5 wo baby and 'relationship' in tatters

[ownworstenemy]

I don't know where to start with this, I don't want to drip feed so I'll say as much as I possibly can about the issues here and await your collective wisdom.
I have a 5 week old baby with dp. I also have a 7 yo dd who doesn't see her father (due to his complete lack of interest) and have been on my own the whole time before I met my current dp. We've been together fro 2 years , baby was completely unplanned, a massive shock and at first completely unwanted by dp. We both came around to the idea and he was actually incredibly supportive during the pregnancy. But it gets more complicated. We don't live together and it's becoming a real issue.

He had to move back in with his parents several years ago to pay off his debts (student debt and credit card debt due to stupid spending by his own admission. We're not talking a lot anymore, ha has maybe £1000 left to pay off and will be cleared in a few months according to him). At home his mother does everything for him. She is a lovely woman, she really is, but it makes me a bit that at 32 years of age his mum still washes and puts away his laundry, changes his bed and cooks for him. He takes it completely for granted and it makes me worry that he'll expect the same from me and I'll equally get no thanks. His debts have been the reason he's not moveds in before (his reason, not mine)

On the other hand, I've become far too accustomed to living on my own and being independant. It's proved enormously difficult for me to have him around all the time and tbh it's been a blessed relief to have him go back to work after his paternity leave and get back to my routine. But that's a massive problem isn't it? I should want him to live here with us and us all to be a family. I've ended up sending him home every night and going days without seeing him, so he could get some sleep for work. That's what I've been telling myself anyway. dd is still so small and I cosleep with her just as I did with dd1. He seems to think I'm deliberately pushing him away by havign her in bed, when the reality is that I'm bfing her almost constantly (now in fact!) and the only way I'll get any sleep is to have her next to me. Apparently his friends with dc (of which he has one ) think dd is quite old enough to be in her own cot.

So now we have a kind of horrible impasse. I don't want him to move in uinless I am absolutely sure this is going to last. I don't want my eldest to see him move in and then have us break up and him leave. On the other hand, I do feel that he's being overly critical of me and the way I choose to parent, and is frankly being a bit of a spoiled brat about a lot of things. He was absolutely awfuol to me 2 days postnatal when I was crying for no real reason, yellign at me that he couldn't understand why I was upset because I never told him anything. if I'm honest, I'm finding that one incident difficult to get over. It's like he just doesn't understand me, or the reality of having a young baby at all. He gets frustrated that I don't 'make time' to have lunch every day. He doesn't understand what a clingy baby actually entails.

But now he's said he's fed up of having a relationship from a distance, and he has a point. It must be horrible to be sent away every night. I really did have his best interests at heart at first, it started when I had terrible pregnancy insomnia and the need to pee about 10 times a night and he was saying how tired he was getting at work. But now I feel it's just easier not to have him here. I know I am massively set in my ways. My family all think the sun shines out of him for 'taking on' me and dd, like I'm some kind of lost cause. I also feel I'm not giving things enough of a chance and it's actually pretty awful of me to try and shut him out. But I don't know if the problem is with the relationship or with me. I've had to do everything myself for so long that I just don't know how else to be and to let anyone else in (even someone I've just had a baby with fgs) feels like such a risk. Everyone is telling me to let him move in and see how it goes. I can see that there's little risk in a 'trial' so why am I so bloody reluctant still? I feel like I'm not giving us a chance to be a real family and I'm terrified that I'll hate myself for that in years to come.

If you hadn't got pregnant by him, do you think this relationship would've lasted?

I don't know juneau, so much of the pressure I'm feeling is that maybe we're moving too fast than I'm comfortable with. Everyone wants us to move in together (and I totally get why, it's a bizarre set up frankly) and that obviously is because of the baby. I still love him (I think) but I hadn't realised I suppose just the extent to which parenting is natural to me, having done it all before, and that it would make it very hard for me to share the load with him. I think he does feel a bit left out in so far as while I'm breastfeeding there's little he can do (when he gets time with the baby he hands her back pretty sharpish if she gets fussy as she 'must' need a feed. It's getting a bit wearing tbh.)

This is all a lot to deal with when you are very hormonal.

Stop for a moment and think how your relationship was pre-pregnancy, if it wasn't that good and you didn't want him living with you well there's your answer.

To have all the "adjustment" of him moving in with you while you are coping with a small baby is too much.
Re-consider it when his debt is paid off, you and the dd's will be more settled into a routine and it will be easier to contemplate.

Go easy on him for the time being, if your relationship was pre pregnancy a good one, and just give it time and stop worrying unecessarily.

But am I hormonal?? I don't know if I'm comfortable with that as an excuse really. The birth was a good one and I felt 'normal' again very soon afterwards (days, if not hours tbh.) I know hormones will be settling down but how long can I really use that as an excuse? If anything, the adjustment for me has been minimal, unless I'm just incomplete denial. Dd has slotted right in, I'm not depressed, though tbh this is getting me down the last few days but only because I've been happily ignoring it and now it's been laid down by dp. It's pretty much let him mvoe in or quits as far as I understand his position. I do think I'll say to him to let things settle for me for a bit and then reconsider. But I do fear the longer I keep him away and 'outside' the family the worse it'll get. I can cope fine without him, because that's how I've learned to be, but in many ways I wish i weren't so damn stubborn.

I think I would let the dust settle for a bit and see how you feel then i.e. he finishes paying off his debts and you and your two DDs continue to live as you are. There really isn't any rush for him to move in if you don't feel like you need him there, and if you don't want him there either I think it would be very stressful to start your living together under such strained circumstances.

Those first weeks with a newborn are like an altered reality without any extra drama. You're no doubt exhausted and don't have a lot of head space for a huge transition at the moment. If it was me I think I'd tell him this just isn't good timing and you'd like to take it slower. If the pregnancy was a complete surprise and him moving in is just because of your new baby I think you're justified in not wanting to rush things. Actually, I don't think you ever do anything you're not truly comfortable with - particularly where children and their feelings and sense of security are concerned.

P.S. I also think that before he moves in (if he moves in), you need to have a chat with him about his expectations regarding housekeeping. Men, IME, are lazy at the best of times (I realise this a massive generalisation, but I'm talking about the men in my family and those I've had relationships with), so it's better to spell out what he will be responsible for so there aren't any misunderstandings.

Thanks. I think I'll just have to tell him to give things time and not to expect everything to change overnight, we've deliberately taken things slowly for dd1's benefit, i completely agree that keeping things stable for her is the most important thing.

God I hate that idea - that a man who "takes on" a woman and her child/ren should somehow be applauded for it

If I were single, and a man came into my life who in any way gave the impression he was bestowing some sort of favour by "taking me on", and/or anyone implied the same, I'd be making it very clear, very quickly, that on the contrary - he's INCREDIBLY lucky to be allowed into my and my children's lives!

"Taking on" - hurrumph

I agree Kate, I bloody hate the sentiment too. I've not heard from him all day and it makes me sad :( So that's something I suppose, I guess if I truly wasn't bothered that'd be worse.

Straight off the bat, he has qualities that I wouldn't accept from someone in a relationship, eg bad with money, mummy's boy etc, but I'm not you and maybe there are deeper feelings there for you.

I agree with juneau though that you shouldn't do anything now, in fact not for the next six months at least. I also think you should tell him there are things you're not happy about, ie what he'll be like with your joint finances, that he'll be expecting you to be a replacement mum etc. In fact, it would be better if he got his own independence for a while before he moved in with you.

Sorry I can't sound more convincing about this because I know I wouldn't be taking him in, but just take your time and do a lot of thinking.

helltotheno (Love the name) the thing is, these were issues for me right at the beginning of the relationship. I honestly thought long and hard about his debt and his living at home as they were things that tbh didn';t bode well for me. But again, people were telling me he was fab to get involved with me anyway and I'm by no means perfect so I stayed.
The money situation I know is a historic one if that makes sense. He was stupid with his money at university, buried his head for a bit to let thigns get to where they did. He is only months away from being debt free as far as I understand.
The mummys boy thing is more difficult because I know it riles him when I bring it up. He'll say 'but I've lived on my own, I am capable'. Well yes dear, but your mother still folds your underwear and puts it back in the drawer. I can see how easily he's allowed it to happen, his mum is a busybody (a lovely one, she'd do anything for anyone) but I think he just lets her do it because essentially, yes, he is lazy. Several times at the beginnign of the relationship when I'd first allowed him to meet dd he actually planned our outings to happen after his mum had cooked him lunch. I soon nipped that one in the bud. He says it's easier and cheaper for them all to eat together which I can't argue with I suppose. But it bothers me nonetheless. I suppose because I've got no family here and certainly wouldn't ever expect them to do what they do for him. Maybe that's an issue too. I'm not sure my family is normal in that respect, it'#s very much every man for himself. Maybe I should be grateful that his mum actually cares.