Helping the children cope with dad moving out

[BECKS21]

I found out 2 months ago my husband was having an EA with a work collegue. He says they've kissed and no more, but I'm not sure I believe him. He said he wanted to work things out but I found out he was still in touch with her, and still meets her regularly even now. He says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I've passed the initial shock, and am now trying to come to terms with the fact that he is trying to develop a relationship with the other woman. I have two boys aged 7 and 8 and they are not coping with their dad moving out, they get upset and the little one had a meltdown at school yesterday where he couldn't stop crying about it. Their dad only moved out a week ago so it's still very new for them, any advice on how to help them through this ? I'm not crying in front of them, arranging fun stuff for them to do and being positive about them staying over at their dad's twice a week. What else should I be doing, and how do I answer the question 'what has happened between daddy and you' which the youngest asked last night. Thanks for your help, I'm finding lurking and reading other similar threads really helpful.

You need to talk to them together & make it clear that it's nothing they've done to bring this about. You also need to come up with an age-appropriately truthful explanation together that you can tell them. Children IME do not appreciate being lied to, even to spare their feelings. Let school know, if they don't already, so that they can make allowances. I think Dad has to take the lion's share of the reassurances, make a special effort to spend time with them etc. Sorry you're all experiencing this.

Thanks for the reply, I let school know before he moved out, and we told them together that he would be moving out. Not sure how to tell them that daddy doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, and I don't want to tell them somone else is involved as they seem so young.

You seem to be handling it well for your boys. Probably best not to introduce any uncertainty about what happens in the future. Answer their questions as best you can and along the lines 'it doesn't make Daddy and I happy to live in the same house any more, but we both love you and you still have two parents, just not in the same house.'

Try and fix when your boys will see their father as soon as you can and stick to the routine (it can of course change as things evolve), so they are not wondering when they will next see their father.

(Something that helped my DC when exP moved out, and this is not something for you to do but rather for you to tolerate, was to have a phone call from their father every night to chat through their day; this still happens 3 years on!)

I hope things get easier - you are being asked tough questions.

I just try to answer any questions honestly and never bad mouth DD7's dad in front of her and give lots of cuddles

It was New Year when I asked him to leave when proof of the affair came to light and DD asked me if daddy was coming back to live with us. I replied 'No darling Daddy has a girlfriend' - I immediately regretted it and try to keep things a lot more neutral now

I am civil to STBXH on the doorstep at handovers in front of DD

I try to make sure that she knows that she is loved more than anything and give lots of kisses and cuddles

DD is quite subdued and serious compared to the way she was before this and gets upset easily over small things -school have also commented on this (I gave them a letter first day back at school after the split) so I try and carry on with her and have a bit of fun.

I am trying to be excited about moving out of our beautiful home and tell DD that we'll get a lovely new home for us and I'll make sure that the number one criteria is that there are kids to play with and it is near her school

Good luck! xx

Sounds like you are doing well considering how soon this is! I can only echo other posts - you both should sit down with them together and answer any questions they have as honest as possible. Explain that you know they are hurting, that its not anything they have done, that you both still love them, and will continue to see both parents. There will be hard times coming for all of you but as best as you can try to keep them out of it, even if you feel like slagging him off, don't let it get the better of you.
Personally i would ensure that they do not have any encounters with your husbands girlfriend - it is far far too soon for that. Your husband would be wrong to expect it. That is way down the line. For now your husbands priorities should be to provide consistency, love and security for your children while you all work out what the next steps are

Thanks all for your advice, I will make sure they get chance to ask us any questions they have when we're both with them. I just know that now he's moved out twice I can't let them go through this again. We need to focus on them being as happy as possible now.

You sound really lovely and caring, I am sure you are doing a good job.

There is no point pretending it is not deeply unsettling for children when a relationship ends.

But I absolutely second everything others have said - you cannot be heavy handed enough with the 'it's nothing to do with you, it's not your fault, we both love you more than anything in the world'. Children will hold on to some very seemingly small and random events and decide that is what happened or why it is their fault. Maybe even say 'Even when you are naughty/tired and grumpy we still love you just the same' in case something like that is lurking in their heads.

I also would definitely not tell them about the other woman unless you really have to. They are too young imo to grasp the nuances of this - it's better to tell them if and when she becomes his partner.