Ex-PILs wanting to see DS

[MinnieSmith]

I'm in a bit of a quandary about this and wanted some advice - I've namechanged as some of this is quite recognisable.

I've been separated from my ex for over a year and we one DS (4) who he sees every other weekend.

Ex is a very angry person and is prone to falling out with people - most often his parents or brother. He once fell out with his brother for over a year. It's always his fault but he always sees himself as the victim and never apologises for anything.

This tends to happen every so often then it all gets sorted out (usually by the other person) then he's lovely for a while, but he's fallen out with ex-PILs yet again and they feel very upset about it and have decided they're not contacting him again. In their passive aggressive way they haven't actually told him this, nor the reasons why they've decided to do this, which is a shame as the only person he ever listens to is ex-FIL but ex-FIL avoids confrontation at all costs so will just clam up and not talk to him.

Ex-PILs have been abroad for a few months and in this time ex moved and didn't inform them, nor has he contacted them about seeing DS when they came home. They have always had a good relationship with DS and when we were together would see him several times a year (they don't live nearby).

I don't want to know about all this and certainly don't want to get involved in their arguments. BUT, ex-MIL has phoned me wanting to arrange to come and see DS when he is with me. Before they fell out they would always arrange to see him when he was with ex.

I don't want to stop them seeing him and I don't think it's fair on DS not to see them. But what should I do? Should I tell them they have to inform ex first before we can make an arrangement? Or should I tell ex that they've contacted me to do this? Or something else?

No need to contact him. It's your 'time' with ds so up to you!

Ds will likely tell him when he see's him.

Hmm.

Strictly speaking, you have no reason to know that they have fallen out with ex, that's between them and him. So, as you're happy for them to see your ds and your ds to see them, I would allow it but make clear to them you are not getting involved in any dispute between him and them. Is it remotely possible he actually doesn't want them to see his ds?

As there is every chance ds will tell his dad he has seen his grandparents, it makes a lot more sense for him to know they are going to be visiting. Up to them, then, to sort out why this is happening and blah blah blah. All you are doing is facilitating a visit between your ds and his grandparents. So I would let them know if they don't tell your ex they are visiting, you will do so in order for this not to come from your ds. But that is the limit if your involvement in their dispute, you do not wish to know any more about it.

Yes, but if DS tells him I know who that anger will be directed at next and he can be a vengeful fucker.

If you have any reason to suppose it is going to adversely affect either your ex's relationship with ds or his co-parenting one with you, I would step away. Your ds absolutely cannot be expected to keep secrets - if they visit, your ex has to know about it.

Sorry, x-posted.

I don't think there would be any reason he doesn't want them to see DS other than as a punishment. Yes, I think you're right. I can feel myself getting suckered into it and I really don't want to get involved.

No, I wouldn't ever ask DS to keep secrets which is why I agree ex has to know about it.

I just don't want to be piggy in the middle. I will ask them to tell him and if they refuse I will have to tell him myself.

There is a possiility I will get flamed for this, but here goes, who you choose to have in or out of yoour DS's life while he is with you, is your business and not your ex's.

If he has had a petty fall out with his parents and they waant to see your DS and you have no issues regarding them doing so (other than the ex) then do it. Your DS deserves to have a relationship with his grandparents.

My DD goes to see her grandparents in the holidays, if my ex and his parents have fallen out its their problem, not my DD's.

NAICE - totally agree. But the OP is quite right that if the ex will react badly to finding out via her ds, she has to make sure that can't happen for her ds' sake.

If you decide to go ahead, I would just inform your Ex that PIL are going to visit ds. If he not positive about it, just calmly inform him you do not want to be involved in any way with his relationship with his parents, this is for the benefit of dc who misses them, and dc comes first. You are just facilitating contact.

I am the conduit for the dcs speaking and seeing my exILs on a regular basis and as a result we get on really well. What exH relationship is like with them is entirely their affair.

Thanks, I think I do need to tell him for DS's sake - just hate having to tell him anything as he's such a drama queen.

Think maybe I will put it in writing. I've had enough of his ranting recently so really don't want to speak to him.