How do I get the spark back?

[bananacrepe]

Background: been with DH ten years, no kids. We tried and it didn't happen, and it got very stressful so we took a break from it. I had an affair, which I deeply regret, in which I fell for OM, didn't know whether to leave DH for him, then he decided he couldn't wait any longer and got with someone else a week later. I confessed everything to DH and haven't hidden anything from him from then on, because I realised he would have to know everything if things had a chance of working. I love him. It happened largely due to my lack of confidence and self-esteem and also because I found it so easy to talk to OM in a way I've never been able to with DH. That old chestnut... He understood me.

What I want more than anything is to rebuild my life with DH, which he wants too. I desperately wish I'd never been so stupid as to hurt my DH like that, simultaneously ruining a perfectly good friendship with OM (when lack of friendship was part of the reason it happened, so I've made it worse for myself too). DH is a wonderful man and I couldn't find anyone better than him. The problem is that while I love him to bits I have so little desire for anything physical. It was very good with OM - a lot to do with the mental connection I think - and I don't know how to get that spark with DH. I don't think even at the beginning I felt quite like that with DH. I want more than anything to be with him and only him, but I'm terrified that I'll regret later on not finding someone with whom I can find so much passion.

I know I probably sound self indulgent and horrible - I'm not looking for sympathy, I know I was completely in the wrong, and I'm desperate to make the effort to sort things out, but I don't know how to get past this. I need to fancy him again and I don't know how. Tried doing more together on our own, nice meals out, holiday etc. Will it just come in time? How can I make it happen?

'I'm terrified that I'll regret later on not finding someone with whom I can find so much passion.'

It sounds to me as though you are trying to convince yourself that you should stay with your DH, but are still thinking that somewhere else the grass is greener.

You cannot use an affair as a yardstick to judge your marriage by. In an affair the communication will always be great, and the sex always brilliant, because its an affair. There's no real commitment, no baggage with the other person, and there's a lot of secrecy that keeps the tension high and the risk sexy.

In a marriage you get commitment, stability, honesty, and a person with two sides (the side you like and the side you don't). It can become monotonous unless you put the work in.

Why is it that you're not feeling passion with your DH? Is his sex drive lower? Or do you not fancy him anymore? Is he too 'nice' during sex?

Your comment about not being able to judge a marriage by using an affair as a yardstick is very sensible I think. Unfortunately it's hard not to, even though I know you're making sense.

His sex drive has always been higher than mine. Mine has suffered more since the affair now though because of course I can't help doing the unthinkable and comparing - which is unfair, because it's not a level playing field when OM and I didn't have the 'mundane' stuff getting in the way, as it were. I know all this, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know if the grass is greener. I wish to goodness I'd never done it because then the grass being greener wouldn't even have occurred to me.

And your comment about do I fancy him - I don't think I do at the moment. Even more odd as he is definitely way more attractive than OM.

Perhaps something changed when you were trying for a baby. Trying for baby sex can become very stressful as it becomes more goal-oriented, instead of just being about enjoying the moment. Perhaps there's even a subliminal unconscious physical response going on. When my DP had a vasectomy I lost interest in him sexually for a while - it was as if my body knew he could no longer give me children.

I think you need to focus on finding real intimacy with your DH again, and not so much on the sex. The more you keep thinking and obsessing about the sexual side of things, the less attractive you'll find your DH and the worse the sex will be.

Concentrate instead on the way you listen to each other. Do different activities together ie. not just romantic dinners, but out of the ordinary things. Think out of the box. Try to make new exciting memories together. Relax and forgive yourself for the affair. It's no point looking at the past.

Channel your energies instead into the man you love and want to be with. Perhaps some personal counselling to deal with the TTC issues will give you a personal boost as well.

Best of luck.

Thanks. I'm having counselling and have had CBT too but still stuck in a seemingly permanent rut of feeling like a failure and being unhappy. If anyone else has some words of wisdom too I'd be really grateful.

Have you identified why you are unhappy? Do you have sexual interest in men other than your husband? Is it the fallout from the affair that is making you unhappy or is it trying... And failing..to find that spark.
I'm in the same boat. No sexual desire for my dh now, nor will it come back. How old are you? A blunt question, did you make a mistake? If you waNt to make it work with him, then can you open up to him and ask him go help you? Best of luck.

"I want more than anything to be with him and only him, but I'm terrified that I'll regret later on not finding someone with whom I can find so much passion."

You can't buy the Ford, hoping you can modify it somehow to do 0 - 60 in 7 seconds, when what you really want is a Ferrari. Your DH will never do it for you sexually by the sound of it and, by choosing him on the basis that you can change him to suit, you're setting everyone up for massive disappointment. You because he will never be the person you need him to be and him because he'll always know he was second choice, never quite being up to scratch

I think you have to be honest and make the choice on the basis of reality, not 'plumping' for someone as a Nearly Man.

I'd read a book called Rekindling Desire, which I found on Amazon. I have found it really helpful, and it is all about how to build desire back up in a really helpful way. very best of luck... x