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Original poster

Is this right or wrong?

47 replies

Pinklaydee1972 · 21/05/2012 17:45

Joined a dating website six months ago. Am 5 weeks pregnant (father not in picture- his choice). Well Im getting on well with a guy n he wants to take me out. should I go? Is this a good idea? N when should I tell him?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 21/05/2012 18:26

so why on earth are you on a dating site after 5 weeks ago being with someone else and now pg?

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 21/05/2012 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiositykitten · 21/05/2012 18:27

So you found out you were pregnant basically before the spunk even dried, then waited a whole week before jumping back on the dating bandwagon?

You could get yourself into some very dangerous situations. Please be careful.

izzyizin · 21/05/2012 18:29

Did you meet the sperm donor father on the net?

You've only just discovered you're pg, the father's 'not in the picture', and your reaction is to go on a date with another man?

PooPooInMyToes · 21/05/2012 18:48

There's some judgmental ones on here!

Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 21/05/2012 18:57

As I said known the father years, didn't think he would dump me but he has. I would have made a go of it with him but he chose not to.

I am back on the site because I received a message last week!! Forgive me for feeling a little lonely!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 21/05/2012 18:58

Yes poopoo there is Sad

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 21/05/2012 19:03

I think that some answers may come across as quite judgy but -

From what I've read (which is not the whole and nuanced story) OP has had a short fling with a married man, is pregnant, and is actively looking for a relationship. OP says she can only offer friendship - most men on dating websites are indeed there for dating.

I would echo the concerns of preious posters only because threre seems to be behaviour and circumstance that puts OP in quite a vulnerable positon at a time when things are changing very rapidly. I also agree that many men that would seek to have a 'friendship' relationship with a pregnant woman are generally not the best to get involved with, although that is rather a blanket statement. I mostly think this because most people feel it unwise to have a baby with someone you don't really know. In this case you would be in the early stages of a relationship and have a new baby that is not the partners.
The concern for me is that this is a situation that needs very aware handling and the OP has come across quite naively in terms of expectation. That's as I see it.

As to the OP - no I wouldn't do it but you know yourself and therefore if you want to go ahead then be upfront straight away as it will save you some time and may well help you filter out people that want more than you can give.

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 19:07

With all due respect you got pregnant to a married man, you say he has gone back to his wife. So separated whatever still married. You are on your own. I think any normal man will run a mile sorry. It's a big ask for a man to take on someone else's children. Many decent men do it every day.

However......I think it's a different kettle of fish to actually be so recently pregnant. You are in quite a messy situation for one. It's so recent. You don't know of the pregnancy is going to be ok. Them you have the whole intimate relationship when another mans child is so obviously present. There are many men in their 40s who are not going to want to do the whole hospital, labour ward, nappies, sleepless nights again. Whether you expect it or not, that is what they will see.

I've known two people start relationships when pregnant, both turned out to be abusers who "took" them on as they were vulnerable.

You want a friend, why are you on a dating site? Try another forum, a club, class, anything. To most men this will just scream desperation, need a daddy before baby. Sorry.

Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 21/05/2012 19:09

Thanks nicnoc ur post is not judgemental just a woman giving advice which is all I asked for really.

Have took ll these comments on board. Have told the guy and he seems ok with it and also ok that I just want a friendship at the mo.... I guess I need to think long and hard really

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 21/05/2012 19:13

I've been on dating site for a few months, when was seeing father of baby it was all over so quick I didn't even delete my profile!

OP posts:
NicNocJnr · 21/05/2012 19:37

In which case maybe just go in with your guards up.
I'm not saying this is a terribly scary guy and you must run a mile - there could be men looking for the ready made family but this is rare and still a sticky wicket- however it never hurts to keep assessing things with a dispassionate eye just to make sure there is nothing that slipped by in the heat of the moment that you should have taken notice of. I'm glad you didn't feel I was getting at you, that wasn't my intention.

The only other thing I would mention which is of a more practical nature- while I was pregnant I spent 80% of the time wanting to move out because DH was such a horrendous arsehole. Which of course was totally not the case but you will be looking for something very different now than you do in a few months time - you can't help it there's a fuckton of hormones that will colour your judgement somewhat. If you were me I couldn't help but worry that the relationship would turn sour very quickly as your needs changed from the big ol' hunter gatherer, tarzan type to maybe a more protector, homebody type as you have your baby (I know this seems stereotypical but it's the best way I can express what I mean) because your priorities will change, his won't necessarily.
Many women with longterm partners actually have the same issues and end up going it alone. This would be something I would think about.
Not that I'm implying you are some hormone ravaged nutcase that was just me

ivykaty44 · 21/05/2012 19:52

It is one thing to be lonely - but you would be better to find friends and surround yourself with good friends now rather than looking for a boyfriend.

The reason being you have unfortunately a lot of baggage, whether you like it or not it is baggage and some men will stick around and see what they can get and then decide the baggage part is not worth it and thus you will not only be lonely but also hurt and sad and lonely.

Better to be lonely and build yourself a secure life now and then look for a relationship if you want one.

Proudnscary · 21/05/2012 20:10

Well Poo Poo/OP, everything I said in my earlier post I stand by, but yes I admit that I am also just being judgmental. I don't understand you thinking about dating right now. I think you have your priorities wrong. Look after yourself and the baby, get through the vulnerable first three or four months, then make plans for having the baby. Then, maybe, think about dating.

Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 21/05/2012 21:23

Thanks everyone, nicnoc ur post makes a lot of sense. To be honest all the posts make sense to me now and even the less sensitive ones have made me realise yes I do need to sort my priorities out now! I have a loving supportive family and two loving kids so why would I need a man!! Thanks

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 21/05/2012 21:26

Hey good for you missus, and loving the way you've taken the 'less sensitive' comments from stern old bats like me on the chin! x

NicNocJnr · 21/05/2012 21:28

Also - congratulations on your pregnancy! In a few months time you will be far too busty anyway with your current two and a new one, even with your great family a brand new one is always more addling than one remembers I find!

NicNocJnr · 21/05/2012 21:29

Busty!! Omg so sorry Pinklaydee Blush
I meant busy, obviously!

scottishmummy · 21/05/2012 21:34

concentrate on pg and your health
and no more shagging married men. stick to the single guys
not sure why you're soon keen to date soon

Proudnscary · 21/05/2012 22:21

Nicnoc - PMSL!

Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 22/05/2012 07:39

Scottishmummy they had split up and he did tell me they were not getting back! I know him and had no reason not to believe him!

Nicnoc Grin yes I agree totally

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklaydee1972 · 22/05/2012 07:41

Proud- some wise if a little harsh ladies on here , which is why I posted and glad I did

OP posts:
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