So, so angry with DH!

[Glabella]

DH has depression, been struggling with it for the last 2 years, and we have an 8 month old dd. When he's depressed he is a nightmare to live with- quickly angered, moody, doesn't speak to me for days on end, does nothing around the house, can't cope with looking after our daughter. At his worst he was quite abusive- calling me names, screaming at me, never violent but quite intimidating and 'in my face'. He's been on medication for the last 18 months, and it works brilliantly- within a week or so he's a different man. He's been hugely sorry for the way he behaved..

When dd was born he stopped taking his meds- he says he thought he didn't need them so just stopped, without telling me. Anyway, he became a nightmare, and I had no idea why. It took 3 months before he'd admit he'd come off the tablets, so that was 3 months of me being miserable, and him being a frankly shit dad and doing nothing for the baby. I was furious with him, and he promised to never do it again. He stepped up and has been a great dad.

The last 6 weeks he's been awful again- moody, withdrawn, grumpy etc. I've asked him a million times whether he's taken his tablets, he's always promised he has been taking them. I've been frantic with worry about him, and dd has stopped sleeping so I'm also utterly exhausted. The other week he told me he doesn't think he loves me any more, so I've been pretty much heartbroken too. Today I sent him back to the GP because I was so worried- he came back and told me, you guessed it, he stopped taking his meds 2 months ago- apparently he 'just kept forgetting' (for 2 months, with me asking him every other day??!!). He apparently didn't do it on purpose and it's not his fault. I beg to differ- they are the single most important thing he should be remembering right now - the thing that keeps him well, enables him to be a good dad and husband and a part of our family. I am beyond furious with him. He has lied and lied to my face saying he has been taking them, driven me mad with worry, seen me sobbing and heartbroken and at the end of my tether and at no point did it occur to him to maybe tell me he wasn't taking them, or to start taking them again! I know he is ill, and it is crap to have to take tablets, but he's been totally irresponsible and stupid and selfish, and a million other words I have just yelled at him. (I know this is not helpful)

I need you guys to talk some sense into me, and tell me if I'm being hugely unreasonable or if I'm right to be so angry. At the moment I'm just too cross to see straight, I just spilt cereal all over the kitchen and broke my favourite bowl, because my hands were shaking I was so furious. I can't even look at him.

I'm going to come at this at a slightly different angle, as I've had lots of experience of taking antidepressants. Someone else mentioned further up thread about side effects, they can totally kill your libido and for men make it hard to get an erection and cum (sorry no pun was intended there) and I really really hated the libido killing side effect, really hated it, and it's very difficult/taboo for someone to talk about. Has he told you why he hates taking them?
The other thing is, it is never ever good to stop taking them cold turkey, the withdrawals can be really horrible and this is what's happening to him, the withdrawals can feel like the original depression and worse and so it can be a head fuck. If he does want to come off them at some point, he needs to do it extremely slowly and carefully and preferably with a liquid version.
I think the thinking is that you are supposed to take them for about a year after the point at which you feel well again and then taper off them.

Strawberry has a point.

Also, ex was on citalopram and I could tell after a few days when he had not been taking it.
It is horrid.

Yes, what strawberry said. I used to take Efexor and when I missed a dose or tried to stop cold turkey, the withdrawal was horrendous - at least as bad as the original depression and anxiety. And it didn't just go away after a few days, either. It went on and on. In the end I tapered down over months to get off them, and still had a brutal few weeks when I stopped altogether. Took a while to feel like myself again.

Psychoactive meds aren't like popping paracetamol for a headache, and coming off them is something you plan in advance with the help of a doctor, you don't just wake up one day and chuck them in the bin. He really needs to stop messing around with his meds, because apart from anything else, just stopping them like that says nothing about whether he could cope without them long-term - he'll be in a state of withdrawal, not a state of normality.

And I agree with everyone else that it's damn selfish to just decide to stop taking the thing that makes him a functional husband and parent. I don't blame you for being livid. I hope you've shocked some sense into him, but I think he needs to be on his last chance now. One more strike and he's out. You need to be able to trust him to manage his condition, and keep you in the loop about decisions that affect the entire family.

Citalopram withdrawal is horrible - done it myself. I tapered over several weeks and cut tablets in half, quarter etc.
If he desperately wants to come of anti-ds, it might be worth switching to another type first, for example Prozac has a much longer half-life, so stays in the body for longer, therefore much more smooth withdrawal.
Understandable that you are very angry. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour, depressed or not. Hope that you can sort it out.

He is responsible for his medication. Not you. If he chooses not to remember his medication, he is choosing not to remember the damage he is doing to your marriage and your dd. I urge you not to take control of administering it or ensuring he takes it. It has to be his choice.

I agree with those who say last chance. Make sure he understands how you feel about it. Ask for a promise that if he chooses to come off the medicine he discusses with you and his GP first.

There are dozens of kinds of ADs so if side-effects are an issue he and his doctor can try different ones until he gets one that works but doesn't have distressing side effects.
What is he saying about why he not only stopped taking them but lied to you about it for months?

Agree with others.
ADs can have some very strong side effects. but if one isn't working well, the he should go back to his GP and try another.
I would imagine the OP would have know if he had libido/erection problems in the last 18 months?

For me the issue is different though. I can see why one would want to stop ADs. I can see why they would to do it on their own terms (even though it's obvious that doing it with GP advice is a much better way).
But this is different isn't it? He has had the experience of stopping them before and for that not to work. He knows the effect it has on his DW. And he lied re taking them to his DW (who obviously knew from his behaviour that he wasn't taking them).
He'd better have a very good explanation as to why he lied.

He didn't have any side effects really- a bit of anxiety and fuzziness when he started on them or increased the dose but nothing after that. Thanks to those who know about withdrawl, its helpful to understand how he's feeling.

He says he forgot the tablets for a couple of days due to odd shifts at work and being stressed out, then he put off starting them again because of a important interview, and then got stuck in a vicious cycle of withdrawing from them and becoming depressed, and it having gone on too long to tell me. He gets so angry and irrational when he's ill that to be honest I think once he started withdrawing and the depression was returning he was stuck. Not excusing him, but at least it wasn't totally on purpose IYSWIM.

The lying has happened before when he's been ill- a pattern from his childhood that resurfaces. He seems to emotionally disconnect when the depression hits, so he lies to cover up 'failures' (spending too much money, missing appointments etc) and doesn't seem to see the impact it has or why it hurts me until he starts recovering, when he feels horrible about it. We are working on this, he has another block of counselling coming up.

He's staying for now- but he knows this is absolutely his last chance. I won't take charge of his tablets- I've always refused to do that, he needs to be responsible for himself. I hope this has shocked him enough to get him to grow up a bit, and Balloon you're right- it does make a good ultimatum, for me and for him- it's useful to have a point at which to say 'if things aren't better by x then we're done'.

Thanks for not all just telling me to leave the bastard- depression really is shit, half the time I have no idea which bits of him are him and which bits are the illness.

Depression is shit and it's shit for partners . I wish you both all the best!