Feel guilty for feeling this way

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I had a look at facebook as my ex had a baby a few months back, he has no contact with our children. We found out about the baby via CSA. I had a look about a month after the baby was born and saw on the Mum's fb what sex it was, showed the kids and they felt better knowing the sex.

Now, I had a mouch around fb yesterday at a few people, and lastly I had a look at her profile again, and saw another updated pic of her and the baby. She has her profile closed and just a limited number on her profile you can see. So there were comments and I saw the baby's name, showed the kids their half sibling and told them the name. It was all so strange. It is tough for the kids, they do feel happier to know who the child is now. We had a chat about lots of things and it will be left to rest now, that the child's name is known.

Anyways, I feel very guilty as I was so happy that she looked so bad and she looked so dead behind the eyes, I don't normally take pleasure in things like that, she was the OW and she was party to a lot of problems post seperation. I still feel bad for being happy she looks about ten years older than she should, she is so fat, her skin is so bad and she looks so haggered.

It's only a bad thing if you gloat to other people - mainly because, whatever you went through at her hands, you will come off looking fairly nasty.

I haven't said anything to anyone, I know they would go and look at the profile and I also don't speak about the ex now a days and I haven't mentioned to many people about the baby situation.

Just lay it to rest, as you said and move on if you can lovely. Don't feel guilty for feeling a glimmer of spiteful glee at her appearance but lay that to rest now too (no obsessing! Drop the image from your mind). Don't harbour negativity towards them, it will only harm you as will negativity towards yourself in the form of guilt for feelings which are understandable.

You and your children went through a lot at their hands - try not to waste any more emotion on them, enjoy your future with your lovely children x

Don't feel guilty baby, I am not sure how to say this but... Karma is Karrma and she did you a wrong'un by being the other woman and she caused a lot of problems post separation, so delight a bit in how shite she looks and enjoy it!

Thanks for listening to me and responding.

I remember everyone telling me he would do the same to her as he did to me (emotional abuse) and for years it seemed to me as if everything was going their way. I had so much of their happiness and their lives shoved in my face, in so many ways, their wedding pictures and her delighted face and how great she was stuff from him, and she used to say that I was a worthless member of society, as I had been a sahm, which she is now. I think the bit that gave me the most pleasure was eeing sthat she has coloured her hair and has massive roots and was greasy, she and ex used to send me nasty texts about my roots showing.

I am happy now with the children, I was very unhappy for a long time when they were revelling in making sure that we were pushed down. I never believed people when they said he would do the same to her, now I know they were right. I don't normally like to think of someone else being hurt, with her I do feel she has got what she wanted so much after all the hurt she caused the children and me. Maybe she has pnd and feels bad now she is a Mum herself for what she did to us?

I don't know sweet. People who are so lacking in compassion as she (and he) were often can't see beyond the end of their own noses. She quite possibly is feeling rubbish right now but quite probably won't make the correlation between that and devastation she (and he) caused for you and yours.

She is undoubtedly feeling very sorry for herself and there's probably no room in that to feel empathy (or regret) for anyone else. Some people are just selfish! I know (believe me, I do) that it's a vague comfort to think that people might realise the gravity of what they did, in time and that in that they might realise and regret the extent to which their own actions have harmed others and I know that part of that is caused by our inherent need to be able to believe in the humanity in people (a belief which may have been torn down by what was done to us) ...but some people just aren't nice people. Some people don't care for the harm they've caused. Some people don't have the sense to learn from a lesson they lived or the strength to take responsibility for their wrongs.

Take heart in the fact that moral good is alive and kicking. There are good people about, trustworthy people and plenty who'd continue to frown upon how you were treated - just don't look for that moral good in the wrong places. Don't even consider how she may or may not feel now. You owe her nothing and you've regally and admirably decided she owes you nothing either - haven't you?

People used to say to me he would do the same to her and I could never see that happen. I suppose now on top of everything I am a little worried that one day she will contact me, like they said too.

I think you are right she won't be thinking of his other children at all, it will be all about them.

I know I owe her nothing, I owe my children something, and I can't be resentfull of that child, despite the fact it's existance had cost us so much financially, not just via the csa, also via a court order made when she was pregnant, and as a result it meant us loosing our home over her decision to be a sahm and give up nearly £100k pa salary. I feel sorry for the kid I suppose, it's is the half sibling to my kids and I know what he is like, and the kids and my experience of her is not great, so the kid has not got great parents.

I don't think I owe the ex or his woman anything.

Can I also crow on here about another thing, I can't say this to anyone in rl? I noticed her Mum moved hundreds of miles away to live in the next village to them, the ex will HATE that, he was very lazy about extended family be that his or mine and resented anyone visiting and invading his relaxation time.

Good good, let's hope she's the MIL from hell to top it off (and now - stop obsessing!)

Don't worry about her contacting you, you can only deal with it if and when. You're under no obligation to communicate with her even if she does so, I would say the direction at that point is entirely in your hands.

You only owe your children the best you can be - he owes them anything else and that is entirely his responsibility, whether he ever chooses to request to be allowed to live up to it or not. (i.e. he doesn't at any point to 'just' decide to pick them up again - he'd have to work hard for that opportunity, wouldn't he?).

I was quite aggrieved that things did not turn out as intended for my family (and for similar reasons to yours). Life for us is certainly different from how I'd intended but we're happy now too (and they're so happy that I'm happy and I'm so happy that they are, it's quite infectious!) - and that's kind of what it seems to boil down to and maybe for you to? Other people devastated us (and our children) in selfish pursuit of their own happiness and it got them anything but.

...It might be a bit naughty to gloat over someone else's misery (as in your OP) but there's sod all wrong with being happy ...and grinning like the cheshire cat to show it!

I asked the kids how they would react if he got in touch, they are both not interested, that may change of course. They are happy as we are as a family, they say they want A Dad, not him as he was not a great Dad once he left, just a Dad figure. It looks like I won't be getting a hard time the next time I bring a man home then there was jealousy when I had men in my life before.

I think they would be interested in the half sibling if they got in touch, they want contact now, I had checked this out previously and was told that as there is no previous contact, that a court would not order it. I have told the kids that once the oldest is 18, they can apply to the court as an adult and apply for themselves and the younger child to have contact and try. They may not be interested then, though it is not that far away now. I told them the child won't remember much before that age anyways, so it won't matter if they had no contact before, not to worry. They lost all their extended family as well, who sided with him or were too lazy and looking for reasons to not have contact so it faded away over time (though I get the blame), so I suppose this is them claiming thier family back. They may not be interested though by that time.

Well you're doing all the right things by your children, encouraging good decisions and supporting their choices they sound really empowered.

I'd be surprised if a judge would cast out their request to apply for contact, given sibling relationships are recognised as the absolutely most important relationship for a child (and it's a relationship which is protected by both the children's act and HR act) but I can see that the logistics of actually facilitating contact could be problematic at the moment.

I did chuckle at their maturing take on you forming relationships of your own. 'Here here' @ them granting permission for you to do so

Oh it wasn't a judge, it was a solicitor that advised me that the court would not give children contact if there was no previous history of contact. To be honnest, it suits me right now for there to be no contact, it's a baby and would that mean I had to look after it, or would they have to be with the ow looking after the baby and my kids, who would be throwing her evil stares due to the history, so it would be uncomfortable for all.

Best to wait until the half sibling is a little older, can be handed over and my oldest will be 18 a legal adult and it will be a lot more straight forward as the oldest could be responsible for my younger one and the half sibling having contact, so I and the ex's woman would not have any dealings.

It has been great to get this all out of my head, don't want to talk about it to people in rl, they hate the ex and her, they will drag over the old stuff, get furious about the baby and ow situation meaning me and the kids are loosing our home and I don't want to get into all that stuff. I don't want them looking her up on fb and talking about stuff, and I know my family would be looking to see if the baby looks like my kids and commenting and stuff, dragging it all out etc.

I will sleep better now tonight, thank you.

Sweet dreams

It doesn't sound very nice when you write it down like that, but I think there are very few people who wouldn't feel the same :)

You are doing the right thing to vent on here and not discuss it IRL - it all gets too messy!

Try to put it behind you now for your sake though, spending too much time thinking things like that isn't good for you!