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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Losing respect for my mum.

16 replies

PackItInNow · 19/05/2012 14:27

I found out from my eldest DB that my dad was in hospital with a blood clot in his heart. If it wasn't for my DB telling me about it, I wouldn't have known. My DB admitted (my mum told him not to tell me) that my mum couldn't be arsed to let me know as I haven't been in contact with her recently, which is a load of crap as I've rung her house 4-5 times in the last fortnight to ask how things are. She NEVER phones me back (it's always my dad) and obviously as dad was in hospitaland hadn't been able to ring me.

I'm really losing the respect and trust I have for her because I feel that if she had any respect for me, she would've picked up the phone herself (given she had plenty of opportunity) and let me know that my dad was in hospital. Either me or DH have been in the house, close to the phone so we would have heard it ringing. I have checked the missed calls and the only calls I've had were from friends, my temporary mobile No and 0800 Nos.

I just feel like she doesn't respect me at all and I feel like I should wait until she is out to go round there to see my dad. I don't want to be anywhere near her ATM.

I would appreciate some advice from you good ladies.

Many thanks for any replies.

OP posts:

garlicfucker · 19/05/2012 14:39

She does sound like a drama queen.

Have you got keys to their house? Wouldn't be great to go round while she's out and have your dad struggle to answer the door.

Can you just ignore her histrionics and tell her you're visiting?

RachyRach30 · 19/05/2012 15:12

Yes that's horrible. How come your relationship Has got to this stage? Has it been like this for a while? She should have told you about your dad no matter what.

Kayano · 19/05/2012 15:26

Even if she didn't tell you, telling your DB NOT to tell you is deliberate and very cruel

She sounds a nasty manipulative piece of work

Bluebelly · 19/05/2012 20:57

Yes, DM's behaviour is most upsetting, especially at a time when your DF is ill. I'm full of sympathy, but you really need to move forward and make sure that you get to the root of the problem. Do you think she just didn't contact you out of spite? Could it be possible that she has issues with you that you are unaware of?

The non-contact after your DF's hospitalisation would be a good place to start a calm discussion with DM at the next available opportunity - 'Why didn't you phone me?'

I know you're hurting but I think it needs sorting. It might get better for both of you...

PooPooInMyToes · 19/05/2012 21:18

Has she done stuff like this before?

Original poster

PackItInNow · 19/05/2012 21:53

The problem is if I was to broach the subject with her she'd get very defensive and try making excuses about her behaviour (she has form for this). She cannot be confronted, even in a calm manner, about her behaviour before she gets stroppy and bitchy about being pulled up on it.

I really don't know what to do because I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just can't win and even my dad has noticed and puller her on her behaviour, but all he gets is sniping back and no answers.

OP posts:

Original poster

PackItInNow · 19/05/2012 22:18

This kind of thing has been going on since I was a teen. I wasn't a particularly difficult one (I was stuck up in my room getting on with my studies) and definitely not one of the ones you see these days loitering and causing trouble.

I was the kind of teen to walk away from an argument as I can't be bothered to argue over petty things, but my mum is just that type of person.

I tolod her I was doing some groundwork to try and get into university, and she brushed it off as if I could never get to uni because I wasn't clever enough IYSWIM. She was always the one to put me down whereas my dad has given his blessing and told me to go for it as I have nothing to lose.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 19/05/2012 22:30

Do you think she might be jealous and resentful of you, perhaps feels threatened by you being clever or something so tries to keep you in your place by her behaviour?

SinicalSanta · 19/05/2012 22:33

Gosh that sounds horrible. She dies sound very self absorbed and petty. Mine had shades of this, but thankfully a sense of proportion so wouldn't let it get to the stage if there was real trouble such as illness in the family.

I think the best thing is, when your dad improves is to talk to her. Don't discuss though, as she'll only start justifying herself and being argumentative. TELL her that she was WRONG not to tell you about your dad, and should have enough sense by now to know that. She wronged you, your dad and your brother by dragging him in. Tell her if you have upset her she is wrong not to tell you what it is. If your dads illness has taught you anything its that one day it will be too late to mend bridges.
Don't get sucked in. Don't discuss but walk away. Let her think on.

Mosman · 19/05/2012 22:36

This seems to happen a lot with mothers and daughters the one woman you would expect to be110% on your side and they let you down.

AgentZigzag · 19/05/2012 22:46

Not telling you about your Dad as punishment for an imagined slight is such a spiteful thing to do.

If you've tried to broach how her behaviour makes you feel and hit a brick wall, what else can you do but distance yourself from her?

You have every right to choose not to have contact with a person who leaves you feeling like shite every time you have contact with them.

You say even your Dad's starting to notice, is that saying she's become worse recently? Could there be a (medical or stress related?) reason for it?

Original poster

PackItInNow · 20/05/2012 10:48

Many thanks for the replies ladies, they are very much appreciated .

My mum despises my dad and I reckon that because I have a close relationship with him, and not so much with her (because of the way she treats me), she hates it.

Mum has been like this to me for years, so it's nothing new. She never does this with my brothers and they have noticed as well. Not just that, but everyone has had their turn at pulling her up on the behaviour towards me, but it all goes back to the same old same old. So everyone has tried to make her see that she's not being fair to me but she refuses to acknowledge that she's doing anything wrong by making excuse after excuse and so on.

Sometimes I just want to bang my head on the desk, I mean, you would think that if most people were speaking to you about the way you were treating someone, then you would stop and think about the possibility that you were wrong..... Not my mum.

As for talking to my mum, I have always shut down and never told her anything personal. Dad was always the person I went to for advice on periods, babies, boyfriends and so on. I just cannot talk to her because of the way she treated me, and anyway, there's no point. She'll make all the excuses of the day to justify her actions. All my brothers' have said the same. It has been going on so long that it's like water off a duck's back now.

OP posts:

Original poster

PackItInNow · 20/05/2012 11:07

She was at her best with me when I worked in nursing homes. I was grafting 12hrs a day and 7 days a week for 3 months on the trot, then a break of 5 12hr shifts for a couple of weeks, and back to the 12hrs a day 7 days a week. This was all my own doing as I had nothing better to do and thought that most of my free time would be better spent getting more money doing a job I loved.

It was good because I enjoyed the work, and I was kept away from mum so she couldn't snipe and bitch at me. One good thing has come out of it all though. My mum has taught me how not to parent children.

PooPoo, my youngest DB has said that she could well hate the idea that I'm grafting happily to set the groundwork for, hopefully, getting into uni. He also said that she may not like the idea that I could overtake all my DBs in the qualifications stakes, almost like I shouldn't be better qualified than my DBs.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 20/05/2012 19:56

You say she makes excuses, what are they?

Original poster

PackItInNow · 20/05/2012 22:36

She will pour out her excuses to everyone else but me. It could be anything. Say for instance, when dad was in hospital, she would probably come off with something like "I was only doing it to protect you from being upset", but would really mean that she couldn't be bothered to tell me (as I heard from DB). Well she know's I'm an adult and can handle and accept whatever life throws at me, so 'protecting' me isn't a good excuse in my books.

I was in touch with dad today and told him that eldest DB had to tell me about him being in hospital as mum didn't get in touch to let me know and he was raging. I don't know if he spoke to her after the phonecall, but I would imagine he would have said something to her.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 20/05/2012 23:15

If i were him i would be fuming to see her continue to treat you like this!

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