I never saw them again it would be bliss.

You are not making your parents choose between your brother and you at all - you are not asking that they cut him out of their lives or anything like that. What you are saying as that your children will not be abused - even if it's their own relatives who abuse them.

If they understand that as choosing your children over your abusive brother - AND BLAME YOU FOR THAT - then I think it's pretty clear what you should do.

Well done Twinkle. I know that I never stood up to my mother (nothing as bad as your case, but just constant criticisms and put downs), I was just so conditioned to be 'good' and make her happy. However, when she started with the barbed comments on my daughter (who was just a toddler) I became a raging lioness and slapped her right down. I think she got the shock of her life and she never dared with her sly little remarks after that.

I know that's not the same as physical abuse, and you have done brilliantly to stand up to them. I'm sure your DH and your son are proud of you. Stay strong, don't let them start twisting facts around again.

you are in control of this and you have a partner standing right beside you, that's great. Don't panic or get worked up about it. You are in a position of strength. One thing is very very certain, your kids should never be left alone with your parents or your brother. Nor should they be exposed to scary dramas if you can avoid it. If you absolutely have to see them why not meet out of the house, at a restaurant or public place which would be a controlled environment, then you can up and leave at the first sign of trouble? I would let the kids know, in a age appropriate way, that their uncle has 'problems' and acts strangely sometimes etc....

Triffiddealer that is exactly it. Sounds like you too were made responsible for your parent's happiness and it is so difficult to stop being that person. I have found that a lot of people find their claws when it comes to their children though. I only regret not challenging my parents years ago.

alsteff that is excellent advice. In public they want to seem like the perfect grandparents and would not dare try anything. That's probably why they never want to go out anywhere but just sit in my house for 5 hrs.....
I will probably just 'edit' my brother out of their lives - they never mention him anyway, and he has never bothered with them so as far as I'm concerned their only uncles are my SILs' partners.
Thanks again to everyone for propping me up. I sometimes feel very isolated, and wonder if it's just me, whether I really am that weirdo they always said I was. You have helped so much.

You are not the weirdo love. True you are not like THEM, but thank GOD for that eh?

Let your H help you in protecting your DC against these people.