I dont know what to do anymore
im 23 i have two son age nearly 2 and 4
its is going to be long and im sorry but i need to get it all out...
For a long time ive been falling out of love with my husband of 4 years (been together 8, theres a large age gap, and he has habits im ashamed to say i thought i could change, like hes doesnt like my family said alot of very harmful thing to them- he hates going to children parties- he has a controlling side to him, he doesnt cope well with the kids at times and leashes out, throws strops and makes me feel so alone it makes my feel more like hes daughter then his wife, i run home from seeing my parents or work as to not upset him- hes not a talker and we rub eachother up when we fight pushing and pushing never dealing with problems.
A big part of the story is i have been having affair for a couple of years with someone call S, he had such a hold on me, he loved me he leave his ex for me, promised to sort himself out and was always there when i needed him, we talked about what we wanted i fell in love with everything he said he was.
he was always there.
For the pasting 2 years the arguments where getting worse between me and my husband i feel under control i had no friends because i was scared of his moods i felt scared to even ask to go out for a girly night will my mum i was feeling lost and trapped i pushed him away and the more i did the more he keeps trying it on and the more i kept thinking i would be happier with the other man.
We made a plan i would leave my husband and move in with S and id be happy.
Everything deadline we made came a went, yet he still promised he wanted to be with me that he loved me and i would be happier, although this time my husband and i where having so many problems hed been out of work new baby i was paying nearly all the bills, dealing with the kids and working part time i felt so swapped i continued to push him away hiding myself in emails of hope and promises id get angry when he tried to cuddle me and touch me, me head was so full of the promise S was making me- planing out a prefect life for me and my two sons.
and becuase of this my husband got worse
I kept washing over the deadlines the promises S broke the lies i found in his stories, the other women he flirted with because i wanted to believe i was worth someone trying to change, listen and be with me.
I snapped and one morning after my husband forcing himself on me in a act of trying to i suppose show love i called the police i reported him of sexual assault S said he was proud of me for standing up to him that its was going to be more then okay he loved me and wed get everything we wanted.
So 2 weeks past and my husbands on bail and i stopped hearing from S as much bells where ring in my head i was feeling guilty for what i had done even though i was right at the time i kept staring at picture of my husband thinking about everything we once wanted i couldnt take seeing his stuff so started packing it away, the kids where behaving better my youngest talk more then ever- i tried to make myself believe i was doing the right thing he always said hed never change and i had someone promising me and my kids the world but still my head was a mess i begged the police not to send him to prison, i was a mess i handed over my marriage certificate to my solicitor but i said i wasnt sure if i wanted a divorce yet, i was scared of a war of him taking the kids i applyed for a contact centre and it was turned down i hated to kids not seeing him but what if he lost his temper or he took them from me in spite, i was so scared
Then S spent a day with me and the kids and again i feel into his promises he loved me he was standing by me he was great with my parents who have always said they only ask i do what right for the boys and me i deserve to feel happy to have friends a life away from home, work and kids that he wouldnt have waited this long if he didnt mean everything and more.... i found out my husband had cancelled a insurance on my very ill cat which would mean id have to have her put to sleep i was so stocked and broken it made it clear he must have never cared i started to file for a divorce with S blessing and him telling me he loved me
A week later i found out he had a girlfriend for the past month- i told him i knew and why me why did i deserve this after opening my heart to him to believing him and supporting him filling my head with such dreams.
Hes answer...what is there to say, i never thought yourd leave him and my ex will never let me see the kids if im with you as she hates me it was always going to be that way, it was easy to pretend. i send goodbye said i felt sorry for him he said take care im only email away if you need me. the prick.
he still mailing me asking me to talk to him and not to hate him, i dont i pity him, i hate myself for believing him, he still ringing and pasting me message between him and the mother of his kids she told him to leave her and the kids alone shes throw with his empty promises and fucking around. i feel sorry for him but he did this to himself
Since then im a mess my husband email me saying 'i still love you and i cant do it to squishy (the cat) so ill ring them (the insurance to have it un-cancelled changed to my name)
its our 4 year anniversary today and i cant stop crying, i keep meaning to contact my solicitor and ask for relate between me and my husband but as he on bail i dont even no if we can- im so scared theyll say no.
i keep wanting to talk to my husband to shout to cry to do something, anything... clearly he does to he keeps poking me on facebookand hes read this post
i keep wanting him to come through the door and tell my he'll change get help for he temper, be more supportive to be who i needed him to be, but he cant.
I know i need to be single for a while i cant rush this as im feeling so fragile..i want a cuddle so badly it feels like ill die
how did i make such a mess of everything