Trusting after infidelity

[gotcheatedon]

Hi, I changed my name for this as some users on here know me by my other name, although I don't post much.

My DP of 5 years had an affair. I spoke with the other woman and both were quite open with me about everything. I decided to work on things with him and saw the mails between them when he ended things (at the source, i.e his email account as they were coming in and he was replying).

Since then it's been up and down but last night we were taling about the OW and for some reason I got a horrible sensation I was not being told the truth but had no idea about what. I've got zero evidence, and it does seem like they both gave me full disclosure (she got nasty towards the end and said some horrible things to me so if she had ANY more information I would imagine she would have been happy to let me know). All my logic says he has told me everything and there is nothing more but I still don't understand WHY I am feeling so ill about something I can't put my finger on.

I've told him how I feel and he is just saying he HAS told me everything (and he didn't try to wriggle out of anything as far as I can make out, I really can't see what more details could be any more upsetting that those that I already know, since I already know about how much they had sex, when they stayed at her house, the special coffee she got for him puke and so on).

I just can't shake this feeling, I'm actually reacting MORE strongly to this potential unknown than ALL the stuff they both told me put together.

Is this normal? I've never been through this before and was feeling so good and strong about this right up until last night and now I feel awful?

"I still don't understand WHY I am feeling so ill about something I can't put my finger on."

Because you will never quite believe anything he says ever again. 'Trust' in the relationship context isn't about logic and evidence, it's about the feeling your gut. Once your gut says 'I can't believe this man' it's all over. You've been very badly hurt and deceived and there's no use trying to be 'good and strong' about it. I don't see any reason why you would want to shake the feeling. Feelings are there for a reason.

What work is he doing on himself? What has he done/is doing to help you recover? I am not talking about pretty promises.

You now know he is a cheater and you need to know he won't do it again but until he has addressed his character failings, weaknesses and issues that led him to justify to himself that its ok to shag this woman instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc, there is a good chance he will do it again.

Thank you both.

I think this will be the shortest thread ever since just writing that and seeing a couple of responses has made me realise I'll never forgive him.

I'll be ending it tonight.

Thank you for your replies.

Good luck.

Good luck x

I was about to agree with everything Cogito said, but I'll just say good for you, well done and I don't think you'll regret that course of action, instead.

Sorry it's turned out this way, but yes, that feeling in your gut would have been your life from now on in. Well done on saying - no thanks!!

OP, Good Luck! Having 'tried' to save a 19 year relationship after infidelity for nearly a year it will be tough. I'm a few years down the road now and although it has been difficult along the way, as much as I wanted to trust him I just couldn't and the relief I feel now is immense! The best thing I ever did, although not easy. Lots of hugs to you x