I think he must be a psychopath

[singlemum2012]

I was the one that started the "Will he hurt me" thread. I'm honestly quite shocked that I could even conceive of seeing him again, I honestly was not expecting the reaction that my thread generated. I've been reading up on sociopaths/psychopaths and he ticks so many of the boxes, apart from looking perhaps too obvious rather than being sneaky about it. I can't understand what got into me that I thought he was safe to go home with / have a second date with, all I can say is that he was so charming and charismatic and handsome that I seemed to ignore/squash any nagging concerns. I seem to attract more than my fair proportion of control freaks / narcissists, I have no idea why. Too much of a pleaser? Low self-esteem? Come across as vulnerable? Drama seeker? I don't know but I've disabled my profiles on the dating sites while I figure this thing out. I can't afford therapy so got to figure this thing out on my own. Your thoughts please...

If we all found the same type of person attractive, the world would be a dull and very underpopulated place. If you like edgy, dangerous types I don't think that makes you flawed or vulnerable or a drama seeker especially. It just happens to be your taste. If you realise that it puts you in the path of some peculiar people, however, you can do something about it. Appraise people rather more critically, perhaps? Ask others for an opinion? And maybe you should go out with a few men that are the opposite to what you think 'your type' is? What you think you want and what you actually want may be quite different.

My thoughts are, keep it simple. Don't look too closely at things...if you get a bad feeling/doubts/negative emotions etc from the other person, call it off. Relationships should not make you feel bad, if they do, steer clear :)
You dont need counselling imo, you just need to trust your instincts and have the guts to tell yourself that there really are more fish in the sea and one day you will meet one who does not bring any negativity into your life :)

I read somewhere yesterday on a website on narcissism, some advice that I thought was really useful- when you start dating again, ignore the type of man you usually would go for and give the types you normally would ignore a go. I liked it anyway.

I agree, there's probably nothing "wrong" with you at all :)

There is with me though! I'm still correcting a lifetime of caring vastly more about other people's happiness than my own. My first thought was/is always to please them in some way, then I'll max out my emotional radar checking if they like me, what alterations to make if they don't, and generally sacrificing whatever ego I have to theirs. I'm getting better but I just did it yesterday with a stranger on the doorstep! (I really shouldn't have been nice to him, for reasons I shan't explain.)

My therapy began with writing down what I love about myself and what I want. Years later, I still need to do the "wants" on a regular basis as I'm so out of practice with even recognising I have any needs, never mind knowing what they are :(

I'm sure you're not such a world-class psycho pleaser as me Just thought I'd share in case you recognise anything.

That is helpful thank you - I got a bollocking on the other thread, being accused of problems with boundaries, self-esteem, told I needed to see a therapist...

I was following your other thread at first, though haven't seen the back half of it. I felt a bit worried about you to begin with. You seemed to be letting your fanny lead your mind So I kind of agreed you might be due to for some soul-searching. Just as I'd decided to pile in and try to explain why people were suggesting that, you dumped him! So you didn't need that advice any more

Good on you, I hope you get to the bottom of it so that you can find someone nice.

You're obviously able to recognise the signs so unlike some people you're not blind to it. Maybe you're lonely and were latching onto the attention, ignoring the signs flashing in front of you because you desperately needed intimate contact? That's understandable, you're only human, we're social creatures and need a connection with others.

Is it possible for you to join a gym/take up zumba/kickboxing/book club so you have something for yourself, an opportunity to meet others and develop friendships. It could build your confidence, expand your social horizons and could help you meet a nice man with shared interests.

I think it's preferable to meet a man in real life rather than over the net (not saying that doesnt work for some!), preferably through people you know, who know them and their reputation. That tends to cut the pschyos out because people gossip.

Take good care of yourself, best of luck...

garlicfucker - not only my fanny but he had been texting me constantly and I was just relishing the attention. I wasn't looking for sex but intimacy and he was giving me all of this attention and then when we got together he was so cuddly.

bobbledunk - I am a mature student and not working at the moment so I spend all my day studying at home and every evening at home with the kids, I have no family nearby and no-one to babysit unless I pay them, they go to their dad's at weekends. I have however joined some social groups and join in with them at weekends, although sometimes I have pressure points on my course when I just have to spend every spare moment studying. So meeting people is very difficult right now. Come September I'll be looking for work though and that will help a lot I think.

It will get better, once you start working you'll meet more people and have the financial independence you need to have a decent social life. It will be a confidence booster too. It sounds hard at the moment, no wonder you were so vulnerable to him. You'll get through it, this time next year you will be wondering what the hell you were thinking and hopefully enjoying yourself! You just need patience till you get there

singlemum - just remember to look at the whole picture... Cuddly and lots of attention may be good, but not necessarily when accompanied by hammers, knives and some sort of food fetish....

Perhaps you should promise yourself that you're going to spend a bit more time getting to know someone a little bit better before getting too close or spending too much time with them? And after you meet someone you should, after your 'date' try and write down some positives and negatives - at least this will help you to 'appraise' people a bit?

mistlethrush - yes I will, I just got completely carried away by all his attention and compliments - I came away after first date imagining we actually had a future together and telling all my friends I'd found the man of my dreams!!! crazy...

Perhaps all you need to ask yourself is whether 'that nest of vipers' would approve or not?

I read some of your other thread and as a single Mum myself I understood some of your thoughts and something that has really helped me over the last couple of years is the Baggage Reclaim website. A good place to start for all newly single people I think, particularly the stuff about boundaries and dating being a discovery process. I highly recommend it.

Thank you, I'll have a look at that.

Oh god yes, Baggage Reclaim is amazing. Basically the more amazing you think someone is early on, without having much basis for it but just feeling it anyway, the more wary you need to be.

I'm struggling with the same issues so I know how you feel, and I can't afford therapy either. I wish I could. I learn from people who have healthy relationships and good boundaries and think about what makes them tick, try to imagine what they would do when faced with the kind of people I tend to go for. Getting other opinions early on can stop you from going too far wrong - keep reality checking til you get good at sussing them at first glance.

daffydowndilly,could you point me in the direction of the website you read please?or pm me if you would rather?thanks.

It's awesome

Seeing a therapist is not the sign of a loser. It is paradoxically the brave honest ones that go, ie the very fact that you are going, shows you aren't crazy (crazy people don't own their stuff but deny it and shove it on to others like Mr Gym Bunny. HE is crazy).

So don't see it as a badge of shame, but as the courageous act it is. I think your coming off dating sites etc, is a wise move whilst you work out what it is you really want.

And, Lundy Bancroft says that abusive men ARE amazingly charming and charismatic. To being with. So don't blame yourself. All we can ask ourselves is why we turn to exciting men, whilst walking past kind people prepared to love us for who we are. That is what we are responsible for. And the more emotionally healthy you get, the less compelling dangerous people are (healthy people see the asshole straight away)

Some things spring to mind, Singlemum.

1. The vibes. You can get exciting vibes from some people, but if they are dangerous in some way, I think you also get other vibes. So question 1, do you repress them? Acting decisively, bases on these senses, can save a lot of hassle.

1. Time. It takes time to know people. Take your time, pause, and evaluate. Do I like this person, do I agree with this person's values, were they rude or nasty to me just then?

1. Vulnerability. Single mothers (I am one BTW) can be vulnerable at times. The need for love, attention, relationship, sex, whatever - especially if its been a while - can mean judgments are suspended!

1. Seeing yourself as powerful? You may have an inner power, but do you act on it in the real world?

These are some questions to think about OP. They may not all apply to you, but some may ring a bell.