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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i in the wrong?

49 replies

confuzed90 · 19/05/2012 06:13

I have a 3 week old baby, my partner had time booked off but decided to cancel it and work as soon as I had DS2, not only that he's been doing overtime ( 12 hour nights ) so I have had DS1(3 yrs old) and DS2 day and night. I'm exhausted, lonely n unhappy.

Long story short, we are moving house and have to be in the new house tomorrow. Which we haven't finished decorating or packing. P has not helped with the house at all,

Work has asked him to go into work this weekend.I begged and begged for him not to go, we have so much. He fell out with me because I didn't want him to work, he acts like such a spoilt brat when he doesn't do what he wants. I have spent no time with him since having DS2 3 weeks ago.because he's been constantly working

Last night when he was setting his alarm, I said why as he cnt go I need him so much to help, he kept telling me to shutup, calling me names (as usual) and said he's setting it to get up and ring work.

I have just woke up this morning and he has gone. To work. With a txt saying 'I want to break up'

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 19/05/2012 08:18

He's being a complete twat. How dare he

I don't see how on earth anyone could think you were in the wrong here, unless he's a narcissist or something, he must KNOW that it's a totally shitty thing to do.

I mean I honestly don't understand why you are supposedly "wrong" in this - for what? For asking for some help? How could that be wrong in any situation, let alone one which is as stressful and busy as this.

Do you have family support with the children? I have no idea what you should do about the house move. But you should definitely keep the house and he move out.

MoodyNagoo · 19/05/2012 08:21

I think I would go and check that he is at work.

Check his timesheets/ payslips.

Once you know he is telling the truth you will be in a position to think a bit more.

Mama1980 · 19/05/2012 08:23

What a awful thing for him to do!im so sorry you sound exhausted. I second every thing in solids post tbh. And would have left or packed his bags before he gets home. He's not a teenager ffs who sends a text like that?!

PurplePidjin · 19/05/2012 08:48

telling me to shutup, calling me names (as usual)

Let him find somewhere else to sleep tonight - preferably permanently.

Nobhead · 19/05/2012 08:52

He's being a bellend. What kind of arsehole treats the woman they "love" (who has just had their new baby) like that? You need his care and support now more than ever and chooses to be a twat.
Don't assume OW straight away OP and don't blurt it out in conversation you may need to keep that one in the holster for if his behavoir gets more strange. It could be that he is stressed at work, are they putting pressure on him to work more hours? This does not excuse his behavoir at all but may go some way to helping you understand why he is doing this. Perhaps he is feeling over whelmed by the whole situation and his coping mechanism (as shit as it is) is to avoid the situation run away and use work as an excuse.
Firstly I would discuss what's going on with him calmly (no matter how sweary and name calling he gets) to find out why he is acting this way and why he is doing more hours at work, tell him you are finding it very difficult to cope at the minute and you need his help and support. Then discuss what each of you will be reponsible for with regards to the house move and settling in and taking care of the DC's. Set out the boundries now and I would make it very clear that you won't tolerate being spoken to in the manner in which he did by anyone and if he tries to pull a trick like breaking up over text again his shit will be packed and on the door step so fast he'd think superman had packed it all.

Original poster

confuzed90 · 19/05/2012 09:04

nobhead your post made me chuckle superman had packed it all. Lol.

Anyway, I have tried talking to him calmly, have told him a million times he can't keep talking to me like he does, nothing seems to ever change. He is now texting me saying that we arnt going to break up, and that I know he's right. The thing is I have been unhappy for a very long time,I actually think this is the last straw for me.

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 19/05/2012 09:08

I don't like the way his texts make it sound like he thinks he's calling the shots all the time!!

Nobhead · 19/05/2012 09:09

Ah well that's a bit different then. He sounds like an arrogant twat TBH- you know he's right? Right about what?
How do you feel about it is your gut to call it a day? Do you think he could have an OW?

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/05/2012 09:11

He sounds very arrogant. Send him a text back saying "er, yes we ARE going to break up actually, and no you are not right!"

PurplePidjin · 19/05/2012 09:14

Anyone who swears and name calls is automatically wrong and has lost the argument.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2012 09:15

"He is now texting me saying that we arnt going to break up, and that I know he's right"

He has texted you this as well?. This man can't even be asked to have any sort of conversation with you.

What will you do now?. If it is the last straw for you hold onto that thought and act further on it. There is help out there for you; you need to take the first and hardest step to access it. He won't change because he does not want to and he does not think he is doing anything really bad here with regards to you. You are but a mere possession to him.

He's got self entitled and abusive written all over him.

Please break free of him and make a new life for yourself with his daily malign presence in it.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. Your 3 year old is likely hearing his dad calling you names even if he is not around when this is happening. Children are very perceptive.

Original poster

confuzed90 · 19/05/2012 09:16

I don't think he has OW, just thinking though, I think I'd be quite relieved if he did, make me breaking up with him so much easier and make me more focused, however I would be upset that he put her before our children.

He said I know he right about him working all the time, as in that we 'need' it. Which we really don't, I'm not the one who wants a 50inch 3d tele.

OP posts:

Rindercella · 19/05/2012 09:22

Please try not to get into a text exchange about your relationship with him. If he texts again, just say that you will discuss it with him face-to-face. It's just too bloody an important thing to be done by text. Or at least it should be.

What do you want confuzed? You obviously don't want him to be working all of the time. But do you still want to be with him? What are his good points (from your posts, I can't seem to identify any!)?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2012 09:26

"I don't think he has OW, just thinking though, I think I'd be quite relieved if he did, make me breaking up with him so much easier and make me more focused, however I would be upset that he put her before our children"

I am wondering why you have such a mindset. This could be because in your eyes an OW (if there was one) is more tangible whereas what you have experienced at his hands to date is far more hidden and happens behind closed doors. Abuse like he has and continues to mete out towards you is insidious in its onset. This is all about power and control.

Would you be the one to break up with him anyway even if there was not an OW?. I actually believe he thinks you would never be the one to break up with him because he sees you as too weak to do so.

Nobhead · 19/05/2012 09:27

What's the point of him having a 50 inch 3D telly when he's never there to watch the fucker? Tell him he'll have plenty of time to have fun watching everything in 3D on his 50inch telly because he will be spending his evenings alone from now one- tosser!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2012 09:28

confuzed,

What do you yourself get out of this relationship now?.

I do not want to read anything about him being a good dad towards the children (because he is clearly not), I want to know what has kept you within this to date. What do you feel about and towards him now?.

Original poster

confuzed90 · 19/05/2012 09:28

Erm he's a good dad when he's here.
As of good points in the relationship...I can't think of any.
My parents love him, they see him as their son.
The fact that he's my childrens dad I would say is the only thing that keeps me with him

OP posts:

Nobhead · 19/05/2012 09:33

Well your answer is right there. The only reason is he is the father of your children- that's it. He sounds like he is awful to you and has no inclination to be respectful or supportive. YOU are getting jack all from this relationship, don't stay together for "the kids" you need to leave for "the kids" they WILL pick up on the tension and lack of love between you both and this will form their attitudes towards relationships in the future.
Would your parents feel differently if they knew what a wank shaft he was to you behind closed doors, I bet they would.

Flisspaps · 19/05/2012 09:42

confuzed90 This man doesn't value you lovey. This isnt the first time youve posted about him

I think the only sensible thing he's said in a while is that you're breaking up. Never mind him changing his mind. You don't need him and you don't need to be this unhappy - it'll rub off on your lovely children too.

Never mind not having a job, you should be entitled to Maternity Allowance or Income Support/JSA and probably Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit.

He's wrong, not you, you don't need his money or his misery.

IvanaNap · 19/05/2012 09:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2012 10:03

"As of good points in the relationship...I can't think of any".

Well there's your answer in a nutshell. I seem to recall you writing about him on previous occasions as well. Such men do not change; they only up the power and control ante.

You have also commented that he is hardly ever home so the good dad when he is here comment counts for nothing as well. You have nothing positive at all to say about this particular individual. All this man has done emotionally to you is lower your self esteem and self worth. He only sees you as someone to use and abuse as he sees fit. I asked you what you directly get out of this and unsurprisingly it is nothing.

You have furthermore only stayed with this person because he is the childrens' Dad. Please get your head out of the sand and see this properly for what it is. This is affecting you and by turn your children. They will not thank you for staying with this man and wonder why the hell you put him before them if you do decide to remain within this.

Life as a single parent is far better than what you have now. You chose poorly but you do not have to compound this error of judgement further by staying with him.

Margerykemp · 19/05/2012 10:04

You need to be thinking of the logistics of escaping this relationship. What is your housing status?
Do you have any income of your own?
Have you registered DS2s birth yet?
Do you have your own bank account?

MigratingCoconuts · 19/05/2012 11:21

your family love him like a son...but have you told them what you says to you??

solidgoldbrass · 19/05/2012 21:50

Sounds like your family have a joint attitude that men matter more than women, that women's role and duty is to serve and please men. This is bullshit. Unfortunately, women who have grown up being taught that they don't matter, that they must aspire to being a Wife and obeying a male owner very often end up with abusive partners (because nice men want an equal partner, not a slave). This man's behaviour is unacceptable and if your family think that you should suck it up and be more obedient and submissive because, after all, you're only a 'woman' then they can fuck off.

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