To just feel really upset and don't know what i should be feeling

[whatsapussycatdoll]

Am now awake after DP has come in from a night out and can't sleep.

we are getting married in 6 months, and today he went to speak to his "best man" as I really dont want "best mans" wife to be at the wedding, as DP went out with her years ago, when we had split up and even looking at her makes me really angry as that time holds so many bad memorys. And i know i should get over it but i cant and seeing her at the wedding, would really upset me.

I tried to fight it but had to accept that i don't need the stress, "best man" duties were originally agreed when him and Dp were teenagers, and they dont really see each other, as in not seem him for about 2 years, we live locally. So best man was told, and he has declined the "job" and is not coming to the wedding.

He asked another friend, who has accepted, but has also informed the group that was out tonight that his GF is pregnant. So I would presume that she will either be heavily pregnant at the wedding, or just giving birth.

This is also upsetting. As we had a MMC 2 years ago and split up over it and only got back together a year ago. He was badly effected by this as was I. We (well i think) we have both grieved enough, And are both really happy to be together and getting married and starting this new part of our life together and will be TTC after the wedding.

He has now realised that we are the only ones in the group childless, and we are both really worried about TTC, incase things go wrong again.

So basically he has fallen asleep after telling me all of this, and i am sitting here crying, because i am now upset about what i made him do regarding his best man, and the fact that he may now loose out on another one if the GF has the baby, And that everyone has a baby apart from us, and what if it doesnt work out and we can't have one!

I came off contraception a few weeks ago, in order to track cycles and stuff, and we are using condoms, Because when i fell pregnant the last time it was a drunken one night no condoms thing. Not just living dangerously. so wasnt planned. So don't want to start to TTC until after the wedding.

But i am so sad, and worried that everything is going to wrong. Just needed that out my head.

Hey op, hugs.

Sounds like there's a lot going on and it may be easier to break it down to one issue at a time?

The best man role declined sounds like a positive for you as you were not keen on him due to the ex?

As for the one who's accepted, his gf mightn't be able to attend if heavily pg / new mum. Even if she does, think about your wedding day, it's the day you and dp start the next part of your relationship and whether she's there / not shouldn't be a huge issue? I understand it's upsetting but you can't avoid everyone who's pg / has children. Try to stay focussed on the wedding and your love for dp.

I'm so sorry to hear about the mmc, did you get help at the time? It may be worth speaking to someone about it as understandably you're still v upset.

Getting married is such a stressful but an exciting time, the wedding's just a day though and a lifetime with dp is what really counts.

Thanks

After MMC i just got on with it, it was DP that was worse. I have 2 friends that had babies after it, and see them alot.Was difficult, but as you say you can't avoid them. So i would say im ok as it just wasnt the right time. just worried about TTC really. DP stays away from all babies to be honest.

4 of his friends had babies after MMC and he hasnt seen any of them! I have not pushed him, but do think that he hasnt dealt with it properly.

I am more looking forward to being married than the wedding. And everything is pretty much sorted for it, not too many dramas.

Im just worried that new best man will have to pull out if anything happens to his GF, and DP will be sad about it.

Hey, great advice from Hop, and it seems from your last post that you've already started to break the issues down which is great.

Regarding the best man, look it's a shame if he can't make it, and there is a chance that he might not but it won't and can't spoil the wedding for you. Is there somebody else that you can ask to be in reserve? So when the day comes its one less thing for you to worry about?

Is the best man issue a lot bigger than it should be because in a way it's another thing to highlight your TTC concerns (almost in a symbolism kind of way)

I'm sorry for your TTC worries, like Hop I'm also wondering if you've spoken to someone about this? X

you as in plural, as in your DP as well.

Im going to speak to DP in the morning about it, he is drunkenly snoring in the next room.

I suppose the TTC issue is the big one to be honest, I didnt tell anyone when i found out i was pregnant ( well couple of friends) but didnt tell mum/sister for example.

And when I had MMC, I just got on with it, took time and was sad, but DP and i had split up at this time and because we hadnt told anyone he lost it! going out drinking phoning me crying and things... well he told his original "best man" who was rubbish and didnt help at all, didnt even come and see him.

So I let him tell his parents and then he seemed to get drunk and tell everybody. He was pretty messed up tbh.

So we got back together, and to be honest i have never been happier in my life, and cant wait to be married. It just the right time now, and we are both really happy.

I think because its only 6 months away now, and we are getting all the final details together, and we have both agreed to TTC after the wedding. I am really freaking out, because i know people will be doing the " when are you going to start a family" " it will be you next" when other people announce that they are pregnant.

My nieces are all ready excited and really want a little cousin. It just feels like massive pressure!

I even started thinking it would be a good idea to TTC now, just so i know it will happen, But DP says no.

That makes me sound like a crazy person, 5am rambling.

Ah bless you! Look, you are in so much of a better place this time to TTC, there is nothing at all to say it will go wrong again.

My mum lost her first and went onto have 3 healthy babies and my partners mum has lost one also and has 6 healthy kids!

It's just natures way sometimes. I was very nervous for the 'danger period' with my pregnancy but all has been fine and I feel so blessed, due in July.

From what you've said I think you need to do your best to look forward to everything, try to keep your worry to a minimum and I feel sure everything will work out just fine for you.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

congrats! hyperballad enjoying the "wont be long now" comments

i just turned 30, thanks for positive outcomes, It just seem to always be in my head the moment. I work a lot on my own so get time to day dream.

Just worry if i bring it MMC with DP and if we talk about concerns, he just says " we will cross that bridge etc" he had a melt down a few months ago, proper sobbing about it, So it kinda makes me feel like i should not make him feel better, and not bring it up.

It funny how our DP's can have such a different way of dealing with things isn't it! Perhaps in this instance sharing your worries with a close friend rather than him might be the best thing so he can just put it to the back of his mind and 'get on with things'.

At 30, you have so much time on your side to TTC again too. We decided at 31 that although it wasn't the perfect time for us to TTC we would stop using contraception (depo injection) and just go with the flow and see what happens. I didn't want to have the worry and stress of trying and trying and being dissapointed each month when my period came and I also had MMC worries so I thought the more relaxed and chilled I could be about the whole thing the more chance I'd have of conceiving and it being healthy.

All in all it took about a year and a half to conceive. And I'm so glad I got myself into the 'chilled' state of mind, otherwise this would have seemed like an eternity! And it really didn't.

I'm feeling very happy and positive for you, your DP is lucky to have such a caring girlfriend, and your naturally concerned for him, but do your best to keep foccused on all the good stuff and I'm sure everything will work out just fine.

(and if you can get him to 'go with the flow' and start trying now then all the better! ;) )

Xx

Ahw, what a head full you've got there.

Agree with pps re the wedding but it seems TTC is really weighing heavy on you now.

I get it, but dispassionately looking at the stats you will see why you are only considered to have a 'problem' after 3 miscarriages. I absolutely am not minimising how awful it is to have one please don't get me wrong, nor am I saying you will have another, not at all. But considering how much we are told about conception it seems that the rate of MC is not always covered. It is very common and ~ 1:3. It is heartbreaking and traumatic but by itself is not a marker of your fertility. If you concieved within 6 months you're doing well and you are no more likely to have another mc than any other healthy woman.

It seems a really horrible thing for me to bring up but it was only to say you aren't alone and a huge percentage of women that have suffered one mc go on to subsequent, healthy pregnancies. Or women that are 'proven' with more than one baby previously, have a mc and go on to have another healthy pregnancy. If you start asking around the wider mum community I think you'll be surprised how many women have suffered a miscarriage, it's just not something that's easy to talk about because it is so painful.
It can cause a great deal of anxiety and it does cause grief which needs to be felt and worked through. It sounds like your DP hasn't quite got there.

My DH had no idea about the frequency with which it could happen and he was working under the assumption that that was it, not only had he lost his baby but we would never have another. Actually giving him the facts was the best thing I could have done because it allowed him to let go of quite a lot of sadness. I'm sorry that you're here but you certainly aren't broken.

I think you should talk to your sister.

thanks for all replies

I read up on so much stuff so i could get it in my head , that it wasn't anybodies fault and that sometimes it just happens.

And was told that i shouldnt have problems again, But DP blamed himself even with all the information i found for him to read.

I am trying to get into a chilled state of mine and just wait until the wedding is over, I think i just feel I have too may time limits hanging over me. I am about to sell my house as well, as living with DP. So that isnt helping with stress.

I think because i have so many things inside my head, i cant work out which ones to deal with, I know I should just ignore that one just now, leave it 6 months then start thinking about it.

I do really want to talk to my sister, i nearly told her, when my nieces were asking about when i was going to have a baby, But just don't want to just now. She thinks she is being helpful by passing on wisdom and telling me what i should be doing when starting to plan TTC, But some of it is really negative, and she is very blunt.

Will also see what the drunken sleeping one says regarding the best man stuff, when he wakes up. I didnt get a chance to speak to him yesterday, as he was going out and he did seem really sad about it.

Hope you're feeling a bit better op, and got a chance to talk to do.

Oh what a lot to think about! Its no wonder you are both going a bit stir crazy!

The best man thing will work it out, don't worry about it

So you are relying on condoms for contraception for now, thats great as it will give your body a good chance to settle down - it took me ages to get a regular cycle after coming off hormonal contraception. I can totally recommend the ovulation kits (cheap as chips on ebay and work) it made me really relax to know I was ovulating even tho my periods were erratic! Be careful tho if you are waiting 6 months, you may end up with an early wedding gift!!