Ex being scary with children

[helpmeprotectmykids]

I am looking for some advice about my children's relationship with their father.

We separated 3 yrs ago as I could no longer cope with his anger (shouting and swearing over trivial things, smashing things, being v rough and angry with children, one only a baby)

First 18 months were v strained but since then he seems to have calmed down. Children visit him twice a week. They are 4 & 9.

One night a week he collects dd and her friend from their club, drops friend home and dd stays with him.

Yesterday friend's mother popped into see me to say that during car journey home from club, ex had shouted v loudly at dd to the point her own dd had become v frightened and upset. She wanted to let me know and hoped my own dd was ok. Her dd couldn't go to sleep because she was so upset about it.

I asked dc about it and they both looked v sad and said, "Dad gets very angry sometimes." Later dd told me more about it, she was very tearful and said she feels to blame for making everything go wrong when she's at her father's.

I texted ex to ask what happened and he texted back that "DD was v naughty and he shouted, the friend cried, he said sorry and took friend home and explained to her parents".

I texted back that dd feels quite devastated by her friend being so upset and that pick up arrangements may have to change. He offered to phone the mother.

I also said that dd feels responsible for his angry outbursts and that was terrible for her self esteem. He texted back to say it's not her fault but she is very naughty.

At my house the children have little squabbles but there is rarely a big drama. The atmosphere is relaxed and the children often play happily and help each other out. I put a lot of emphasis on kindness, acknowledging the children when they help out and for little acts of generosity.

Yet it seems that when they are with their father, their relationship is fraught with much squabbling and both feeling picked on by each other.

At this point ex is saying he'd like to talk with dd and me. In a sense he is saying the right things, but I feel deeply concerned. Historically he has said all right things in counselling and then carried on being v abusive.

I wonder whether it's time for dc to stop visiting him but am aware that this may add to dd's feelings of blame. I would also have to reduce my working hours and therefore take a drop in income which I find very worrying as already struggling.

The dc do have some happy times with him, but I am unsure whether this is enough to balance out his abusive outbursts.

I am going to apply for an appt with a family relationships help type place but in the meantime, would appreciate advice from others who have been through this.

Thank you so much

Thank you for your thoughts.

To anyone who considers I am ignoring or uncaring, infact I feel v concerned and, although not charging in all guns blazing, am determined to make changes to keep dc safe.

Busybusybust - I think she should be told that her daddy shouting at her is a complete no-no, and nice daddies don't do this - and she should ring you to come and fetch her if he shouts. She should also be told that it is nothing to do with her or her behaviour - it's daddy who is totally at fault. I agree, and I have told her this.

TheHappyHissy - thank you for link, much appreciated. Not in UK but it's a similar organisation I have applied to for an appt.

foolonthehill - thank you for that excerpt, it is in keeping with my own feelings about it all. My task now is to set up that added security for dc.

crazygracieuk - The fact that he insists that your dd is at fault is worrying unless she did something really reckless like try and jump out of a moving car or something. I agree absolutely. Her apparent crime was to elbow her brother. Ex totally over-reacts and also blames others for his anger.

Supervised contact only for this madman I think.
Then he can't say you have stopped him seeing the dcs, and they won't have the upheaval of the sudden change, but you can keep an eye on him.
of course he will complain but it's either that or he stops the shouting which he won't.
He needs the power taken away from him, either said than done of course.
I feel for you OP, you sound like a great mum