Do men really settle for second best?

[lowestpriority]

This may sound strange but do men who may be afraid of losing their marriages ever stay in the marriages even if their hearts are not really in it?
I mean that they want to be married, but not nessacarily to the person they are with, they just want to be married.
If that makes any sense please explain if this is a possibility.

I imagine it's a possibility for men and women. Is it your husband you're talking about lowest?

Hi I kind of get what you mean. My experience was that exp wanted to stay together and live in complete misery rather than seperating. Strange mentality as was destroying all of of us. I know I did not share this belief thankgod!. We are not supposed to live in misery, men def from plantet Mars!.

oops spelling error, planet mars!

I just get the feeling that, even after a heated discussion (on my part) about getting divorced, he just appeared far too laid back. After discussing where and how we would live apart, he just seemed extremely calm and matter of fact, not upset or concerned at all.
When asked what he wanted he said he wanted a marriage. That was it really, just a marriage, not necessarily with any specific person, IYSWIM.

I know what you mean and I am in the same position. My husband and I have talked about divorce few times, he know that is not working and we are both unhappy and detached but he won't leave and wants to keep trying forever...I must say he is really trying and is improving a lot. But it will make life easier at home however won't make me fall in love with him...
My ex husband was completely different though...as soon as we had a bit of a problem he decided to end it all after 2 years relationship and nearly 2 years marriage,...he did not want things to work out and did not even wanted to try anything...and I know 4 years does not seem long but we had a very intense time together...
I guess it depends on the person really.

I just really hate this sick feeling I have in the pit of my stomach that tells me he is staying purely for the dcs and the fact that it is less hassle than splitting up.
I could be wrong but I don;t think I am.
I do not want to be in a marriage with someone who stays with me because it is convenient.

If you want to stay with him and want him to stay with you for the right reasons, so wht don't try and work things out?

But that's my point. If I stay it's because I want to be with HIM. I get the feeling that if he stays it is just easier.
During our discussion he was very matter of fact about getting sep properties, and even told me to leave the kids with him! This coming from a bloke who previously claimed he would never be a weekend dad and would rather cut all contact.
He never once, during our talk, told me he wanted me to stay because he loved me. He just said he wanted his marriage to work. This to me suggests that he could be married to anyone, not necassarily me IYSWIM.

Because in a marriage (such) men usually get lots of housework done for them, don't have to deal with the children that much and get sex without having to bother too much convincing the other person to do it?

But how can they have sex with someone if they don't really want to have sex with that person?
I just could not do that.

I could! I've had lots of great sex with men I didn't even like.

The thing about your post that really hit home for me was this: I do not want to be in a marriage with someone who stays with me because it is convenient. It echoes something I often wailed said to X2: I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Like your H, he said he wanted to be married.

The import of these two statements didn't really hit me until afterwards. I was telling the truth, but not acting on my words. I'd committed to him - and was in love with him, so it was somehow too hard for me to understand that what I said was true. He didn't want to be with ME, he'd somehow decided I fit his bill. And I did deserve better; at least for my love & care to be reciprocated.

I'm going to have to leave similarities aside there, because X2 was abusive as I later realised. But I think it's worth listening to what you yourself are saying.

he was very matter of fact about getting sep properties, and even told me to leave the kids with him! This coming from a bloke who previously claimed he would never be a weekend dad and would rather cut all contact.

Is he saying he wants to have full care of the children? Be careful. I suspect this man is more of a cold fish than you'd like to think.

He never once ... told me he wanted me to stay because he loved me. He just said he wanted his marriage to work.

Also identical to X2. What he meant was that he wanted me to be happy (not to help me feel happier, or anything - just wanted me to "be" happy) and more compliant with his idea of The Wife. It was all to do with a template in his head, iyswim. Any woman fitting certain basic criteria could fill the Wife role, as long as she didn't have any thoughts/needs/feelings that intruded on his 'script' for her.

To be fair, the world's full of successful marriages that run along such dispassionate lines. They're partnerships, not necessarily love matches. It really only works when both partners go into it with their eyes open and are very respectful of one another's character. Sounds as if you're feeling short-changed on both fronts.

My ex told me that he believed in marriage as an institution, yet I didn't seem to, although we both went to church (we didn't get married in church though). My (unspoken) reaction was "If life carries on like this, I will end up in an institution!"

He was very resistant to us breaking up, then resistant to us living separately, wanted to stay in the same house til DD was 18 (8 **ing years!!), told me I had ruined his life. The alternative was to stay with him and ruin mine and I wasn't prepared to do that.

I honestly believe that he wanted to be married, he wanted kids, he wanted to be a 'family'...but he never put the effort in, and I felt like he had a tick list and 'wife' was one of the things on it. It wasn't about me, at all.

On the happiness scale married men are out on top (probably for the reasons Lueji says). Try and stop cooking his meals, doing his laundry, tidying after him, arranging appointments/cards/presents and anything else you do for him (including sex) and see how that might focus his attention on what he wants. At the moment his needs and wants are probably being met by you so he sees no reason to rock the boat.

Oh fuck! garlic and hungry, you have both got it to a T. DH doesn't want to be married to 'me', does he? He wants to be married to the wife template, and basically, any woman who slips into that pattern will do.
Shit, how could I have been so fucking stupid. I really thought he loved "me". But I suppose I am better than nothing till something better comes along.
Garlic, what did you mean about the cold fish thing? TBH that remark about me leaving the children there with him whilst I bugger off was what shocked me the most. I mean, he's never been what you'd call a great dad, just fitting them in when it suits him. So for him to say that was a real slap in the face. Almost as though he just wanted to get rid of me asap.
Or am I just reading far too much into this?

lowest, my ex did that too...several times he said "You're not taking my children away from me", "The door's open", "You can leave any time you want" etc. He had no intention of 'keeping' the children. I only moved 2.5 miles away, he sees them for 2 nights a week and alternate Saturday nights. He does not rearrange dates when he is away on business and misses regular contact. He is not as bothered as he wants people to think he is. He loves them, I know that, but on his terms.

His life got better after I left, and so did mine. It's not even about meeting someone new, you just deserve to be treated with respect.