Since our split DD7 has been very subdued

[KirstyWirsty]

Since discovery day at new year my DD7 has been putting a very brave face on things ('Im fine!') but told me the other night that she has been worrying about the fact that our house is on the market. Her main worries are if we move out of the marital home we won't have room for her stuff (toys really) and there won't be any kids to play with (Her dad has moved to a rented house where there are no kids)

I have tried to reassure her that being in an area near her school with kids to play with is my number one priority and asked her if she had any other worries. She was breaking her heart and said that she has no friends at school - the ones she normally plays with don't anymore.

I tried to tell her to play with others etc and you don't have to be friends with just one person or group. It's a shame she is going through this on top of everything else and I wondered if anyone else had any good advice?

Is school aware of the break-up? I've found that some teachers can be really helpful if they know the score. Most of her concerns are obviously about the direct effect on her. I think all you can do is to keep encouraging her to make the best of the situation, involve her when you choose a new place to live (so that she knows her views are being taken into account), and get her dad to make a special effort, when she visits there, to find activities that involve other children.

speak to school.
have her join brownies or other kids group after school
(where there may eb oher kids not at her school so diff group of riends potentially)
keep listening to her and letting her talk.

read www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

Hi Cogito Yes I wrote a letter to the teacher as soon as DD was back at school after the split and asked him to let me know if there were in concerns or any changes in her behaviour

At parents' night he said that she was more prone to tears over little things that wouldn't have bothered her before.. Stupid arse ex just sat there oblivious to the fact that this was all his doing!

She's bound to be a little anxious - as she would be with any house move looming, whatever the circumstances. All you can do is reassure her that she won't be moving schools, will still be near any friends etc.

Children do tend to pick up on your anxieties - you just have to try to focus on the positive outcomes of a new home, new opportunities for friendships etc.

Also, they change friends all the time at that age anyway. If you intend to stay in the same area what about doing clubs - swimming, drama, brownies or something like that where she can make contact with children who are in the area but not necessarily at her school?

Hi Cestlavie She is in Brownies and also goes to dancing twice a week..

I'll have a look at the book thanks x

Hi Olga I have been telling her how exciting it will be to have our own place ... but don't want to make too big a thing about that as the market isn't that great (only had the 1st viewer after 2 months yesterday) so it may take a while

Regardless of whether a child is conflicted by events over which they have little control, I recommend this book for all children young and old: www.amazon.co.uk/Wizards-Wish-Yuckies-Story-About/dp/1451570902/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337863723&sr=1-1

Just one thought - if you keep (understandably) telling her how exciting it will be to move or have two homes you are potentially telling her not to trust her own feelings - which are probably sadness and confusion about the changes.

I think it would be more beneficial (as I am sure you have already btw) to keep allowing her to talk about her fears and sadness and say things like 'I know that you feel sad, it's all very different isn't it? I get sad too sometimes'.

I felt so sorry for my ds and dn when the whole family were almost hysterically pelting them with 'Ooh isn't this all so exciting, new beginnings, two bedrooms, more toys!'. Everyone did it with best of intentions but I worried the kids thought 'Grown ups are saying I should be happy and excited, what's wrong with me for feeling sad?'.

Yes that's a very good point, Proudnscary, it's much better to ask children how they're feeling and talk their anxieties through with them than tell them how they should be feeling!

Like everything else in life it won't always be exciting or fun. It's usually best to provide simple reassurance that everything possible will be done to work things out so they are as happy as they can be.

That is a very good point Proud ... I do ask her how she's feeling but a lot of the time I just get 'I'm fine!' in a 'can you not just leave me be' sort of voice

I've ordered the book that Cestlavie recommended - I don't have any behaviour issue with DD .. but the first part when it was saying that you belittle your child's feelings 'You're not cold'/'You're not tired'etc did ring a bell so I thought I'd have a look .. that could also apply to the point that you made Proud

Izzy - this forum is costing me a fortune - ordered the book from on here and the Shirley Glass book already this week .. will have a look ta

I am trying to reassure DD that she is always my number one priority and the new house will be bought with her in mind and she can help pick it ..

I myself am totally gutted to be leaving my beautiful home ... It was bought from the builder and we all moved in at the same time and had our kids there and both DD and I have made lots of friends.. We won't be moving far (less than a mile probably) but too far for DD to go to play by herself just yet

Oh yes actually I bought that book too - it's the only parenting book I've ever bought!

And yes the not telling my dc how they feel thing did stick with me.

It sometimes works with my extremely difficult 7 year old daughter when she's in the throes of a tantrum. I'll say like 'Wow it sounds like you feel pretty angry' like some kind of looney American shrink but it actually makes her stop and calm down because I'm really listening to her!

(I meant by nephew and neice upthread btw the way, not my son and my nephew).