how often do you argue?

[Fooso]

I'm not sure if my relationship is heading for the rocks or whether it is normal! We've been together almost 3 years (3 kids, 1 mine, 2 his and we all live together). We don't have big rows but if we have a disagreement we both tend to sulk for a day or so and the atmosphere at home is horrible. Due to previous family and relationship issues I alwasy think an argument spells the end of a relationship. We don't seem to be able to argue properly!We don't swear at each other or say horrible things - we just disagree and then don't speak. It is frustrating us both I think. I feel so down when it happens, usually about once a month. We do have a quite stressful life (not a typical family set up) so maybe it is normal that we bicker occasionally. How often do you and your DP bicker?

The disagreement part isn't a problem. (I disagree with boyfriends all the time but they usually come round to my point of view which is obviously the right one ) Sulking is a bit childish however. Have you tried the old adage of 'never let the sun go down on an argument'? Make an effort to come to some kind of settlement and metaphorically shake hands or agree to differ rather than let it drag on for a second day?

Thanks Cogito - your advice is always good. I know you're right - it is childish. I suppose I could be the more grown up out of the two of us and give him a cuddle and say "lets not argue" - that would sort it but we are both similar and don't want to admit we're wrong. I think one of us has to break the cycle and I think it's going to be me - he won't ever admit he's wrong - but then that's men isn't it?

I never admit I'm wrong... and I'm not a man. :) Seriously however, it's not really about admitting you're wrong a lot of the time as acknowledging the other person has a valid opinion, accepting a difference of opinion and/or reaching a consensus. Unless, of course, it's some very crucial or personal decision... something worth making a stand over and something you need your partner to support you on, even if they disagree. IME those kinds of decisions don't come around that often so it's a case of picking your battles

DH and I are the same. I was in a verbally/physically abusive relationship in the past, and as such HATE when things get loud. My response is to storm off and sulk. So is DH's, though his probably stems from being an only child who got his way by sulking.

Honestly, it works for us. We give each other some space and after a few hours, at the most a day, he does something stupid to make me laugh and then we have a calm rational discussion about what we were both upset about.

As for how often....about once a month I'd say. Bit more when DS was just born and we were tired and cranky all the time.

I'm a massive confrontation-avoider so I'll do whatever I can to avoid a major row. But then it becomes a sulk, and I've realised actually it's much healthier to say "I'm pissed off because you said/did X, and we need to sort it out" - i.e to have that confrontation.

You're bound to argue - all couples do at least sometimes. But you need to find a way to resolve them that works and doesn't create that hideous atmosphere - you need to get past that "not speaking" bit more quickly, maybe?

My mum and dad had a very loud, sometimes physical way of rowing (split after 25 years) and I think that means I hate confrontation - whereas he thinks it's healthy. I think we need to find somewhere in the middle.

Yes, unnecessary to go the whole yelling and plate-smashing route but suppressing your feelings into a sulk and not expressing yourself isn't healthy either. I find it helps to keep things personal e.g. 'I'm not happy about.... XYZ' 'I'd like this thing to change... ' because it acknowledges my feelings and is specific what the problem is at the same time. If I go into an disagreeement with phrases like 'the trouble with you is...', 'what I don't like about you is...', 'you never do... XYZ'.. the other person starts instantly digging themselves in and is far less likely to budge.

he won't ever admit he's wrong - but then that's men isn't it?

No, absolutely not!

DH and I don't argue much but we talk all the time, compromise and resolve our differences. No shouting or swearing but good listening and respecting each other's feelings.

Why do you think men don't have to apologise? If he's wrong, he's wrong and he should accept it and move on. He's not a child.

So about once a month you argue, which results in about one or two days worth of sulking? Have I got that right?

If so that sounds friggin fantastic to me, of course I don't know the full ins and outs of your situation. DH and I spend about half the time cross with each other. Not sure you'll find a representative sample on the Relationships board.

in 30 years? hmmm, about 3 times

About three proper arguments in six years.

Occasional minor niggles normally forgotten after about five minutes.

Every couple of months we have a spat which lasts a few minutes. Once or twice a year I get into a sulk for a couple of hours, but they used to last a day or so when things weren't so good between us. DP and I have been together for over 30 years.
We've neveer been verbally or physically violent towards each other.