XP has cut ds2's hair.... Badly!

[Mobly]

Without my knowledge, as he knew full well I would've said 'no way!'. Honestly, he is the last person you would want cutting your hair. Needless to say, ds2's hair is an absolute mess, varying lengths, tufts sticking out etc.

I have tried really hard to calmly state why I am not pleased and he had agreed to take ds2 to hairdressers this morning but last I heard, he phones to say the wait was too long.

Today is going to be busy enough already. It's the last thing I need.

I am 5mths pregnant, and always find it difficult to keep things in perspective when pregnant, but I feel really stressed and angry now.

He rarely has boys as it is & I just feel like I can't trust him when I'm not there. He has boys at my house still and I always come back to a bloody shit tip. Luckily xp is moving into his own house beginning of next month.

Aargh, needed to vent. I know it's trivial.

I'd feel the same. Vent away! There is nothing you can do about it now, it's done and you've said your piece.

God yes you need to sort out him having him away from your house. He sounds like a right twat leaving your home like a tip. Can't he take them out or to his parents or something?

Sorry terrible grammar, meant to say he really must sort out having the dc away from your home.

Yes, deep breaths

He lives with his mum & there's always an excuse as to why he can't have them there. This should be resolved soon though .

Good to know it's not just pregnancy rage

Yes he is a twat, an ex twat.

Yay to the 'ex' twat - hang on to that in times of stress.

I would absolutely insist he take them to his mums or out for the day. Make it a rule and don't be guilt tripped with 'well I won't see them then'.

Because, imo, if he says that it is just a matter of time before he'd have come to that anyway. Devoted dads would move heaven and earth to see their children.

As far as I'm aware, this is recognised by the family courts as assault/controlling?? (not actually categorised as 'assault' but something along those lines?). It is certainly recognised in domestic abuse circles as controlling behaviour designed to cause great distress to the mother (or, possible, but not usually, the father) - which is the whole point ie why he did it.

You are not overreacting imo, particularly and especially as he didn't take ds to a barber/hairdresser but did it himself. who does that? only someone who is making a point of some kind imo.

ditto leaving a godawful mess in your home. You really must get that changed OP. imo these situations get to this absurd point because the mother is often over a barrel re the kids wouldn't get a relationship with their dad unless we do this or that. imo it is not always vital for kids to have a relationship with their father, particularly if he uses them or the situation to get at the mother. apart from anything else, kids aren't stupid and they somehow imbibe the dynamic: that dad is getting at mum. and that is very bad indeed for the kids.

so imo you have to weigh it up. My guess is that if your home is barred for contact, he will (may?) find an alternative. He will very probably imo start mucking about there too in one way or another. imo he's using the kids to get at you and you have to take steps to stop that.

Proudnscary, he's far from being a devoted dad sadly. But it's still beneficial for boys to have him in their lives, I'm just waiting for him to get into his own place & then hopefully can lead a more normal single persons life, without him hanging around my neck all the time.

He will never be reliable or really put the boys first. He's very immature, selfish, lazy and was abusive to me. I could write pages about his faults & vile things he's done & said but I'm best not to dwell on it.

I tolerate him for the sake of the boys. But it will be much better & healthier when he is in his own place. I will worry about the kind of influence he is going to be on our boys but I know if it went to court he wouldn't be stopped from seeing boys anyway.

Springdaffs, I completely agree with everything you say. I have barred contact in my home in the past and both times he went a month without seeing the boys. Also told anyone who'd listen that I stopped him seeing them etc. He definitely wants control still, wants to see boys here etc. I'm tolerating the contact here because it's short term. It is like having a third child when he is here.

It's all rather messy to say the least.

I'm going to aim for once a week overnight contact and hope he sticks to it. He feeds them rubbish, if it's just before lunch or dinner and I say no more snacks, he will sneak them sweets behind my back. He deliberately undermines me.

Ds2's hair is ok though now, although far shorter than I'd like. It will grow. I'm trying not to get stressed because of the baby & it's no good for the boys.

Mobly, big sympathies on the ex front, mine is no better either. But on the hair front, my ds has had to have a #1 all over after cutting his own hair, and my dad ended up completely shaved after my mum , once finished cutting his hair and cleaning the shaver, realised she had missed a bit and trimmed, without putting the guard back on. She then had to take all his hair off as it was so noticable (and short). It does grow back, and quick than you realise.

I cut dd's hair myself and sometimes it does go a bit wrong (uneven or much too short). It grows out though and she's too young to care (4.7).

It seems a bit ott to label it "assault"! After all it's his child too. Do you think he deliberately cut it badly? How old is your ds?

Thanks Aglasshalfempty . I can usually let all the crap go right over my head. Being pregnant is not helping. I'm sorry you have to deal with similar.

why is it assault when one parent does it but just a haircut when the other does it?

I don't think anyone is really labelling it an assault. You might feel assaulted though if someone cut your hair like this!

I don't think he deliberately cut it badly but he's never cut hair before and he knew it would piss me off. I was actually quite upset but tried to be calm about it. He clearly cannot cut in a straight line. He's mentioned it before as he said he thought it would be easy and I said if you can get him to sit still at hairdressers go for it, but please not too short. Ds2 is 2, xp is always saying his hair is too long. He's got very fine baby hair still, it was longish but above shoulders, bit surferish. He knows I love both boys hair longer. While they're too young to decide anyway. Ds2 is 2.6yrs. Ds1 is 4 and he loves his hair longer, can't get him to the hairdressers.

There's nothing wrong with cutting hair if you can do it and a trim is easy but he full on butchered it!

Oh and the 'it's his child too' comment, I realise that but xp wants all of the 'rights' but none of the responsibility. I literally do and provide everything for our boys. He sees them when it suits him and if he has other stuff going on I'm not even consulted. Yet I have to ask him to have boys so I can go to a pregnancy scan (he didn't have them!)

And I can't make him be a fair and reasonable person so I just have to suck it up.

well I'll look for some specific info but ime it is recognised as an 'assault' in domestic abuse circles (and also cited in court cases) - precisely because it is done to hurt the mother, using the child. eg abusive fathers often go for the child's first haircut, knowing how upsetting that will be for the mother. Then people trot out that it's only a haircut, nothing to worry about, it'll grow back etc etc and yes all that's true but it isn't 'only' a haircut because of the way he did it. He did it to hurt the OP, nothing to do with ds at all.

Agree with the consensus. I too think its been done to control but is it also cos hes too tight to take him to the hairdresser.? You often find with people like this that they are financially controlling too.

Have you a new partner?

Mobly, 7+ years down the line, it has got to the point where it no longer stresses me, unless it stresses ds, and ds seems to have his own feelings about his dad. In fact his dads latest is to tell me I only contact him when I want something, hang up on me, block me on facebook and change his phone number. Thus the only way I can contact him is through his parents! but heigh ho. I now think of ds as mine, not ours, cos he does nowt.

I would suggest, and I know it is early days, that you build up your own network of family and friends, rely on them to help you, and dont expect him to have the boys or help in any way. See any time he has with the boys (once it is out of your house) as a bonus, as some free time, but dont make specific plans around it, because I suspect that any plans you make will get broken because he will change his mind at the last minute, especially if he finds out you have plans (alternatively arrange back up babysitters to cover you). Also dont tell the boys they are seeing Daddy until that day, maybe until just before it happens, or even as you open the door to him/drop them off with him. That way if he cancels it doesnt impact on them (if they were older I would advise differently, but at this age, it is something they wont understand, and you will get to deal with the fallout - although that is true of any age)

This is classic abusive, controlling behaviour. It's blooming hard to stop. The only thing I can advise is to ignore it / not engage with him over it and just keep the hair cut short to minimise it. I feel your pain, hope you're ok OP xx

Well you're right in that he was abusive and obviously is still pretty unpleasant but as he's an ex I try not to let it bother me anymore. I'm usually pretty good at ignoring him.

I don't have a new partner. I posted on here a while back about this pregnancy being the result of sleeping with xp once (failed contraception). Had been to a funeral/wake and had a few too many glasses of wine.

His behaviour was always worse in pregnancy, it's almost as if there's something about the vulnerability of pregnancy that makes him choose to be more verbally nasty. Like he wants to see me upset.

I am ok though thank you. I must admit though it's harder to maintain the tough front I put up when I feel so hormonal. I'm counting down the days until I have the baby. The early days will be hard as xp is having paternity leave & he has little patience.

I have got some lovely friends but I'm not one for asking for help usually though there have been offers already

My family are nice just very busy.

It's also recognised in domestic abuse circles that pregnancy is often a time when abusers go into overdrive.

You sound like a tower of strength type of person. Maybe you need to get out the asking for help side? People have offered - take them up on it. People like to help you know.

I think you deserve a hug actually. so here you go ((( squeeze )))

Thank you springydaffs