WWYD about SIL and MIL?

[MiseryBusiness]

Yesterday my DH sent his sister a message asking if she is ok. Haven't spoken to her for about 4 weeks but thats not unusual with my DH and his family. He is away with work a lot and to be honest he isnt a big 'talker' so he just likes to call/email every month to make sure everyone is ok.

His sister initially chats with him and then out of the blue sends him a message saying how terribly upset MIL is that he doesn't call her enough and that he seems to prefer FIL's side of the family to MIL side. Then SIL said how she doesn't think DH has been a very good brother to her since he met me (5yrs ago) and that she knows he has gotten married and had children over the last few years but she wants her old relationship with her brother back.

DH tried to ask her what she means by this. We spoke about it and he said he doesn't think their relationship has changed. All he could think of was that they used to go out for drinks/nights out with mutual friends when he was single but nothing more. She just said she shouldn't have to tell him he should know.

DH got pissed off and just said it was SIL attention seeking (has a history of making drama where there is none) but I felt bad for her so I tried to talk to her to work things out and she went mad. Started saying that the conversations she has with DH should be private, its a brother/sister thing, none of my business and she would like some private time with DH whenever we're back 'home' (we dont live in the same town anymore due to DH work) I sort of think it is my business when she has said that it is since he met me, that in some way i've done something to keep them apart. I dont want to be part of their relationship but to accuse me of being the reason they're not 'close' anymore and then saying I have no right to defend that isn't right imo.

So DH phoned MIL to explain that if he doesn't call it's not because he doesn't care it's just that he is busy and if she wants she can phone him (she never does this) and MIL basically said that she doesnt like to say anything to DH about not phoning/upsetting SIL just incase we withold our DC's from them. This is so offensive to me, that they think so little of us that MIL would assume I'd use my DC as a weapon in an arguement. MIL said she's not actaully that bothered about him phoning more but she does think he should make more effort with SIL.

DH doesn't want to make more effort with SIL. DH thinks she is just trying to cause trouble.

I feel really hurt by all this. I cant believe MIL thinks so little of us both, I really thought we had a better relationship than that. I dont know what to think about SIL. In all her messages yesterday she kept bringing me up, like I was to blame for DH and SIL lack of relationship but DH kept asking what she thought was wrong/missing but she wouldn't say. Was just being evasive like ''you should know, shouldn't you?''.

I dont think I can be the same with them both now. I actually thought I was friends with both of them but it seems they have problems with me.

Thanks if you've made it this far

So WWYD? DH says I should tell them both they've hurt my feelings but I think that would just be causing more trouble? Should I just ignore it?

'Dont tell SIL as she will take it the wrong way.'

• I would suggest that one point your DH raises very firmly when he talks to her is that no, he has NO intention of going behind your back to meet up with her - in fact, he has shown you her messages and you are both disappointed and very irritated. And the reason for that is - there should be absolutely no need. If she were a good, supportive sister, there would be no need whatsoever and it would never have been suggested.

She is a part of the family he has created - aunt to his children, SIL to you. If she is stupid enough to see that situation as 'losing' a brother rather than 'gaining' a whole new arm to her family, that is immensely childish, silly, immature, attention seeking.

And silly, selfish, attention seeking people aren't really the ones you want to hang out with. So maybe she should look to that as the explanation for her 'losing' her bwuvva rather than blaming you...

I feel a bit sorry for SIL, sounds like she has some problems and wishes she was closer to her older brother. Sounds like your DH has been away with the forces for many years ( since she was a young teen?) and then got married, had DC, and that he didn't and still doesn't want to see her / speak to her very much.

She might be grieving the relationship she wanted with him in a weird way. To her it probably felt / feels like rejection.

Her behaviour is totally out of order, and it has nothing to do with you, but sounds like she's struggling. And tbh your DH should face up to his part in things.

dozer You might be right, but SIL has also got to realise that she is pushing her DB further away with this behaviour.... if he gives her an inch she'll take a mile at this point from the sounds of it.

I think he needs to try and be fair (i.e. see her at least occasionally, as she's crying out for attention) but firm about not increasing the frequency of visits/whatever when she inevitably demands more. She'll respond like a spoilt toddler if he gives in, which is why he can't (even if she does merit a tiny bit of sympathy).

See what you mean herrena.

The DH sounds detached and cold re his family. They may be total PITA / toxic and he can't help wanting to be aloof, or he may be part of the problem, hard to tell from the OP.

Well DH text her last night basically saying that he does really want to meet her and spend some time with her but it shouldn't be behind my back and doesn't need to be because he thinks their relationship is fine and doesn't want to discuss it further.

She did write back with lots of, ''I'm not asking too much, am i?'' and ''WHY are you being this way'' then just slagged me off again.

Dozer - DH and SIL have a very good relationship. We have always lived about 300 miles away from her and now in a different country but he always phones about once a month and text/facebook at least every other week. When he is away with work I always phone/text. We used to pay for her to get the train down to us. We normally see her at least 7 or more times a year and normally for the whole weekend or sometimes longer. Since we've moved country we've already paid to fly her out here once. They do go out for drinks/nights out with mutual friends whenever we are 'home'. We help her financially if she really needs it. We make more time for SIL than my siblings and parents and MIL and FIL because if we dont she does get stroppy. I think she has just upped her game since we moved abroad because we're not going 'home' as often.

The only reason it had been so long since he'd contacted her this last month is because he's been away for work for the last 2 weeks so he has been really busy.

Thing is, it doesn't work both ways. DH spent 7 1/2 months on tour last year and she sent him 1 letter. It's very much a one way relationship. She is just to selfish to realise it.

Hopefully we can draw a line under this outburst and move on.

My sympathy for SIL is vanishing with the new info!

I sympathize greatly my sil is same even though we have 8 week old dd. Can't stand it that Dh is no longer at her beck and call and they work in same office lift share!

Oh my god, are you ME?

IME, you draw a line under it and move on. Then you do it the next time, the time after that....

Then you just think oh feck off will you and spend christmas together instead of at mils.

SugarPasteGiraffe - I know. That's what I said he should say. His Mum was the same. Only sent him one letter at the begining but he just says people have their own lives to be getting on with. He understands that writing letters isn't the top of everyone's to do list. As long as he got them from me and DC's he was very happy.

MIL phoned last night to ask what was going on (I suspect she already knows) and DH just said nothing and he didn't understand why SIL was upset as he feels they have a good relationship. He also told MIL that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and we should all move on.

I have a funny feeling that this is going to keep rearing its ugly head though.