Can anyone suggest a book(s) please?

[EatingChocolate]

Hi

Can anyone suggest any books to help an outsider (male if that affects it) understand how the mind of a woman in an abusive relationship works please? Not even sure what I am hoping for exists but need to help a friend so would like to try and from what I've seen when I've been lurking I think you guys are the most likely place for such wisdom!

TIA

:)

It's kind of the polar opposite, but "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft explains a great deal about how abusive men act, how they pass as decent men to outsiders and so on. Pretty much any woman could end up in an abusive relationship, because abusive men are plausible. There is, iirc, quite a lot of input from women who have escaped such men, in the book; can't check because I lent my copy out.

I don't have a book rec but I can tell you some of the thought processes that victims use to excuse/tolerate/rationalise abusive behaviour.

• I love my abuser and they love me. (Implication... love conquers all)
• They are a great parent. The kids would never forgive me if we split.
• They're lovely when they're not angry/drinking/hitting me/shouting/withholding my bank card/doing drugs. They were so romantic when we first met. I wish they were like that all the time so I put up the bad stuff in the hope they will go back to the way they used to be.
• If I was a better person they wouldn't behave this way. (Abusers usually give the victim plenty of reasons why they are sub-standard)
• My abuser is depressed/stressed/has MH issues/anxieties/been hurt in the past/comes from a bad family/from a different culture. It's not their fault. They can't help the way they are.
• I'd leave but I have nowhere to go (no money to live on). I've been told I wouldn't be able to cope on my own and I believe that.
• I've been isolated from my friends and family and have no-one to talk to about this.
• I'm not sure that this behaviour is unacceptable. Don't all couples have problems?

Oh Cogito, great list. A whole book in a few lines.

OP, that is the sum of it!

Thanks all. Typing on my phone so apologies for lack of formatting. The list is great, the reason I'm looking for a book, without telling a story that is not mine to tell, is a friend has come out of an abusive marriage, ex still stirring, her new dp is lovely but just doesn't get why, when he says he loves her, she can't just believe it. I chatted to him yesterday and I think hearing from a third party so there was no emotion involved helped but they have a long way to go before she can break her behaviour patterns and they can have a normal relationship, in the mean time I thought a book so he can see it isn't just her, she isn't wilfully not trusting him, its ingrained behaviours from 15 years of abuse and will take time. I also suggested sole and joint counselling. Any other thoughts appreciated and thanks again :)

I think you've got it on the nail. Abusers are rarely abusive 24/7 because no-one would tolerate that or be attracted to them. They always start out as Mr Nice to get their victim on the hook. Then they alternate Mr Nice with Mr Nasty, keeping their victim slightly unsure, always wary that Mr Nasty will put in an appearance. Mr Nasty - as mentioned above - has also spent 15 years telling this woman that she's worthless. Your friend's new girlfriend is therefore finding it hard to believe that he is genuine, that she's good enough for this nice man, and will be sentitised to even the slightest hint of bad behaviour.

I totally agree, I just hope we can get him to understand it's not him it's her and they can find their way through.
Thanks.