i know motherhood is hard but is it cos my dh selfish?

[Cazm2]

Hi all I have 9 week old dd till thurs suffering silent reflux now has medication. She has never slept well cos of this or settled even in day. I think this has made things harder. First baby bad labour hospital 5 days 2 blood transfusions. Been with Dh 17 years married 5 years. Bit mummified but that's another issue. He is very good with dd. However he only seems to me to be doing nice bits. I do all housework dinners etc do night feeds after 1 as he has work. At weekends I try let him sleep in as busy stressful job. However since dd born he's played tennis within 2 weeks of birth and been out on lash 3 times. He is out tonight on leaving do curry then pub however turned into going into town.this always happens he can't say no or seem to me to remember responsibilities at home. I have had 1/1/2 hours sleep so far whilst he will roll in and be useless. I end up just constantly knackered. I am feeling very resentful as It ut just doesn't seem to have affected his life and there is no thought for me esp tonight, he also spends lots of time messing on his phone generally doing nothing useful. He wants to have his cake and eat it. How do I cope with this or change things? I get told I am nagging. I know he works but I just feel angry and upset. My dm works full time so unable to help in weeks. My mil is pain in rear and stresses me out more. Never really offering to help do anything chores etc. Hopefully meds work and dd sleeps and feels better

Ps he rolled in at 315 after saying 12. We have wedding to go to tomo and I am already shattered being up with dd. Feel sovery angry and upset

Poor you. My ds did not sleep as a baby so know how you feel.
You need to tell dh how tired you are and itemise things you want him to do. Men, IMHO, don't always know what is needed and when.

Work out what you want him to do allowing for making sure he has enough rest because of working. And then sit down with him and talk.

One thing that helped us was for me to have a siesta at weekends when dh could care for baby and me to feel better too. Worked well and I still have the occasional siesta now although ds is 8 and sleeps well!

He is not pulling his weight. You need to demand his help.

Yes. He is slacking and you cannot survive with so little sleep. He needs to step up or you will resent him forever.

You need to have a good cry in front of him - which shouldn't be too hard given how tired you must be! I think sometimes they just don't realise how tired we can be!

Something that has really helped us is that any wake-ups past 6am are thought of as morning so I'll feed then pass her to my dh to take who then gives me as much sleep as he can (even just 40 minutes can make a big difference). This also goes for weekends, where I take full advantage and have a lie-in.

You will find the strength to keep going, but you will be much happier if you can make him realise just how tired you are.

Small babies are relentless and you need your rest too. He is not doing enough to help. You must get 7 hours sleep, even if it is in parts or you will get ill.

Sit him down and point out that if your health is affected due to stress and exhaustion it is going to be very hard to cope.

Then decide which jobs each of you will do during the week and who gets each weekend lie in. There are two so you get one each.

A rough guide is that when you are both home each of you should have the same amount of free time.

It's very hard but most weekends
He lays in but now I am fed up I can't remember last time I had 7 hours sleep!!! He just expects her to fit into his life and routines and not the other way round eg has to faff around with coffee machine at weekends even it means she is crying or if I sleep unless he takes her out he will sit with her on his lap and be on his phone then she gets bored and frustrated. It's the going out esp last night which means now he is now good for today or me laying in tomo as he has made himself even more sleep deprived.

He sounds thoughtless and immature. He is expecting to carry on as if he is footloose and fancy free. Did he not want to have a baby? He can't be that young if you've been together 17 years- but it is the sort of behaviour one associates with young men. You must be very disappointed.

We are both nearly 32. He desperately wanted a baby I had a mmc with first pregnancy. He is otherwise good with her. But weekends are an issue and I am sittinghere in tears through no sleep while he snores it off. Maybe I am being unfair.

kahlua is right - you need to think about what would really help you. I think many men respond better to a specific request than to a more general 'I need more help'.

You say in your OP 'At weekends I try let him sleep in as busy stressful job' so it sounds like you have been OK up till now with him having a lie in, but now the sleep deprivation is catching up with you? Maybe you were trying to be superwoman and have realised it's harder than you realised. Don't worry - that's normal!

Give your DH a chance to do the right thing. Instead of shouting at him and calling him selfish, tell him you can't cope any longer and need help from him, eg taking turns at night, or having one lie in each at the weekend and a nap in the day as well - whatever you think you need. Once he starts pulling his weight with the sleep thing I expect his nights out will reduce without you having to ask, as he'll realise he's just too tired!

Of course if he doesn't step up to help you then you need to stop being nice and lay down the law.

If he doesn't want you to nag, he needs to either do as he's asked or politely explain why that's not possible

To be honest I haven't been ok letting him lie in just let him do it but I am resentful. I haven't been out yet to be honest I am just too tired. It just puts more pressure on me today as he is hungover and tired. Dd is wide awake so needs watching I can't leave her with him still reeking of booze and half asleep. Tonight he will be tired and catch up from drinking and its just on from there the whole weekend is wasted I feel I can't do anything enjoyable as just too tired

You need to set boundaries down now, otherwise another child and a few years down the line, you will be feeling very resentful and he still still be behaving like this.

Op your dh is ripping the piss and you need to nip it in the bud-NOW! I really feel for you as I went through similiar with my dh when we had our eldest dc-I was feeding every 3 hours and my dc was a slow ester so I was basically getting no sleep. Dh wouldnt help at night as he works and like yourd would either spend the weekend drinking or playing on his computer.

8 years down the line and a couple of dcs later things have improved a lot!-I took great advice on here about giving my dh clear instructions so now I tell him what I want him to do-for example I always get a lie in on a sunday now,he makes breakfast and sorts kids and I get a rest.

Seriously you can not let this go on-you have to sit him down and tell him it is not acceptable and he has to change.

However busy and stressful his job is, it is not as busy and stressful as the first few weeks looking after a new born! You have to tell this man child to face up to his responsibilities as a father!