Feeling so sad and down, can anyone help, please?

[Feelinggloomy]

Hi, I'm not sure if Relationships is the right place to post this, so please let me know if there's somewhere more appropriate. I'm a regular but have name-changed.

Basically I just feel so unhappy and thought it might help to reach out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and/or has any suggestions.

I'm a single parent and I have one DS, aged nearly 4, with autism. The combination of being a single parent and having a child with autism is something I really struggle with. My son can be very controlling, and his behaviour has recently got a lot more challenging. He also has lots of anxieties. Sometimes it feels like the whole day is a struggle - from helping him get dressed in the morning to putting him to bed at night.

I feel almost permanently exhausted, mentally and emotionally. Recently I've felt very tearful. I don't feel I'm doing a good job with DS.

My ex and I are currently sharing a house, which I hate. I also hate admitting this, but it seems that my ex has a much easier time with DS than I do. He's also lucky that he has family around who help him out when he looks after DS. They can also take him out to places in the car, whereas I don't drive. I feel DS is so much happier when he's with my ex and his family, rather than when he's just with me. I'm started to feel very rejected.

Things seem to be getting worse and worse. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and dread the day ahead. I've been to see my doctor, who said she thought the way I'm feeling is an appropriate response to a difficult situation (there's other stuff I haven't mentioned in this post as it's so long already!) I've also had an assessment for counselling, but I don't know how long I'll have to wait as there's a waiting list.

I probably haven't explained this very well, but I feel terrible. My life is so different from how I hoped it would be, and it doesn't feel that anything's going to get better. I've started to feel that perhaps I should let my ex have custody of DS, as I'm such a mess, and he and his family could do a better job than me. Has anyone been through anything similar? Or has anyone got any tips on how I can deal with it better?

OK my dear, let's see.

I think - can you get more support yourself? Can you take your son to groups? Parenting courses - they are not just for people who cannot parent, they are also for you and me, they teach the most up to date thinking on dealing with kids.

I think the rejection must be very painful, but you could counter it with creating a scene of your own for you and your son, where he has a nice time AND SO DO YOU.

I wonder if he is mirroring you?

I think in general, you create time off for yourself somehow. Make it happen somehow. Time away from the ex, time to think about your new self and future life? Your son will be going to school longer soon, so that will be a whole change in life for both of you.

I think life can be about segments of time sometimes, where we do this and this with these people, but then it changes slightly, and we change with it. Don't sink in this stage, it will change soon, and so will you. Hugs for now tho x x x

Something2say, thank you for replying so quickly. My son's away this weekend and I've been very tearful and feeling very alone, so I really appreciate your post.

Re support: I have friends who have children with autism. They're lovely, and supportive, but none of them are single parents. There's a limit to how much support I can expect from them. I'm very conscious of not wanting to appear over-needy and sad all the time in RL.

I've been on a course for parents of children with autism - perhaps I'll read the booklet they gave me again to remind myself of techniques.

I try so hard to do nice things for me and my son, but it's so hard. Any ideas?? He doesn't play by himself at all, so it's exhausting.

I'm starting an OU course next month, as I've spent most of the last 4 years looking after my son and I think it's good to do something different.

Thing is, I feel I'm trying so hard, and have been for ages (enrolling for this course, going to doctor and arranging counselling, constantly trying to think of nice things to do do with DS) and yet I'm getting more and more unhappy, not less.

Sometimes I feel so sad when I see families together, laughing and smiling and having fun. When DS and I go out, it's often hard work, partly because of his anxieties. I feel desperately sad that he doesn't have a sibling to play with and I don't have the second child I longed for (I had a mc). I feel jealous that my ex and his parents can take my son to lovely places and I can't. I have so many negative and sad feelings and I'm not coping well with them.

Aww its all about the counseling then isn't it. I think start the process of yourself, get a journal and start pouring it all out. Then take care of yourself. Make a list of the things you do to take care of yourself, mine was to be at home in pjs mostly, watch Friends, play my records and play with my animals. If I had to go out, I got it over as quickly as poss, and then I just had a nice time at home. What are yours?

It seems as tho you are grieving a loss as well, how long ago did you split up with your ex? It seems all about what they have and you haven't.

Why are you living with ex? You sound depressed, did GP give you ads?

Dear Feelinggloomy, i'm sorry you are feeling so sad. I can understand how hard that must be. Do not feel that your ex can give DS a better time than you, you are his mum, he will always need you. Just because you cannot drive doesn't mean you can't do nice things together. Just quality time together is best, I think for a child so young they don't need fancy trips out. Maybe just a walk to the park together, feed the ducks, could you go anywhere on public transport, maybe go swimming together? Or if you have a friend with a similar aged child who drives maybe you could all go on an outing together.

I think in your situation it makes all the difference to talk to people and it's good you've posted on mumsnet! Do you have any family or friends close by? Maybe there are some support groups for single parents with autistic children? I'm sure there are a lot more of them than you think.

Sorry to keep posting, I suppose it's a way of getting it off my chest. I've been feeling so tense recently and I get stomach aches nearly every day, and I'm guessing they might be connected. So I thought rather than internalising it all, it might be best to get it out.

I think I've always had a huge problem with jealousy, and also with rejection. So the fact that I feel my ex is better with my son than I am and that my son prefers him, and that I feel rejected by both my son and my partner ... for me, those feelings are so painful that they're overtaking me.

I'm also jealous of all those people who have children without SN - I can't tell you how wonderful it would be just to get a smile from my son. Equally, I'm so jealous of people in a relationship - again, just to get a hug and a bit of emotional support from a partner at the end of the day would make things so much easier. Plus I'm jealous of people who have a second child ... it seems (in my mind) so unfair that I have just one child with autism, while others have two or more 'normal' children.

I know that all makes me sound horrible, and I probably am. I just feel useless to everyone. I've always tried to be kind and caring, but ultimately I truly believe I'm one of those people who should never have been born.

Thanks for all the replies.

something2say, I split with my ex nearly 2 years ago. It's funny that you mention animals - we got a cat last year, but sadly she and DS didn't get on, so she had to go. It made me think that everything I do goes wrong! I already keep a (private) journal and will post in that today. Things I like doing - going out, probably, but have felt so exhausted this weekend that I've barely left the house. It sounds like you've gone through hard times too, from your post - hope you're ok now.

seeingstars, I asked my GP about ADs, but she said she thought the way I was feeling was an appropriate response to a very difficult situation, and that she didn't feel it was right to prescribe ADs.

bugster, my son and I do lots together - playground, soft play, feeding the ducks, going into town, etc. We go on public transport every day, but sometimes it would be so much easier to go by car (eg for holidays). Re support groups, there are some for autistic children, and some for single parents, but I haven't found any that combine the two!

seeingstars, sorry, missed one of your questions. Ex and I are living together as we're selling our house. But it's taking a long time, and we'll probably be living together for at least another few months, possibly a lot longer.

I will keep this brief as long message I typed wouldn't post. I really feel for you I have a Ds with severe autism and it is exhausting and I can feel very down sometimes.

Practically though have you heard of Fanily Fund if entitled you can apply for driving lessons. Do you receive DLA ? If you get higher rate of mobility you can trade in for motability vehicle. That could help you get out more with your Ds.

Also there are organisations where I live that do days out and activities for children families with SN. I'm not sure where you ate but you may have similar.

Staryeyed, thanks for understanding how exhausting it can be.

I've applied for DLA and should get a decision in the next month. I haven't heard of the Family Fund but will look it up now. I'd be very nervous about driving lessons (had them before and was hopeless) but it might be worth another try, as it would be a big motivator to know I could take DS out more.

There's a local group for parents of autistic children who meet up once a month. I always go, but it's hard to chat to other parents much as I'm always with my son, whereas most parents take in turns to look after their children (eg the dad will look after the children while the mum chats and vice versa).

Are there any other groups? Do you mind telling me where you are. Some groups have play workers to give the parents a break.

Also don't make any drastic decisions whilst you are feeling depressed. Your mood and negative thoughts may cloud your judgement and some things are hard to undo.

Hi, I'm a little concerned about saying where I am, as I think some other mums I know look at Mumsnet and may be able to identify me if they read this (though tbh I've probably made myself pretty easy to identify already!)

I don't really need a play worker to give me a break as my son attends nursery for 3 hours a day. That's partly why I can't understand why I'm coping so badly - surely that should be more than enough free time, especially when my ex has my son for 24 hours each weekend?

staryeyed, you're totally right about the decisions. Right now I feel it would be better for everyone if I let my ex and his family look after DS, as I'm so hopeless. But I know that if/when I feel better, I probably wont feel like that. It just feels that one bad thing after another keeps happening, and it's getting so hard to cope.

Concentrate on yoursealf for a bit. Do whatever you can to make yourself feel better;

Eat as well as you can llots of fruit and veg. Get fresh air. Look at supplements. I have taken st johns wart in the past which really helped (please research it).
Get fresh air, exercise. Make plans have something to look forward to- a night out with a friend if possible. Try and do something nice for yoursrelf daily- read a book/ watch a film paint your nails, find a hobby. I love to bake but dont get much chance. I find i get down if Im alone too much so try to get out even just for a walk.

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know it won't help much right now, but tihngs will get better, they really will.

think a major contributing factor to your feelings probably stem from still living with your EX. How can you possibly move on and feel like you are in charge of your life if you are living with him still? As a lone parent myself (with a DS with mild Autism) I know I couldn't have embrased being a lone parent while still living with my ex. You need a complete break, to be living in your own home that is just yours, to be in charge of everything in your own home, to make all the decisions etc. and then you will feel more in control and less sad and rejected.

Hopefull you won't have to live with your ex for long.

agree completely with stareyeyed too.

Take small positive steps every day doing something for yourself that makes you happy.

and as for the feelings of being rejected by your DS, I sometimes feel that, especially as DS has got older, but then I have to remember that I am his mum, he will never reject me, he just doesn't always show his attachment to me like normal kids do. I picked him up from a three dya residential trip he went on with school on friday, and while all the other kids were hugging their parents and telling them all about it DS just wanted to know if he could play on the computer when we got home. I just wanted a hug but he let me give him one once we got home

overmydeadbody, yes, living with my ex makes things so much worse, and I think/hope things will improve when I have my own place - but that won't be for months. And I think you're right about how kids with autism don't show attachment to their parents like other kids do. I don't feel DS is very attached to me (even though I've been a SAHM ever since he was born, and I love him so much) but it may be that he is but doesn't show it. I wish he would, though - it would make things so much easier to deal with.

staryeyed, like you, I can get down if I'm alone too much - but at the same time, feel too down to socialise much at the moment. It's a vicious circle! I'll try to do some nice things this afternoon before DS gets home.

Hi Feelinggloomy - another lone parent of an autistic son here!

I'm sorry you're so low - You've had some great advice here. I don't think you should worry about other parents being together. When push comes to shove, we're all in the same boat - I've given and gained a lot of support from mums who are married. And when I hear some of them moan about arguments they have with their partners about parenting, I'm quite grateful to be alone!

You're in a kind of limbo at the moment. Let's hope your house sells quickly so you don't have to have your ex's jolly family exploits shoved down your throat for much longer!

I feel a bit sad that I don't have the energy to be super-active with my son but I'm the one that does 'messy time' which ds loves. I've also made his room quite sensory and we spend time playing in there. I know all kids are different but I'm sure you could find something that's your thing with him.

Remember, parenting isn't just the fun part. There's the whole responsibility of organising your ds's life, school, appointments, OT's, etc, which I'm assuming you take care of.

If your ds doesn't smile or respond much, check out Phyllis Caldwell on You Tube. She demonstrates something called 'Intensive Interaction' - it's helped us a lot.

tallwivglasses, it's nice to hear from another lone parent with a child with autism.

You're right about being in limbo - it's almost 2 years since my ex and I split, and it's getting worse rather than better. I can't wait to move into my own place.

I've had texts and photos telling me what a wonderful time they (ex, his parents and DS) are having this weekend. I don't know if y ex is trying to reassure me DS is having a good time or shove it down my throat, but it certainly feels like the latter! His mum has been a very negative influence on my life, so it's galling to see her enjoying time with my son while I sit here on my own.

You're right, I do ALL the organsing of my son's life, so I suppose I can console myself that at least I take care of that side of things adequately.

I've tried so many activities with my son. Some are semi-successful, but it's hard going. I'll watch that Phyllis Caldwell video now - thanks for telling me about her, and thanks again for your reply.

It's Phoebe not Phyllis. Sorry

fwiw, I've tried loads of things with ds that haven't worked. He climbs like a monkey at home but he's not interested in the local climbing wall. He can't take part in anything that requires instruction so that's sports, martial arts, music, etc out the window. We play with a lot of water!

I think you have to just work on letting exP's and mil's remarks wash over you. It's good that your ds has a good time with them. My ds is 13...let's see if they're in it for the long haul.

Look forward to when you and ds have your own place, designed just for the two of you and you can enjoy the respite when it's exP's turn. In the meantime do try and speak to someone in real life. Ds's community nurse is lovely for ranting to and she always manages to cheer me up. Reach out. Try your local NAS branch?

tallwivglasses, no worries, I worked out that it was Phoebe and watched a couple of the YouTube videos.

You're right, I have to work on not letting my ex and his mum get to me, but it's so hard. When DS was a tiny baby, ex-MIL told me on several occasions that he cried every time I came into the room, which made me really paranoid - she made me feel DS didn't like me, and I think that feeling has stayed with me.

Water is a big hit here as well!

I'm having a chat with someone from DS's nursery this week, so am hoping that will help.

Thanks again, I really appreciate everyone's support.

Your mil is a nasty woman! Maybe the mn mantra is needed here: 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Tell us how you got on at nursery x