I don't think DH deserves me.

[mmebovarycestmoi]

I don't think I can make him happy (or anyone happy, but let's stick to just one problem now).

I've been picking big fights, I think I want him to give up on me. It's not that I have no reason, he goes to sleep too late every night, and then spends the day knackered. He only does stuff in the house after I ask, ask again, remind him, and then he says he'll do it, but "in his own time" (he ends up doing things at 2am. WTF?).

We nearly don't have sex, partly because keeping a sex life after nearly 10 years is not easy, obviously, specially with a toddler at home, but partly because I'm not at all attracted to him the way he is now. He's been letting himself go, and although he's not absolutely gross, he's far, quite far from attractive.

He is fat, he doesn't exercise, all he wants to do on weekends and evenings is stay glued to the computer or TV. I appreciate he's tired and everything, but if he refuses to sleep properly, exercise or lose weight, I don't think his energy levels are likely to ever increase. He's having therapy (which he says is not helping much) but refuses to contemplate the possibility of having antidepressants, even if it's for a couple of months.

He says he's depressed, he doesn't like the life he's living now, he hates living in the UK (but doesn't do anything about moving).

I know it's up to him to decide if he's happy with me or not, but I don't want to live with someone who's that miserable. However I'm pregnant, I have a badly paid profession and I can't earn enough to support a family (and for the next year I won't be able to work at all, with a toddler and a small baby). So, it's not like I could just walk away (all relatives are overseas).

I'm feeling unhappy, I feel I just don't like him a lot of the time, and life together is a drag. I wish we would help each other feel better, not the other way round. I'm not that nice to live together, of course, I'm short tempered, stressed, I don't see anyone apart from a bit of small talk with other mums, which is hardly enriching. I wouldn't want to work full time and leave DS in childcare all day, but I wasn't cut to be a full time SAHM either, I find this life boring (however, there's no point looking for a part time job now, as I'll have to stop working in about 5 months).

I'm boring now, I'm very uninteresting company, I know all that. DH says I'm a negative person now, and he's right. (I would like to make other people's lives better, not worse, but I think it's never going to happen). I think I can't stand myself at the moment. I'm nor even being a good mum to DS - I can keep my patience and I don't take it out on him (I'm not that horrible) but I can't be bothered to take him to places, and we end up staying at home much more than would be right. I know part of it is caused by the pregnancy hormones (I felt quite down when pg with DS) but it feels rubbish just the same. (I won't take antidepressants during pregnancy as I've read a lot of research about it, and discussed with the doctors, and they all agree there is no guarantee it doesn't affect the baby. No one knows what are the exact consequences for the baby, so I don't want to risk it).

Blimey, that was long.

Oh sweetie, I didn't want to leave you hanging. I'm not sure you're asking for any help but have you thought about talking to someone professionally? Sounds like you're a bit down in the dumps and perhaps you can't see the way out.

Hugs in the meantime xxx

Sorry you're struggling, agree with queen, maybe some counselling (for you, not couples) would help. And continue to be honest with the health professionals about feeling down, they might have support to offer, now and after the birth.

Are these feelings fairly recent or have you had relationship problems for a while? Why is he depressed? How is he as a parent?

Do you still love him? Want to be with him to bring up the DC, or is what you really want to work towards leaving?

Could you think of ways, when the time is right, to change things, either together or alone, eg move nearer family, work towards getting a job, discussing the relationship.

Of the mums you make small-talk with, is there anyone you feel you could try to get to know a bit better?

Sorry, millions of questions! Ignore if you like.

Sympathy.

You're describing two people who are pretty incompatible. If you're down and negative about everything it could just as easily be because you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship with a lazy unattractive man, as it could be a clinical reason. Lots of people get bored staying home and childcare and a job is a total lifesaver. It's not for him to decide if you're 'good enough'... you've already outlined a few reasons why you could legitimately demand changes. Is he 'good enough' for you? If changes are required, counselling may be able to help.

So, you don't want to leave him because you can't afford it.

But you're picking "big fights" in the hope of what exactly?!

His happiness is not your responsibility. If you think your children should grow up with this man as a role model, then stay with him. If you don't, then it looks like it's time to get out to me. Which is what you're already doing in a passive aggressive manner by picking fights. So, why not skip out the next couple of years of awfulness and leave him now?

I noticed in your final paragraph "I'm a boring person now" and "I'm a negative person now". You don't sound like you're boring, but if you're putting loads of energy into trying to make your DH happy, then it's understandable that you don't have any left for anything else!

It's not up to him to decide if he's happy with you - it's also up to you to decide if you're happy with him. And if you're not - you have the right to do something about it, you don't have to wait for him to do something about it.

I don't think I'm spending all my energy trying to make DH happy. Although I spend more energy than I should worrying about his health/food/whatever, I believe ultimately I'm just trying to be a decent person.

Regardless of him, complaining a lot and being negative and micro managing other person is not a good thing anyway. And I do spend a lot of energy trying to change that. I can't just focus in myself and let other people be - my mum is the biggest micromanager in the world and I repeat a lot of what she does. Breaking this habit is hard (it always has and has nothing to do with DH).

He is not the best role model in the world (physically lazy - if this expression exists - disorganized at home, raised in a very patriarchal context and still carries a bit of it with him). But is good in lots of other ways (honest, patient, he is trying to change some things). And realistically speaking, I don't know many man who are much better - probably because no one is the perfect role model I would like to have for my children.

I think I'd like to be more independent. Just leave him to his DVDs and get on with my life, leaving him a lost of tasks - he would either feel left out and make an effort, or get even lazier. Then I could decide something as a grown up, mature woman - instead of fighting and fighting. But I just end up losing my cool and picking up a fight because he's so god damn slow!

(maybe I'm afraid that if I start detaching from him I'll just detach too much... I don't know.)

I feel very hurt that he doesn't make an effort about his appearance/health. I'm married, I can't have sex with anyone else, and he doesn't seem to care I can only have sex with a very unattractive man. I know losing weight is not easy - but he's not even trying! And you know those men to start worrying about their health after they have children, because they "want to see the children grow up"? Never happened here.

Recently FIL had to have an operation to put a few stents on his heart (or something like that). DH was worried about him, but didn't even remotely related it to himself. It doesn't compute that if he continues as he is, he'll be the one having health problems soon!

Trying to answer a few of the questions:

I think I love him. Some days I don't, some days I do. So, there's not much to work on there.

I asked for counselling. I've just had a couple of sessions with a ribbish CBT therapist, but hopefully now I'll have something better. However, I know that in order to improve things I need to get out of the house, exercise, have activities, etc. But I just don't feel like doing any of that, so everyday is a fucking struggle to get out of the house, to do something! And DH is working long hours, so I can't just book myself a weekly session of yoga, for example (and we're short of money). I need a routine and so on, but the point of the depression is that you don't want to do any of this!

He is an OK parent. His parents were never very affectionate, so it's hard for him to do something he's never experienced. He gets bored easily, but he is making an effort. If he and DS are just together, one of them will turn on the TV and watch it together (I think part is lazyness of DH, part is because DH doesn't know what to do). However if they have something to do together, things work better. DH bathes DS most nights, and since they can't watch TV or find other distraction, usually they play for a while during this time. In the rare times DH takes DS to playground, for example, I think they get along well.

The point is that sometimes I'm reasonably happy, and sometimes I'm not. And anyway, I was never very happy with anyone, I've always had big fight with all my boyfriends, and he was the only one who managed to "dismantle the bomb" so we could have some harmony. But now this is not enough. I think both of us are too tired/estressed to put a lot of energy into being nice to each other or trying to make things work (or improve). You know when you're already too stretched, so you don't have anything left?

I'm also working a few freelance jobs from home, and DS is a bad sleeper, so we almost don't have any free time. The house is always a mess, and I have a feeling that he sees his time off as more important than mine (his dad never did a single thing at home, and although they have a housekeeper, it's DH's mum who deald with all the domestic stuff. DH grew up thinking that the office is the place to work and house is the place to relax. Which it was, in fact, while he lived with his parents, but it's not anymore).

What I'm trying to say is that he is doing a lot of things wrong, but I'm also doing things wrong. And I really, really don't see it working any better with another man. (also, I think splitting to look for another one is setting myself to fail. I should be happy by myself, with or without a husband. And I'm not. So, it doesn't matter if I stay or if I go, really)

I think your quite self aware which is good.
I think your right that splitting/blaming your dh entirely won't leave you in a better place necessarily.
Maybe try couples counselling though. If you're going to manage to change your habits you probably need to do it together. It sounds like ideally this is what you'd want...both of you getting up and out at the weekends/free time not just you leaving DH at home and going out alone.
You need to let him know how you feel for you to get anywhere and offering to share the responsibility to change your lives/relationship to how you'd like it to be is a good way to do that rather than reading him a list of what he has been doing wrong (even if you think he deserves it) because nobody responds well to that.
I do think outside help is probably needed though....
Don't be hard on yourself, non-sleeping dc and pregnancy are really tough and emotional times.

Girlgonemild (love your nn), I agree with you, but as you can see, knowing what is wrong doesn't make it any easier to fix... We've had couples counselling. It helped, but not much.

We both have different styles, so it's nearly impossible for us to work "together" to improve things.

Anyway, thanks for all your answers, It helped me clarify (a little) my ideas. I still don't know exactly what to do, though. I feel I need some bigger change to change the patterns. But don't know exactly what.

I wasnt sure from your original post whether DH worked or not.Now I see that he works very long hours.That may explain his inactivity when he gets home, and doesnt do jobs until 2am.
I wouldnt normally say this, but I think most of your problems stem from your DH.
He is clearly unhappy,cant remember if you said that he says he feels depressed.He could still go to the doctor,even if he says at this point that he wont take ADs.They may suggest other things to help him?Or see things in a different light.
I couldnt work out from your posts if you and his relatives are all abroad?Or just his?
That is not going to help,particularly with another baby coming.
Would your lives both be better if you were abroad with your relatives for some support,perhaps going after the baby is born?
At the moment neither of you is happy.
Not sure if your DH is happy at his job either.
Maybe more questions than answers here.