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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i just say no ?

10 replies

Annielove · 26/05/2012 13:46

Need a bit of advice. Husband left 6mths ago as he felt there was "more for him out there!!" Married 23yrs, 4 kids. He had also been playing about i found out after. He said he also left because i was needy and paranoid so in a way i was relieved to find out i had been right all along!!
My dilemma is this....the kids aren't bothered about seeing him but i feel it's important to keep their relationship going. The youngest are twin girls 17. He texts me and asks if he can come over to see all of us and i say ok but because of their ages he could arrange to see them outside of the family home. I still love him, hate what he has done, but by me trying to be 'friends' am i just prolonging the agony of me moving on ? I don't know how much i am doing this so that i can see him... Should i have no contact ??? He also rings for a chat sometimes. Think he would like us all to be friends, but i still feel bereft by his actions. What do any of you think would be the best way forwards ?? many thanks.

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 26/05/2012 13:58

Say no! Let him meet them somewhere, you don't need to be involved. Time to move on, or he will be having his cake (you) and eating it.

You need to start accepting that it is over...my life began at 42 when I was newly separated and in the last two years has got better and better. Yours will too :)

Twiggy71 · 26/05/2012 14:01

Hi there I think you need to go cold turkey with him and cut him out of your life to fully move on. My exh was the same he wanted to be friends but its unfair as its them having the best of both worlds they have the single lifestyle to do what they want when they want. While meanwhile they have you on standby for when they want advice or just someone to listen.
I know everyone is different but it helped me to move on with my own life by cutting my exh out I felt he was still able to manipulate me when we were just being friends. And also I felt immense resentment as he had left me with a 10 & 14 yr old to bring up on my own as basically he was being no help when my ds had a hard time coping with all that had happened..
Though I do think you will know what's best for yourself as time goes on...good luck..

Earlybird · 26/05/2012 14:07

Would it be OK with you if he simply text'd the dc directly and made arrangements to see them without you needing to be involved?

Obviously, dc would need to check with you to ensure it wouldn't conflict with other plans. And they'd need to meet somewhere other than your home.

DoingItForMyself · 26/05/2012 14:23

Agree with everyone else. It must be hard for you to suddenly have him out of your life, but it sounds like he wants it all. The freedom to be single and do his own thing, along with a trusty reliable friend to talk to when he's had a hard day and none of the responsibility for having to entertain his DCs by himself for a full day like other XHs.

Maybe he knows they're not fussed about spending time with him and he sees this as a 'safe' way to see them without the pressure of 'having to' spend forced social time together and being rejected as they have more interesting things to do.

I think you're making it easy for him - if you're ok with that then great. If its making you question yourself, try it the other way (him taking DCs out somewhere for the day) and see how you feel about it. Hope that whatever happens that you can be happy and don't let his behaviour prevent you from having other trusting loving relationships in the future. x

Original poster
Annielove · 26/05/2012 21:35

Thank you ladies, you have confirmed what i need to do. I guess when he is here and we are all together i get a glimpse of how it used to be and hope that he realises what he is missing. It just feels so sad and such a waste, i hate how much it hurts :( This moving on business is sooo hard!!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/05/2012 22:07

It will get easier though, honestly.

Your girls are old enough to sort out their own contact with him at their own pace. You dont need to have any involvement with him at all really.

It must be bloody devastating after spending such a huge part of your life with him, BUT you owe it to yourself to move on and be happy.

One day yes, you might be able to be friends and civil with each other, but I wouldnt worry about that too much for the moment. Do whatever YOU want to do with your life.

Let him see that there is a lot more for YOU out there... because there is you know. :)

midwife99 · 26/05/2012 22:16

The DCs are old enough to communicate with him directly & decide where & when to see him outside the house. Detach to move on.

Original poster
Annielove · 26/05/2012 22:23

Thanks squeaky, i think that's the trouble i can't imagine life without him so i don't discourage contact .But in the long run so much damage has been done we can't really be friends . If it had been a mutual separation it would have been ok but it was forced on me. I also don't know whether to ask for a divorce or just remain separated... all a bit of a bad dream really :(

OP posts:
bouncyagain · 26/05/2012 23:14

This is an interesting thread.

For those who are interested, here is a male perspective. It is also the perspective of the recipient of the news that the marriage is over.

Marriage had been bad for a long time. We have DC. Ex-DW ended it suddenly, but not unexpectedly. We agreed that it would be amicable. Ex-DW insisted on no discussion about the separation.

I took this as meaning that it was over. Typical bloke behaviour I know, I met a new DP. She is very lovely.

Ex-DW took this very badly. Suddenly it had not all been over.

Can you be friends? Maybe. I think the key point is in your post at 22.23.39 - if it had been a mutual separation if could have been ok but it was forced on me. The problem when it is not mutual is that it is always going to be an imbalance. That makes it hard to be friends. There is also an imbalance when one person (often but not always the ex-H) meets someone else. That also makes friendship hard. My new-DP seems to have a better relationship with her ex-DH since I have been around - it is a more balanced relationship now.

OP - on the specifics of the practical stuff - your DC are old enough for him to be making arrangements with them directly. Give yourself some space without him. What you feel is grief. The marriage, however, is over. Sorry.

Earlybird · 27/05/2012 15:29

midwife99 - OP stated her youngest dc are 17 year old twins, so definitely old enough to communicate directly with their father about time together.

OP - so sorry you are going through this.

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