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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This actually isn't fair is it?

5 replies

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 27/05/2012 08:45

DH can be a lazy so and so at times. He works hard (in a job he loves though so not exactly a chore) to provide for us - we've moved abroad with his work and I can't work so no option for me to do the same. He's generally a good dad, plays with DS, makes sure he has sun cream on etc although rarely has anything to do with DD.

DS is 3.5yo and DD 6mo. DH generally gets up with DS and used to do stuff with him til I rose with DD. both children tend to get up about the same time now, DH's default is to turn tv on and fall asleep on the sofa. If he takes both children he'll being back DD at slightest whimper saying she's tired or hungry. Or he'll give me an hour max then come back saying we have to swap. Then take ages finally getting out of bed so I spend whole morning nagging.

He stays up late watching crap tv or playing video games so he's tired. I on the other hand am exhausted after 6months of no sleep, still being up several times a night feeding DD, and emotionally fragile because she's hard work getting down for naps - which he never offered to help with.

We were both moody and horrid today because we were tired. I go to bed at 8:30 to catch up, he says he won't be up late. DD is up at 9:45 and again at midnight - DH'S not in bed. I go to tell him what time it is and he as per gets defensive. I know now he'll be tired when DS wakes at 6am, will expect me to get up because I went to bed early (never mind I will be up more now with DD) then he'll be in horrid mood again tomorrow cod of tiredness.

And he winders why I have no energy for sex. He just used to be better at understanding that he needs to be in bed earlier to help cope, especially at weekends. He's just taken himself off to bed in the spare room.

I'm just so tired, angry and upset

OP posts:
GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 27/05/2012 08:46

Ugh too many typos to apologise for. Sodding iphone

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 27/05/2012 08:48

I don't know what to suggest so hopefully some more knowledgable MNers will be along soon, but no, it's not fair at all. :(

NotSureICanCarryOn · 27/05/2012 09:02

I think you need to re-establish responsibilities ie you are both responsible for looking after the dcs during the weekend at least.
That means both responsible to get up during the night (are you bfing?), in the am and look after the dcs during the day.
From here it looks like he has disengage from his role as a father and only does a bit to 'help' and then gets grumpy because you ask for more than just help'.

How was he with dc1? did he get up in the am, the night/ Did he put in the bed etc...?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2012 09:04

If you've got two people living together, supposedly as a partnership, and they're both tired, moody, being horrid with each other and not intimate any more.... it's not just 'unfair', it's a disaster. Bit of a cliche but you need to talk. About how to share responsibilities, get some relaxation time separately and together, look after each other better, show consideration and understand how each other feels.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 27/05/2012 12:40

Yes you're both right, we do need to talk about it. Trouble is we have and do but nothing changes. He used to be brilliant but has slowly gone back to his old way - he used to do half the care at the weekends of the baby and be actively up with DS rather than plonking him in front of the tv. I'm BF so I kinda have to do the night feeds.

I do feel like I'm constantly asking for "help" which really sucks.

We've talked about trying DD on formula for the late evening feed so DH can do it but he's obviously leaving it to me to research and get some when it's a lot easier for him to do it, due to where he works and the fact I can't drive. I'm just so tired from having responsibility for everything bar his job

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