Divorce when can't afford to move out

[catgirl1976]

I am posting this about my parents relationship. It is complicated but I really need some advice so I will try to make it easy to follow

DPs have been married since early 20s and are now in their 60s. They have had a turbulent relationship and I believe my father has some undx MH issues. (He is currently waiting for a scan to check for a tumour on his pituitary gland and has a lot of hormone imbalances which affect his behaviour)

About 3 months ago, they had a minor argument about somehting insignificant, however my mother decided that was that. She has not spoken a single word to him since. She refuses to speak to him, other to tell him that she doesn't like him anymore and thats that. (I have of course pointed out this is childish, not helping etc)

My father does not want the relationship to end and has tried everything to get my mum to talk. She won't

They are still living in the same house. My dad is a contractor and has been out of work a lot this year, leaving them living on pension credits. They have no money. He has recently got a job but won't get paid till mid-June and even then is in so much debt. They have arrears on the mortgage and my mum thinks they will be re-possessed soon. I don't know how bad the arrears are. My mum does not work, never has, says she doesnt feel up to getting a job right now (I think she is depresed but she wont admit or get help)

Recently my dad has got very nasty - screaming at her etc. No surprise in many ways as she literally will not speak, has moved in to a back bedroom etc.

I have said to my mum she should look at social housing or something. Neither of them has money for a deposit to move out. My mum thinks she should not have to move out (?) There is no physical abuse.

My mum thinks my dad should just accept she doesnt like him or want to speak to him and they should carry on living in the same house as they have no option and seems amazed he won't behave civilly and accept that.

Its insane. It cant go on like this - one of them needs to move out, but are there any options when there is no money?

I am stressed out the the hilt as I get them both ringing up going on about the other etc and I just can't understand how they are behaving

If anyone has any advice I would be so so greatful

My parents have been living grudgingly together for about the last 20 years, neither wanting to move out, so you do have my sympathy :) If the house is going to be repossessed soon, that might force the issue. Rather than waiting to be evicted, however, they could sell the property and take a share of what's left each to start fresh. Might come out of it with more cash that way. Depending on how much it's worth and what prices are like in their area, their options could be social housing, a private lease, downsizing, something like that. Ultimately, they're adults and free to do as they please, and you may not have much influence over events. Doesn't even sound like they're 100% convinced it's over tbh. You are entitled, if they ring you up and bend your ear so often, to throw it back to them and say 'I can't take sides so you'll have to come up with something between you'.

Thanks Cog

I am just at my wits end with them, although have told them both I won't talk to one about the other anymore (I have had years of this, but it's come to a head at them moment)

The house is on the market but they won't have a board up, or accept viewings from anyone who is not in a position to move straight away (eg no chain) and the market is slow so unsurpsingly they have not sold it. They have a little equity in the house, not a lot, but certianly enough to get them both set up somewhere. I think they would rather lose it so they can blame each other if that makes sense

I do appreciate they are adults but it's hard to remember that sometimes given how they act!

It's so sad to hear you are going through this. I don't suppose counselling would be something they'd consider? Or mediation?

No advice to offer re what they should do.

Reading your post does make you realise (when you are experiencing relationship problem as I am) that it's not worth dragging things out, and losing all those years to bitterness and resentment.

Sorry you are having problems too oshuk :( hope you get things worked out