Upset with my Mother (sorry long) - first born grandchild scenario.

[ClareL]

I am really upset with my mum (again). She has always had a preference for her first born grandchild which is my sisters. I have never begrudged her the attention or given my sister any upset for the way she treats my sisters 2 children to the way she treats mine. My sister has the oldest Grandchild who is 8 and No. 3 Grandchild who is 4. I have No. 2. who is 6 and No. 9 who is 2 - way down the pecking order for attention. Ever since my No. 1 grandchild has been born my mum has had them regularly for sleepovers from a matter of being a few weeks old. She now has both of my sisters children regularly at weekends for sleepovers - my daughter is 6 and has slept at my mums once!! My sister has been with her partner for 10 years and they have recently split so obviously wants to get out and about a bit more and my mum is looking after her children every weekend - whereas when I asked her to have mine for a night so that I could go away for my birthday she said no. My MIL/FIL have always been fantastic at looking after our children for the day but are both in the late 60's/early 70's - so it's really hard work for them and have never wanted to do a night shift - but doesn't bother me as they are so fantastic at other times. But feel totally hurt by my own mum as she obviously prefers my sisters children to mine - as she wants to spend more time with them and doesn't seem to careless about mine. My DD has asked me why her nanny loves the other 2 children more than her and I have told my mum that - but she doesn't seem to realise that she is hurting my DD. Was looking after my nieces yesterday and my mum had to come and pick them up from me as she had them for the night so my sister could go out - and she doesn't seem to care that my DD had been playing with them all day and now they are going to nannies and she's not. My mum has never been one for confrontation and I have never been able to talk to her about it. Does anybody else get this with their mothers and the first born grandchild.

I have my mum and dads only 3 grand children and the only time she has ever had my ds (6) was on my weding night, she has never had the other 2 at all. I know this doesn't really help you much, but thought it might help to have another oppinion to add. I used to get really upset about my mum but have come to the decision, that it is her that is missing out and not my children. I t must be difficult for you to have the thought that she will have the others but not yours, but the more it upsets you, the more your daughter will pick up on this and get upset as well. My ds will ask me why his friends stay at their grandparents and he doeasn't but I just tell him that we would miss him to much while secretely thinking how much I would love a night out with dh without worrying about getting up the morning.

Sorry I can't offer advice, if you have already talked to her and she is ignoring the situation, then I don't see what else you can do, sorry.

Clare
my family is absolutely dreadful for this sort of favouritism, which has been practised both by my parents and my grandparents.

I think this should be tackled, because I bet your children are aware that they are second rate with their grandma, and that isnt good for their self esteem. When we were little, my mother would let anyone walk over us, and any snub or slight from a relative or anyone else was tolerated, because she couldnt be bothered to stand up for her children. I grew up with very low self esteem, which I put down partly to this. Fortunately, dx helped me to recognise when people were treating me badly, and gave me loads of advice on how to stand up for myself.

on a practical level, after a certain point, I just refused any action or comment that I found unfair.
Things went to ridiculous lengths, such as delving in the towel drawer and bringing out 2 old, worn towels for my children, or putting an ancient motheaten blanket around them in the car when shes got cupboards full of nice ones.

Hi Clare, yes, it sounds completely unfair, and you and your kids have every right to be annoyed. She sounds not very nice tbh-why behave like that towards a child ffs!

But my grandma was like that. She favoured boys and she favoured her grandchildren who lived close by. Can't honestly say it bothered me in the long run, though I did notice it.

But Nightnight is absolutely right, you must protect your children here, and stand up against any actual slights/attacks etc. And don't protect her too much when explaining to your children why she behaves like this. They need to know that she is bwhaving unacceptably.

My daughters are my mum's first grandchildren, but she definitely favours my younger brother's children (also girls). I thought it was me just being paranoid, but my own girls asked me about it when they were younger ... "why does grandma prefer X and Y to us?" Unfortunately, I never had what I thought was an acceptable answer for them. We made light of it, and pointed out that dh's parents idolised them, which my dds loved.

It isn't much consolation, Clare, but now that my girls are much much older, we treat it as a bit of a joke (even though it isn't really very funny).

I also wouldn't tackle my mum about it, I know she would have a perfectly acceptable explanation. She still talks about my "false memory" with things that I have apparently made up from my childhood, so I don't stand a chance really!

Thanks for your opinions. It is one of them situations where I honestly don't think she thinks she is doing anything wrong. My mum was telling me the other day how her sister (my aunt) has fallen out with her own son - because he felt that his family had always been showed less favouritism than his sisters family. My mum blatantly said that her sister had always preferred her daughter to her son and felt sorry for the son. My mum obviously doesn't realise that she is doing exactly the same thing.

Filyjonk - my grandma was very similar to that. She remarried and always had a preference for her and her new husbands own grandchild rather than her first husbands grandchildren - being us!! I can honestly say that didn't bother me at all and am definitely not scarred by it. I had another grandma who was potless but loved us all the same. Even though she saw her grandchildren more regularly that lived closer she never treated us any different.

I find it harder because my dad died 11 years ago and even tho my mum and dad were separated - he always treated us equally. He has never seen any of his grandchildren and I know he would be a brill grandfather. I think that makes it hurt even more.

Luckily I have my in-laws. They are brill and love our children unconditionally. The way you should.