Confused over who's meant to be doing what!

[Ammz]

So, We have an almost 7 month old son, OH works full time and i work Part time. I have ALL baby duties except for the 2/3 afternoons a week when MIL looks after LO. And i mean ALL baby duties! LO is still up once a night to feed before waking around 6 to start his day. At the min he is teething and has a terrible cold so has been up quite a lot over the last 2 nights. I still have to go to work whether i have had 1 hour sleep and when i finish i still have to come home and look after LO. Am i being unreasonable to want OH to share evening Baby duties once in a while?

Of course you're not unreasonable! He's a parent as much as you are, he can't just have a baby and then do nothing to look after him, what would happen if you decided to do that? What about weekends? What happens then?

YANBU at all. A bear minimum is that you each get one night totally off at the weekend and one lie in. Beyond that, the nice way to do it is that you each help each other out; that means that if he can see you have had little sleep and you are struggling, he steps in and takes over - and vice versa of course.

Sorry bare minimum obviously...

YANBU is your Dh aware that you feel like this? does he offer?

Did he want the child? Because he doesn't deserve him acting like this.

We both work weekends. He runs an activity company and i technically work for him. Most of our bookings are at weekends. Its a very energetic job and as i am still BF it actually really takes it out of me. Especially after a night like last night (LO up every couple of hours and up properly at 5!) I help him out as much as i can (even giving him the day off and working in place of him so he gets to see LO) But i am knackered!! I know its hard for him but how hard it is for me doesnt even come into the equasion! He doesnt see how looking after the baby can be hard work. He probably has him for 1 afternoon a week at the most!

I ask him to help me all the time. He just says he has to work

He needs to start getting up with the baby every morning. If you're up during the night then he can do the mornings and at least give you an hour or two to sleep before work. One partner never getting a night's sleep is absolutely ridiculous and totally unacceptable. How do you think he would respond if you suggested that?

Was the baby planned? Not that it matters now that the baby is here, but it might explain why he's being such an arse.

He's not pulling his weight with the baby that's for sure.

Does he do anything around the house or are you expected to do all of the cooking and cleaning as well?

When MIL is looking after the baby are you working?

It was me who didnt want to go through with the pregnancy (sounds awful to write that.. but its true) He talked me into it. We were meant to share everything.. work, baby duties, housekeeping, play. When i say how upset i am that it hasnt ended up like that he just says im living in a dream world and you dont always get what you want with these things!
I almost feel like he tricked me into it!!
Dont get me wrong i love my LO more than anything in the world but im struggling a bit. I have no family here, they all live up north. He's all i have here in terms of family (dont really get on with his family)

Yes im working when MIL is looking after LO. I do all the cooking/Cleaning etc as he works full time. I get this part, im home much more than him.. but the night time stuff is starting to p* me off TBH

Oh your poor thing :( He's being a complete shit.

'You don't always get what you want' - No, but you deliver what you promise.

You need to change your tact with him - you are saying that you are upset it hasn't ended up like that, when in fact you need to get angry that he's not living up to his promise. He is choosing to do fuck all. Git.

How would he react if you told him you were moving back up North to be with your family where you would get some support (I hope you would anyway)?

tried the angry thing.. definately not a good look on me! Really want to keep myself happy and not angry for babys sake (and mine) i have thought about the move but they live in an area with very high levels of unemployment and its not very nice to be honest. My reasons for staying here.. i Live right by the sea/beach. Lovely lifestyle for myslef and for LO as he grows up!
i know thats not the be all and end all, but do feel its half the battle

I find it odd when people always ask on these threads "Did he want the baby?" as though that would be some kind of excuse

Also, it nearly always turns out to be the other way around, because men who pressure their partners into having babies rarely respect the fact that it's a massive commitment from both and just expect their partner to do everything, because it's "women's work" or the fact they work out of the home exempts them, or some other such bollocks. They just want the status that being a "family man" brings.

Men who intend to pull their weight fully don't tend to pressure you into it because they understand that it's a massive commitment and they want you both to be ready.

Anyway, Ammz, the point is that this really isn't on, and something has to give because eventually living like this will utterly wear you down. Even as a single parent, it becomes easier because you don't have the expectation that your partner will help dashed all the time, you don't have them on at you when you don't do things their way, and you don't have the extra housework etc that they create!

Being in a relationship should be a partnership, you should be helping each other out. He could take on another person in his business if he needs more help, because his priority should be to be at home taking his share of the baby duties and housework. Of course working takes a chunk out of that, but he still has a share when he's home, and he shouldn't be working ALL the time if he has any kind of choice.

It is unfair of him to not help with any of the childcare. He should be waking through the night on nights when he is off the next day - that would be a bare minimum. This then enables you to get a full night's sleep.

He should also be sharing the days off. If you both get two days off a week, you should each be allowed a lie in, taking it in turns. A proper lie in, too, not an hour of him loudly banging around huffing and puffing.

Fwiw, my DH works mon-fri and I am currently on Mat Leave. I do all the cooking and dishes, the lions share of the laundry and the lions share of the tidying. However, our house is not a show home looks sadly over at mountain of clean laundry piling higher than me

BUT when I get a lie in, I get up to a DH who has fed, entertained DD, put her down for a nap and is pottering on with laundry/ tidying or something else. He even took her out yesterday morning (my lie in day) as I was hungover and he thought I'd prefer a quiet empty house to sleep in. Today I did the same, and took DD to the park at 8am, got home at 11 to a very happy rested DH. However, he is popping to the shops today to buy a shirt, so has said he will take DD with him, meaning Ill get a little nap or a chance to run the hoover round. Whatever I choose, I know he won't come back and expect 'stuff done'.

OP, have you tried simply getting up early on one of your shared days off and saying 'goodbye' to DH and letting him get on with it? If you do, Id suggest picking a day you know your MIL is busy so he can't call her in to take over.

Hi op came back a bit late to your thread, but agree with what others have said you need more support definitely, I hope your Dh is willing to do this, in my experience women seem to know that having a child will change the focus of their lives but alot of men don't seem to realise this and are quite content to think its all 'women's work' !