help me get a grip

[takingbackcontrol]

Ex DP has been a jealous and verbally abusive twat from day one. While I believe he wasn't still seeing his ex, she was calling constantly and even turned up at the house a couple of times for the first few months we were together. I felt rather sorry for her to be honest but after three months I sent her a (very) polite message asking her to please stop for the sanity of us all and to her credit she did. It wasnt fun, to be honest, but I put up with it.

He always had an issue with my sexual past and has called me every possible name under the sun - truly vile - and made me answer in fine detail every question he has about it. I don't think he has any right to know but gave in to keep the peace... however it turns out he kissed a couple of girls in the early days we were seeing each other - not a deal breaker but something I think I had a right to know about, unlike what I was up to 9 years ago. The man is nearly 30, why he actually goes to awful clubs and kisses girls he doesn't know even when single is beyond me, I haven't since uni.

He is convinced I am having some sort of affair with a work colleague. I am not. I barely see the man but am in regular text/email contact with him (necessary for work and 95% about work) and ex went through my phone and went totally mental because of the regularity of contact - I explained that, as he had seen, it was completely innocent and he shouldnt be going through my phone, but anyway.

Im waffling. Basically with the background of him being a hypocritical c*nt with an ex he didnt have the balls to remove from his life, his love of interrogating me about the finer details of my past and calling me a slut/slag/tart with great regularity, I recently took a v v v big work promotion and he HATES it, we fight, I am selfish, terrible etc and last night he woke me up at 3am to once again yell at me about this man that I have no interest in WHATSOEVER. So I slept in the spare room and today ended it for good. Terrible relationship, should have ended a long time ago, yet why am I so very sad? If you got this far, thanks

Has he moved out?

Any sadness you may feel will be due to thinking about what could have been but, of course, nothing positive or worthwhile could have come from a relationship with a controlling and possessive twat.

You're a strong, capable, confident, woman and your life will be infinitely better without him in it. Give it a few weeks and I venture to suggest that you won't give him a second thought.

However, the fact that you became involved with such a twat is a tad worrying and you're best advised to spend some time tweaking your twat radar before you plunge headlong into another relationship.

Oh no!!! But my dear, I think this is the right thing to do BIG TIME.

What do we have??

We have jealousy.
Possessiveness and competitiveness over your success.
We have sexually demeaning behaviour towards you personally, and women in general.
We have waking you up to shout at you.

Set against you - I was sooo heartened to see the way you wrote about him, very heartened!! You clearly have your head screwed on.

I would say you wanted it to be good and decent, but it has revealed itself to not be so, and you should find a better man, one who is like you.

So now - do you live together? Remember the principles of separating - get his stuff or yours out pronto, go cold turkey, think it all thro, don't engage if he blows up at you or starts, try and leave.

After a while, you'll feel much better, week or two, and then make lots of plans with friends and hopefully the weather will be better. x

Thank you. I'm looking through a friend's recent wedding photos and getting a little teary. Him and I were friends for a long time before we got together and I think I am mourning what I thought he would be. I put up with a lot more than I would otherwise because my faith in him as a person was so strong. I was wrong.

Definitely demeaning towards women in general.

I'm out. At my Dad's. Won't be going out. He has only rang to tell me I could not get any lower, am the most selfish bitch alive etc. I almost wish I had been having an affair with someone (i dont really, am not a twat) so I deserved some of this, then it wouldn't be so confusing and might not hurt so much.

Is he threatening you at all?

Can you tell us if you live together?

These are emotional assaults on you. Can you not take any calls from him at all - look how they upset you!

Can you get your stuff tonight or get him out? I am a bit worried about the calls tbh... Where are you staying tonight?

I am in favour of the physical work of moving to make the first few days go by quicker....but only if you are safe.

For the job I actually moved over to the continent and return every weekend to see him (used to live together), this week I had a 2 day week so was home for 5 days. He doesnt appreciate that of course, because as a selfish (times 20) bitch I chose to abandon him to pursue my dreams. Anyway, tomorrow I am straight back there and will not be coming back for a long time.

He's started apologising, saying he can't live etc. My heart bleeds for the wanker.

So your main home is on the continent then? Where is your stuff, all with you or do you have to collect anything?

Listen, men threatening or attempting suicide is a risk factor - what is he prepared to do when he feels bad? Can he not cope??? - watch out big time!

Is he texting you or leaving messages?
If he makes any threats, keep them.

All on the continent bar travel bag. I am fine logistically and so very glad I took the job - unsurprisingly, he was very much against me going.

Threats have stopped but he has told me that if I do not appear at his house by 1.15 to drive him somewhere then he will 'find someone who cares'. So childish and controlling I'm ashamed I gave him the time of day.

I hope you didn't go. He really is not worthy of another moment of your time. My ex threatened to kill himself repeatedly when I left him. In the end I got so fed up I told to stop wasting my time and get on with it. He's still alive and kicking 17 years later. Don't feel responsible for him.

He's going to find 'some who cares'? Yeah, right. Wish him luck with that and say a prayer for the next poor woman who falls for his dubious charms.

someone who cares.

Seriously. I fear it might be that ex and I don't think the poor girl can handle it

Do not engage with him at all.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Who he gets involved with is not in your control, just look after yourself right now x

Well bloody done love! Don't even give this arsewipe a second thought.

He has done everything MY Ex-twat did, but I was stupid enough to let it go on for 10 years and have a child with him.

If you EVER catch yourself thinking, Have I done the right thing, PLEASE come back and post and we will slap you into the middle of next week seet you straight. OK?

Ex DP has been a jealous and verbally abusive twat from day one.

how come it lasted until day 2 then?

Well done, stay strong