Recently Married but in Love with Another Man

[geegee888]

I got married in September of last year, to my long time on/off (by my choice) boyfriend. I've never been madly in love with him but he's a very decent guy and time was marching on (I'm 38). The trouble is, I have another man in my life but it is almost entirely purely emotional. My getting married was an attempt to move on with my life and forget him but it hasn't worked and now I feel terribly troubled and unhappy and unsettled. (No DCs for anyone involved).

6 years ago I met a younger man (he's 31) when I was split up from DH. He's very shy, and so am I, but to a lesser extent. OM is shy to the point of being anti-social, and was (is?) very inexperienced with women. We had a few dates but I was never sure if he liked me or not, looking back now he did but lost confidence and gave up trying. I thought he wasn't interested and was being rejected. So I moved on with my life, particularly when I found this supposedly shy man listed on a dating site (really upset me). He's very handsome and many women give him attention in real life (known of three he has turned down), so I found the wanting to meet strangers off the internet a bit dodgy tbh.

OM always maintained he wanted to be friends, and simply won't let me disappear from his life (although my efforts at disappearing from his are sporadic at best too). In February, I went on holiday with two friends, a couple, and OM came along at the last minute. I don't like holidaying with DH as he does a sport obsessively and am left alone all day. OM and I got on brilliantly on holiday, he basically ran around after me, cooking my meals, driving me places, choosing restaurants, teaching me to play cards and table tennis, etc.. Lots of physical contact of an "innocent" nature. We just got on so well and I realised he had deep feelings for me. I also realised he is seriously lacking in self esteem and is a very gentle, calm sort of man. I thought the age gap was a problem to him but now I realise its not.

When we got back, he asked me out on a date by text. It was to go hillwalking together, and I said yes, half tempted but also thinking at least we could talk it over to clear the air. A day later he cancelled, in quite a nasty way ("Sorry forgot to reply. Not bothering with the hillwalking now"). I think its fair to say neither of us are the affair/cheating type.

Since then, things have been akward and I feel deeply unhappy/restless. Its a horrible way to be. I sent him a text saying I would have thought more of him as a man if he had been a bit braver in the past. I've only seen OM once since, in public with friends present for a few minutes, but since neither of us can be unkind to the other, it was ok, just about. So basically we're avoiding each other, in not so many words. I don't think OM wants to be responsible for breaking up my marriage.

The trouble is, I'm also avoiding DH. He works 150 miles away and I only see him at weekends, so I'm pretty lonely, but he is often busy with the sport and I don't see him every weekend, neither do I feeel like making the effort to see him. Sex life is non-existent - I used to make the effort but he is very tickly and complains I am hurting him (which at 52kg on my part, I find unlikely) which is just very off-putting. I don't even like being married, or the different way people treat me now.

I don't have any expectations of OM. He couldn't get it together while I was single, so why that should be different now, I cannot imagine. What I don't understand is his behaviour (which at times has been very odd) and whether he is a catalyst for something else in my life or the cause of my feelings of anxiety/restlessness (ie maybe I am very empathic with him and he somehow transmits his own social inadequacies through myself). Also can't bear the thought of him meeting another woman. Anyone ever experienced similar and what did you do?

Not going to get into the in and out's here but best thing to do for your husbands sake is to admit all and let him find someone who will love him before any children come along.

You need to get out of your marriage, its obviously not right for you. But if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath for the other guy either, he sounds like a player to me.

You need to get a divorce from your DH before you have children and make it all infinitely more complicated. Dragging him around behind you because "time was marching on" whilst you have your flirtation with your OM is, quite frankly, dispicable behaviour. Your DH deserves to be free to find someone he can be happy with as well as you. You say that your DH is a decent guy so do the decent thing by him at least.

As for your OM, the grass is always greener isn't it? You didn't get together when you were single but now that you're unavailable he suddenly finds you interesting? Not the behaviour of a decent man. Don't be surprised if he runs a mile once you leave your DH.

You've got two things going on here. You've got a marriage that's basically sinking in the quicksand AND you've got feelings for another man. The question is, are you only interested in the other man BECAUSE you marriage is failing, OR, are your feelings for the other man the reason for your marriage failing. Given your explanation I think it's the former.

Sounds like you married in haste out of fear of being alone, and now you're regretting your decision. Deal with that, and, for now, forget about the OM. IF you decide your marriage isn't salvageable, and you decide to divorce, than once all that dust has settled go and see if he is still available. If he isn't, it wasn't meant to be, if he is, go for it and see what happens.

The last thing you want to do is leave your marriage for this guy and it not pan out. You need to leave (or stay in) your marriage for you. Don't put all your hopes on this guy.

I wouldn't say OM is suddenly interested Squitten, he cancelled the date and doesn't bump into OP.
Op, yes, get out of the marriage - it really won't work! and tbh I don't think your H is that much into it, putting sport before seeing you at weekends (even though he's away at work all week), so that you only meet once in two weeks!
I do think OM may be just shy/unconfident. How many times did you meet before you got married? do you mean in several years you went just on a few dates (as you met him 6yrs ago)? Did he have a bad experience with his ex before that? I do think he's interested but conflicted, and upset that you got married. I dont know why didn't you talk to him before getting married, when he gave up trying? Are you of the school that a woman must never intiate any serious conversations about r-ships? in the case of shy people it can be neccessary. The only reason to to worry is if he wants to have a lot of chiuldren, and ecided that the age gap is too big for that - but you should get this out in the open! at least you'll know, and him running around you on holiday sheould make you quite confident.

DH doesn't want children, neither do I. In the past, I could almost envisage having children with someone else, but its not a major urge. I hope this doesn't make me sound cold, not everyone wants the same things.

I have never even kissed the OM. What I'm struggling to work out is whether he is a shy, innocent guy, or a player. If he was a player, why would he turn down several attractive women? But then why would he be on an internet dating site in the past or do ceroc dancing now? He's never had a girlfriend. I have little expectation of leaving DH for him. Its more that I have an urge to get him out of my system. I haven't been involved with a lot of different men and haven't really got a lot of experience.

DH is a decent guy but he is hard work. Very disorganised, would never book a restaurant to go out for a meal with me though he would manage to go to one in passing, cinema he can manage occasionally if I suggest it but he would honestly rather not. Most nights he doesn't get in til 9.30pm because he is training for his sport. When he's not doing that, he is "fixing his cars" and has dismantled exhausts and engines on his dining table (we have two houses as he works away, he lives in the bigger one and I live in a small house that was originally bought as a rental investment but is in the city where I work and where he also worked).

I have ideas of moving abroad to get away from it all. Am thinking of having counselling to make some sense of it all.

likeatonneofbricks

I met the OM through my own hobby, it has been going on like this for 6 years. I was with DH then and split up with him and then went on a couple of dates, but I think because my only experience with men was with DH recently, because OM didn't behave as him and backed off, I thought he wasn't interested. He tried to kiss me before we dated and I thought it better to make him wait until he asked me out, which he did. Then I think OM lost confidence and backed off himself. At times he behaved quite oddly, almost stalking behaviour (eg would turn up where I was, walk in front of me, ignoring me, do it again and then stomp off red in the face and angry looking).

So eventually I realised I would have to initiate it and twice I tried (asked him to kiss me on my birthday, he told me he only wanted to be friends) and tried holding his hand on a previous group holiday we were on - he seemed shocked and said he didn't want to give the wrong impression. The later he was nicer again and tried to ask me out but I was so hurt I wasn't having it. So I was totally rejected and humiliated and cannot understand why I still have feelings for him. Then he avoided me for about a year, changed his habits, and I'm certain it was a deliberate attempt on his part to forget about me.

It seems obvious that he isn't interested, but then he went on the holiday and later asked me out, but its like we're kind of stuck. He must like the attention he gets from me and I suspect, despite being shy, he does just enough to keep me interested. I don't particularly like men who proclaim to have a lot of female friends, and few male friends. It seems too much of an ego boost for them somehow.

Its difficult to explain just how shy he is. I would say approaching some kind of social avoidance disorder type thing and quite possibly mild Aspergers, but he can also suddenly be very forward.

OTOH when we are spending time together, its like a level of feeling I've never experienced for anyone else. Total happiness, and I feel much "softer" when I spend time with him. Likewise, I seem to have the effect on him of making him behave more masculine, although tbh I like the way he is and his "quirks".

Hi geegee

I have had a few almost relationships, each of which has caused me extreme unhappiness, led to nothing with the "man" in question and destroyed the relationship I was in, if I was in one at that time. From your description your situation sounds so similar. This may sounds silly but reading He's Just Not That Into You was a real turning point for me (the book is a must read, the film does not do the same job). I now firmly believe that if a man wants to be with you, he will find a way to tell you. No matter how shy he is, no matter how distant you make yourself, if he was into you you would know about it and not be married to someone else now. If the thought of you getting married to another man wasn't enough to get him out of his shell / off his arse, nothing ever will. To be fair you have said that in your post but I wonder if you waiver. I would highly reccommend that you read the book - it will give you strength and perspective.

By way of an anecdote, I was dating multiple guys (I read The Year of Yes and gave it a go) when I met my now DH and he was so perseverant despite me being frankly horrid to him sometimes that he wore me down in the end I don't mean that in a bad way, just that he knew there was something between us and wouldn't let it go till I'd given it a chance. The contrast between him and the many men I have had imaginary relationships with in the past is incredible. Please forget your OM and don't wish your life away.

FWIW I would give your marriage a chance once you have put OM totally out of you mind. Your true feelings are currently clouded and it you may realise the value of your DH when it's too late. You say that he's a very decent guy and there is a lot to be said for that. Although it sounds like some couples counselling would be an idea. I don't understand the sex bit from what you say. Me and DH went to Relate a few times when we were having sex problems before we got engaged and it totally sorted us out.

It might help to know that my last, and greatest, non-relationship, with a work friend led me to break up with my boyfriend of 4yrs although that would have happened at some point anyway. But I also realised that the non-relationship didn't exist, that he always gave me just enough attention to keep me hanging and I cut him out of my life completely. I deleted his number and never spoke to him again except if we bumped into each other at a social gathering. I still won't speak to him now because I realised he was a self-absorbed coward and not someone I want in my life as a friend or anything else. Your OM may be a catalyst revealing what you already know about your marriage but he may not be and you can't know while you are emotionally invested in someone else.

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh but your post brought back all those unhappy memories of yearning for something I couldn't have and turned out not to exist. I wish someone had talked some sense into me years ago. I wasted my early twenties like that and was very unhappy for a long time. My friends would always encourage me and try to make me feel better - He's Just Not That Into You deals with those encouraging friends too - it's a very enlightening read!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

could OM be gay and just enjoy female company rather than be interested in forming any intimate relationships with them?

get divorced. You don't love your husband, you don't seem to want to spend time with him, you don't want children with him - I'm at a total loss as to why you even convinced yourself that marrying him was a good idea. It would be a dopey idea if you were 19 but at 38 you really should have known better.

I'm confused about why you married because "time was marching on" when you don't want children

Anyway, thats a bit irrelevant. Divorce your DH and apologise to him. Then you are free to moon about OM all you like. Though in my experience based on his behaviour, he either really isn't that into you or he's gay.

Doesn't really matter why the other man is the way he is. You both had the chance to say you wanted to be together and didn't so that is that. You either need to sort your marriage or get out as I suspect your husband isn't happy either so no point you both being miserable. You get one life. Don't waste it.

I thought he was gay! I really did. After he refused to hold my hand on the previous holiday, I sent him a text saying I was "sorry I had upset him and he should have just said", he replied "Don't worry about it, its cool :) and I thought the smiley meant he was gay. And then he took up ballroom and ceroc dancing...And then because after I tried to hold his hand he was nicer to me again, and I thought it was because he was gay too...

So when I got married, I did actually think he was gay. A lot of mutual friends did too. But he never acted like a gay man towards me, so I thought perhaps he was just late in admitting it to himself. Then on holiday, he made a little speech about how certain things put off women, and he didn't want to put off women or for people to think he was gay. And that was the first time I actually realised for sure he wasn't gay, in February, on holiday.

VictoriaLondon thanks so much for your reply, so much of what you say is true (especially about your friends encouraging you). But I kind of feel I've done what everyone told me would make me happy, the marriage to a nice man, and I long to be single, and at peace. And to be able to date men and have fun. But I'm not sure what to do. I worry that society is very harsh on single women in their thirties and forties, and maybe I should appreciate DH more. Although my way of currently dealing with it is to lead seperate lives. Until this weekend, when he did make the effort to visit me for one day, and we managed to find a restaurant open at 8.30pm on a Sunday night when he arrived, I hadn't seen him for four and a half weeks.

I don't think him saying he wasn't bothering with the walk was particularly nasty tbh, I'm sorry but I think you questioning him being a man was very nasty.

You don't sound happy in your marriage, I think you should target those problems and try and work on your marriage or give it up before focussing on someone else, maybe you're thinking of the grass being greener IYSWIM because you're unhappy with dh.

Sorry my post sounds like I'm being mean but I'm really not trying to be.

Everyone has given you good advice: if your marriage isn't saveable, it isn't saveable, although this does raise the question of why you got married if he's obsessed with sport and you are mooning around over some guy whose not that interested.

The OM isn't interested, in 6 years he's made no decisive moves and you appear to be engaged in a game of chicken. I am not sure why you can't pick a nice, emotionally available man who genuinely wants to be with you and has time for you, you may want to explore this in counselling as you have a couple of duds to pick from at present.

I am single and 47 (never married) I can't say I find society particularly "harsh" to me on what way. I do have a 6 year old so I do a label of "mother" which is a bit different, but my closest friend is 48 and single (never married, doesn;t want children) and I doubt she'd feel particularly harshly judged either.

I am baffled that someone would rather live a life that makes them unhappy than run the risk the some anonymous person in "society" might think that they should be doing things differently.

He may not be gay, or he may not want to be gay but either way he really isn't that into you. Sorry (I am really.)

Maybe stop caring about what you think "society" thinks about you.

Society is hypocritical and judgmental, and always will be. It's what you think about you that matters.

You sound very young for 38.

You obviously don't really love your husband and it's probably fairer to you both if you sort that out with him. If you're not very happy with him then that's ok, you've made a mistake, but don't waste his time (and yours) if you don't really love him.

You say in your OP that you're in love with the OM, but I really don't think you are. You don't really seem to know him, or understand him. I wouldn't go there with him if I were you.

You need to figure out who you are and what you want. You don't have to marry/be with anyone if you don't want to.

Leave your dh-you dont love him. But listen carefully-THE OTHER MAN IS NOT THAT INTO YOU!!

I feel for you. It seems like you have 2 men in your life and neither of them are offering you very much. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they love and are loved and it seems like you really want that. It is so hard to walk away from a relationship when there is no big disaster but I think you really need to consider it. How does the idea of being in the same place in 10 years make you feel? I of all people know how hard it can be to be on your own so I am not saying it lightly but I just think you could be so much happier than you are now. Make yourself free, find the real you and then you can find someone who you deserve. Hugs x

Oooooh, lots of red flags here.

Gee? OM is a narcissist. 'Gentle and shy' etc when you live with it becomes passive aggressive. In fact, that text over the hillwalking? That's PA. As people have told you before, he is just not that into you.

And you only seem to be able to have relationships at arms length. You chose your H for a reason: possibly because he's not that into you.

Have you ever thought of going into therapy to explore these things? Therapy is not for losers, it is for brave people who want to put their demons to bed and LIVE.