Is this financial abuse? What to do? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

This is a complicated issue but I really want some wise mumsnetty advice on this. Apologies in advance as I think it might result in a drip feed and is a long story. Some of you may know problems I have with NSDH and this is one of them.

NSDH and I don?t share a bank account (this is my choice as he?s very controlling with money ? I get stressed enough when he goes through his statement every month with a fine toothcomb, every month without fail he finds an outgoing he swears is fake, stresses about it for a few minutes until he realizes it?s real.

Our house still needs a lot of work so any savings I have (which are few) go into an account so I can help pay for work (although my husband gets an annual bonus which usually pays for most work). We pay different bills and at the end of the month tally it all up and whoever owes the other more pays them the difference.

Stupidly in the run up to our wedding (3 yrs ago) I got carried away with making it the ?perfect day? and spent just over £2k on credit cards. I realized what a mistake that was and tried hard to pay them off, which I finally managed last summer.

Aside from normal bills, most of my money goes on DD ? I save money there by using second hand clothes & toys, am very savvy with cheap but nutritious meals and use cheap nappies during the day.

R.e. work ? I work full-time, as does NSDH and he earns about 2k more than I do. Luckily I have a steady job in a stable market but can?t increase incomings as I don?t get overtime. NSDH?s job however is far from stable. He?s been there for 2 ½ years and his job?s been ?at risk? since pretty much the minute he started. He works a 2hr train commute away (I pay a third of the cost) and has been for plenty of interviews for jobs nearer to home but hasn?t been successful. This instability at work makes him even more careful with money. He told me recently he has £3k in savings (I have none).

As far as leisure times goes ? I don?t go to the cinema, out for drinks, out for dinners or lunches, havn?t bought any new clothes since I got my maternity wear over a year ago. I had to buy a new pair of trainers as the ones I wear everyday collapsed- but I got a new pair of Reeboks for £10 so can?t complain there. I have a haircut once every year or so.

When DD was born he set up the benefit payments to go to his account (I asked him to do it as I was still a bit shell-shocked post partum as she came early). When I was on mat leave (I had 5 ½ months and most of it on reduced pay) I paid for everything for DD, milk, nappies, toys, clothes, etc. He didn?t buy anything unless I asked him specifically if I recall. As a result I had to up my overdraft to £2.4k just to stay afloat. It wasn?t until some months later I queried why he was getting the benefits money when I was paying for everything for DD ? he fudged his answer but basically he?d pocketed the lot. Since then he now splits it 50/50. I still buy for most of her needs but am more savvy now at splitting the cost.

This was my stupid fault but when I sat down at the beginning of the year and looked at my personal budget ? I wasn?t splitting all costs with him. Like I said, I was paying for about 90% of DD?s needs, for example. Now I have actually halved everything that should be halved and he?s angry as it means he gets less money from me a month. I explained to him why that was and he?s still not happy.

Everything financial is on his terms. Example ? last October we ripped out the bathroom and have been slowly putting it back together ? plastered, new boiler, new suite, tiling, with his bonus money from last year. I?m fed up with not having a shower or proper flooring but the work has ground to a halt. If I mention that we should get a shower (over the bath) he tells me to pay for it myself as he can?t afford it. He knows about my debts and as much as I would LOVE to be able to do it all myself I can?t afford it.

I think I?m being unreasonable by wanting the bathroom finished when I know I?m asking him to contribute. At the same time, I think he?s being unreasonable by having savings when I?m struggling to get out of debt.

He hangs his bonus money over me as ?proof? that he works harder than I do. I?ve said to him many times that if I got bonuses they?d go straight into the house. He says stuff to me like ?I?m warning you that my bonus won?t be big this year so don?t expect anything.? I feel like a leeching nag. . I?m also fed up of hearing that his job being at risk is a reason for not doing things when it?s been the case for nearly 3 years.

Since I started actually halving bills properly, my overdraft has gone down by £600 (in 4 months). I?m selling anything I can on Ebay or at NCT sales and think I?m making headway but it?s soooooooo slow. I don?t trust NSDH as far as money goes. I don?t think this system is working but I don?t want a joint account.

Any thoughts? Please be gentle.

I understand that you want to build up some savings before you leave him but if he's hit you that changes everything.

The reason it's so hard to build up your savings is exactly the reason he controls your access to the money - so you can't build them up and leave him.

There are other options though. Please call Women's Aid and talk it through with them.

Do you have a lot of studying time wise still to do? I think if i were you if it is not a long time, then just brave it out, unless he hits you again.

I still have a year of studying, and that hinges on me passing my exams. I am braving it out for now, but aware a lot can change in a year.

I'm in touch with a local DV group who have pointed me in the direction of a counsellor, I'm seeing them for the first time next week. Believe it or not I'm actually feeling positive for the first time in ages.

Hi Nini,

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I pay some of his travel costs because if he had to pay them all his wages wouldn't cover it. (again this is what he tells me, I've stupidly never checked)".

Apart from him likely lying to you over this matter he has likely not allowed you to verify this. You;re being truly taken for a ride here by him.

"I did go and look for the child benefit paperwork recently but couldn't find it - I'll ask him where it is and change it so I get the money. He did promise to set up a child account for DD when she was born but it's never happened. I'd like to set one up for her".

Doubt very much he will willingly given you that information; he regards that as his funds. Nothing to stop you setting up an account for her in your name re your DDs name.

"I need to speak to the mortgage people about changing the date our payments are paid, I've told him before that I don't think its true but he insisted it was, and lack of time has meant I havn't done anything further".

He has lied and continues to lie to you. He acts like this also because he can; he knows exactly what he is doing here and he enjoys seeing your discomfort.

"With other issues arising recently (he hit me a month ago so this is the least of our problems), right now I'm struggling to see us together in a year's time. I want to get out of debt and at least have something saved so if I need to get out altogether, I'll have a bit of money aside".

And now I read this abusive specimen has hit you as well; I had a nasty feeling that the financial control/abuse he metes out was the tip of a very large and very big iceberg. The financial abuse is only a small part of how he treats you and by turn your child generally; he gives not a toss about either of you. Did you report this assault to the police?.

Joint counselling is NEVER ever recommended when there is ongoing abuse; he would be several years work for the most forgiving of counsellors. I also doubt very much that counselling will work re him as he likely does not think he is doing anything wrong in the first place. Infact I doubt at all that he is actually attending any counselling sessions at all.

It will take you months on end to have "enough" money to flee, you need to get away from him far sooner than this and you need a plan of escape. The longer you stay within this, the worst it will become for you and your child. You are both victims here.

I asked you what you get out of this relationship now, I presume it is nothing,

Womens Aid can help you; you need to be brave and contact them asap.
I would also suggest you read Why does he do that? written by Lundy Bancroft as he writes about controlling men and how/why they operate. It could open your eyes.

Nini,

re your comment:-
"NSDH (I feel) is trying to hamper my studies which makes sense if he's just trying to control me".

This is yet another example of financial abuse:-
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

Please do not wait till next week to see this counsellor; speak to Womens Aid today. Abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world (this is in case you write that he is a supposed pillar of the community) but you need to speak out now.

Do your parents know that he abuses you?.

Sorry, back up there a minute, he hit you??

Some practical financial links

This DirectGov link will allow you to change the account into which your Child Benefit currently goes. You can get any Tax Credit payments transferred to your personal account by calling the Helpline

God you will feel so amazing if you rid yourself of someone who hits you and controls you to the point that you don't know which way is up and which way is down. You will be able to breathe again.

If in a year your earnings will double (or at least rise considerably) does the debt matter right now? How big is it? Are you paying out lots on it?

It doesn't matte rif he 'holds it over you'. Whatever he says will be crap. He'll find stuff to 'hold over you' whatever happens, not because you owe him, but because that's what abusive pricks do.

The sooner you get out the better, for your DD's sake more than anything, so if you have fairly secure prospects, don't let the debt hold you back - or at least, think realistically about the debt before you do.

First thing you can do to improve the debt situation though is to STOP paying his travel, and GET THE CB changed. He complains, you say 'You have savings, I am in debt, this is the way it will be or I will file for divorce and let a solicitor decide how our assets will be split.'

And then guess what - you file for divorce anyway.

Oh and please file a report with the police of the DV incident. You will need a record for the purposes of contact - just incase you think you might want the authorities to be aware of his treatment of you if there is disagreement about how and when he sees your DD.

Feel I should post a link to my previous topic on this here

But to answer a few questions:
Attila, you've confirmed exactly what I've been thinking these last few weeks. And no, I don't feel like I get much from the relationship, except another wage coming in (which is a terrible thing to say). My parents don't know as they live on the other side of the country and are divorcing so can't see anything but themselves (and they're both v selfish people anyway).

The incident was reported to the police, but I chose not to have him arrested. I did it so there would be a record as I suspect I may need it.

Cogito thanks for the links :)

Charlea interesting r.e. benefits if we split, didn't know that.

Sometimes I wish I had a rich relative I could beg/borrow money from!

Feel I should post a link to my previous topic on this here

But to answer a few questions:
Attila, you've confirmed exactly what I've been thinking these last few weeks. And no, I don't feel like I get much from the relationship, except another wage coming in (which is a terrible thing to say). My parents don't know as they live on the other side of the country and are divorcing so can't see anything but themselves (and they're both v selfish people anyway).

The incident was reported to the police, but I chose not to have him arrested. I did it so there would be a record as I suspect I may need it.

Cogito thanks for the links :)

Charlea interesting r.e. benefits if we split, didn't know that.

Sometimes I wish I had a rich relative I could beg/borrow money from!

Whoops double post!

Oh God, this is awful :( Sounds like you are finally realising what he's really like, though.

He's talking bollocks. Contact the mortgage compny and get them to send out a new direct debit mandate. Get an application for a joint account and contact cb and chnge the payment ac details. He is controlling you but your allowing it so make a stand and make some changes for you and your daughters benefit. X

Wow sorry I missed the hitting. Leave him, look at ehat you do for hom- u pay a third of hos travel pay for the majoriyy of your daughters stuff and he just abuses you. Your posts do t hve any live in thwm for him so are you thinking about this anyway? X

Ok just read your other thread.

You said at the end of that thread that he had one more chance.

He's at that chance right?

He's fucked it and it only took him a few weeks.

Why are you talking about 'if' we split?

Listen the financial control would be enough to end it...it is beneath contempt that he could have savings while his wife is struggling and in dept.

But the anger and the violence...just leave for Christ's sake. Stop joking about rich relatives and talking about his wage - just get your shit together and go.

I thought he sounded like a cunt way before i read about him hitting you.

Re the money, how can you live like that? Its so petty. Taking the child benefit and keeping the money is stealing. The bloke is a cunt!

Making you pay a third of his travel whilst he is saving money in the bank is well out of order. The bloke is a cunt!

Hitting you. The bloke is a cunt!

Further to my above post, I concur with PooPoo: HE'S A CUNT.

Stop paying for anything that benefits him eg his transport and food/clothes and put all your money into paying off your debts.

That "I pay some of his travel costs because if he had to pay them all his wages wouldn't cover it" has to be bullshit, if you think about it logically. It would mean it costs the household more for him to go to work than for him to sit at home earning nothing at all. Is that really the case? If it is, some serious rethinking of your household arrangements is called for. but I bet it isn't true

Have you ever seen one of his pay slips?

I was thinking that. Does he travel to work by private helicopter or in a chauffeured limo?

"I pay some of his travel costs because if he had to pay them all his wages wouldn't cover it"

Tough! This is a man who steals his child's money and doesn't pay towards his child leaving you to buy everything out of your own money second hand, whilst saving thousands of pounds in the bank.

If he is saving money then his wages not covering his travel is bullshit!

So in answer to your original question, yes this is financial abuse.

I can't quite explain how angry this man makes me, words don't do it

"I pay some of his travel costs because if he had to pay them all his wages wouldn't cover it"

Is the amount you have paid him more than the £3k he has in savings?

Having said that, I think this debate is largely academic, there already enough issues in this relationship to call time.

The one thing I would say is do work out your finances in detail and see if you can take the debt for another year. I am a slow and steady type and avoid debt and risk taking. DP is different, he got into a lot of debt to complete his PhD on the basis he would get it back with a higher paid job. I hated it, but he got a job straight away and (with me managing the finances!) 15 months in nearly £10k of debt has gone. Can you transfer credit card debt to an interest free credit card and pay off in ~12 months when you've had the salary increase?