Big case of cold feet

[Beaverfeaver]

I get married in 6 weeks

Have been feeling nervous and worried for last 2 weeks.

I am hoping it's just cold feet but feeling confused and hoping its not something bigger

We have been together for 10 years, lived together for 7.

Have been engaged for 2 years.

Was so excited at the beginning. We have had our ups and downs in the past but being engaged just made me so happy and I would have never questioned my love for him back then.

Now, with hardly any time to go, I feel that I am not attracted to him any more, that I don't want to be around him any more, that every time he talks to me that it's just grating and I am now panicking that these feelings will be permanent and that I will end up married to a guy I don't truly love anymore.

I don't know what could be doing this.
I don't want to bring it up just yet, as I am not too sure what the options are.

I feel dreadful and am not sleeping and it's affecting me in so many ways.

Should I cancel the wedding?

OK, seems like I'm the only person awake (6 hours behind the UK) so I'm going to go ahead and try and offer some advice.

Please don't make any rash decisions. Take a deep breath.

When you think about your future with him, how do you feel? When you think about having babies (if that's what you want) how do you feel? I think there is a definite difference in having someone just grate on your (my DH grates on me all the time but I love him to death) and feeling stone cold panic at marrying someone.

You don't say how old you are? Did you get together when you were very young? Do you feel like you're going through the motions and that you should get married because of the length of time you've been together?

I never had that revelation that my DH was "the one" - all I kept thinking when proposed was that I would love to go to Vegas, just the two of us and get married. In the end, we got married on the beach in Cayman where we live and I had bare feet, pretty low key. All I could think was that the marriage was what I wanted, not the wedding. How would you feel if you didn't have the big day? If it was just you and him somewhere small and personal with a couple of witnesses?

Sometimes the concept of a wedding is so nerve wracking, the worry that the day is all about you and the bigger it is, the more terrifying it is. I know some ladies are complete bridezillas and love that but some of us don't. I know I would have been FAR more nervous if I had a great big formal affair - as it was, we had 60 people at ours and I was wearing the big dress but I couldn't wait to get down the aisle/beach and get married (and get the whole thing over and done with!)

Maybe ask yourself the simplest of questions. How would you feel if it were just the two of you, a registrar and a couple of your best friends? Would you still want to marry him?

If the answer is yes, then try and spend some time together without talking about the wedding and explaining that you're finding it all very overwhelming. Find all those reasons that you fell in love with him in the first place.

If the answer is no, then I would maybe confide in someone you can trust to help you through this. I know if I hadn't wanted to go through with my wedding, my family and friends would have supported me no matter what. There's nothing wrong with coming to this realisation late in the day, it is exceptionally hard when you have a decade of your lives combined together to try and break away from that.

But better to be free and honest with your own life, than living a certain lie that you know will end in divorce.

As it is, I don't think it sounds as if its anything more than cold feet from what you've said. Weddings are the most overwhelming things ever and completely separate from what a marriage actually is. You've essentially been "married" for the last 7 years, you have a life together, and a "wedding" isn't going to change that. A wedding is just a day. Your marriage just gets to carry on after it as you want it to.

I hope you get the answers you're looking for love, I'm coming up to my 2nd wedding anniversary so I'm still a fairly new wife - but I think we are conditioned to believe we should feel a certain way when we get married, that we should still be in a honeymoon period, that we should be overwhelmed with tears like in a crappy romantic movie and there should be fireworks and endless I love yous and boak inducing soppiness. Yes that happens to some (drunk) people but for others it is very simple. You love each other, you want to make it official. I have no unrealistic expectations of my husband but more importantly I don't have unrealistic expectations of myself as a wife.

We don't change, we are exactly the same (only sometimes we get a different name).

Good luck chick

pudgy what a thoughtful, useful post. Nothing to add

My cousin had been with his wife for many years when they got married, living together for ages too. They went on honeymoon (which he said was great), got back and she moved out the next day. That was it - she never moved back, and they got a divorce.

I assume she must have known before the wedding that she was making a mistake but didn't feel able to stop the snowball that a wedding can become. But if you ask my cousin, he would rather she'd cancelled 6 weeks beforehand than gone through with it. He thought it was the happiest day of his life and it turned out to be a lie.

On the other hand, maybe you are just nervous / stressed out and these feelings are temporary - especially as you've only been feeling this way for the last 2 weeks. You need to talk to someone about it - maybe your fiance or mum or close friend. Don't necessarily say you are thinking of cancelling the wedding as that would sound quite dramatic! Just say how nervous and worried you are and try to talk through whether, as pudgy says, your feelings are about the wedding, or the marriage.

Listen to your gut feeling. If you need to see a therapist or professional to help you process it and make whichever decision you need to. I heard somewhere that your thoughts are 95% garbage and your feelings are more the 'real' you, so you need time to work out what these feelings are and what they mean. You don't need to make a rash decision, however, you do need to listen to yourself.

I wish I had listened to my feelings before I got married. They were right. I should have walked out before the wedding, I should definitely have walked out before we had children, I should have walked out before I let the mess happen that has been my life the past few years and the pain of separation and divorce. Looking back the little feelings that I was working very hard at hiding were telling me something, that my thoughts wouldn't listen to or tried to rationalise. Just think - what if you don't feel differently after the wedding. What if there are other things going on that you just aren't aware of yet (in my case it was mental health issues, alcoholism and narcissism - all hidden through denial and charm).

Is there any way that you can get some space from him, to relax,chill,and hopefully come to the right decision for you?

I second the gut feeling statement. I have wasted so much on dysfunctional relationships because of ignoring that all important feeling.

You need some time away from him to think. You have known him a long time so it's not like it's a rushed decision to marry. Cold feet always come for a reason and I would at least postpone if not cancel.

Thanks for the replies.

The wedding was Originally a big church wedding, but after us both feeling that it wasn't us, we cancelled it and rebooked a much more casual and intimate wedding.

Weird thing is, I am so looking forward to the wedding day and seeing my nearest and dearest so happy.

I just want to make sure it's the right person.

I cried this morning and told him that I was worried about it all and he tried to reassure me that it was just dress/jitters and all will be fine after.

He also says he has been stressed and so probably hasn't been himself which might be what has pushed me away.

Work is very stressful for the both of us and wedding planning gas been the most tiresome experience of my life.

I want to be married, just hate the work and build up to this point.

Unfortunatly I have no one nearby who I can go and stay with, otherwise I would :(

Is it really only the last 2 weeks that you've felt like this?

Yea, definitley just last two weeks.

Before that I was ok major countdown mode

I think it is the last minute stress and jitters,but please dont go by what I say too much.This is too big a decision to go by a mumsnetter who does not know you.
I think , if I were you,and especially since your partner knows what is going on, I would still try and get some space in your house.Tell him you need the space to sort yourself out,and keep out of his way in the house for say 3 days.Sounds mad I know,but may be enough for you to see the wood from the trees.
The wedding day isnt going to be right if you are not right.