Dealing with nasty ex-husband still living in the house

[ladybrady22]

I ended my marriage to my naty EA stbxh in January. He was and is very angry and just can't believe that I actually left him. I managed to get a mortgage for the family home and am staying here with my two dc (6 and 3)and buying the house from him, taking over all bills etc in the process. This is going through the solicitors now and shoudl be ready in about three weeks. It will be a stretch for me but I'm happy to take it on to keep our home as it would cost so much to movet etc and the dc just love their home. I have filed for divirce citing his unreasonable behaviour and he has not contested it(purely for financial reasons he insists) and the decree nisis shoudl be read in court int he next week or so.

He has refused to move out throughout this process and so has been sleeping in our small office. He goes between between sickly sweet, begging me to take him back and claiming to be so ashamed of his behaviour to being nasty and angry and saying that he was forced to behave that way as I am so horrible and annoying. This nasty behaviour includes a lot of shouting, name-calling and generally trying to explain to me 'what my problem is'. This is futile of course as I have absolutely no doubt that my 'problem' is him and as soon as he is gone life will start to be good again. There is never any apparent reason for the switch in his moods so I continue to live walking on eggeshells around him and feeling constantly sick. Its really touch as I feel like this shoudl have stopped four months ago when I decided to leave him yet he is acting like nothings changed and I still feel horrible.

We have two dc who are staying with me and will see him the equivalent of every other weekend and one night during the week. I have also said that I'm prepared to be flexible etc to ensure that he can still spend lots of time with them. In all honesty, he spends virtually no time with them anyway and when he does he just puts on the games consile and ignores them while he browses the internet.

He has a moving date set now thank God but has now decided that he wants to have the dc stay over at his on the night he moves. My oldest is really worried that hes not goign to be living in his home anymore and has had to have a lot of reassurance (from me as his dad says he doesn't actually pick up on anything around him) so to my mind, having their dad move out and them stay there that night will make them think they have moved out too and will be confusing. I've said they should go over and visit him the day after he moves in and the dc can sleep over there a few days later. I'm not trying to keep them away from there Dad. I want them to feel happy and comfortable at his new place. but it is really important that the move is handled sensitively and with lots of reassurance from me and theor dad.

Stbxh has just flown off the handle again after me suggesting this telling me that I'm a dragon and a horrible person. Funnily enough, he hasn't liked me since I started standing up to him and not accepting beng treated with constant contempt, derision and anger. I think I'm being fair about this and am genuinely trying to help the dc have a smooth transition but the trouble is that having lived with him for four months since we splitand the constant tension and nastiness from him, my nerves are seriously frayed. I am actually being sick most days as a result of the stress and I don't know if my my reasoning has just gone completely.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or can give me any advice how to deal with this?

Please excuse the typos. I'm typing in a dark bedroom as he's hogging the lounge and tries to pick a fight if I go in there so I'm just keeping out of his way.

Can you please just constantly update this thread - you are in the most horrendous situation possible and I'm so sorry for you.

Of course you're not being unreasonable but there's literally NO point in talking about it, just make non committal noises or actively say yes if course you'll bring them over on the evening he moves.

And then don't. And lock the fucking door behind him and arrange contact another time.

Right now you have to focus on keeping yourself safe. And only that.

Is there any friend/ family member who can move in for the last 3 weeks?

This is the final strait. You will get through this, it will be tough.

REALLY TOUGH, but there is an end to this.

Focus on your freedom, focus on your dc, your safety and seizing the opportunity to lock him out of your lives the soonest you can.

Do you have the access to the children formalised, by court order? If not, if they don't want to see him, don't force them. Remember, contact with him is actually harmful, so ought to be minimal, and ideally supervised.

Keep strong, keep posting, we'll keep you company until you're free.

Well done! You're nearly there. If he kicks off, call 999. Show him you won't be bullied.

Lady, I'm sorry you are in such a horrible position. Your stbxh has no control over you anymore so is just angry with you hence his bullying behaviour.

Thank goodness the end is in sight, just do what you have to do until he moves out, it won't be long. Then the day he moves out, change the locks, and then you can do what YOU want about your DC, he only has control whilst you are there together, it is nearly over.

Keep strong, once this knob is out of your home it will be such a relief and you can live your life once again.

Thank you for the replies. I can't tell you what I means to have reassurance and acknowledgement that this is not a normal situation (as he would have me believe). I know it's only or a little bit longer but I just feel so worn down. I'm reading lots of literature about empowering yourself and dealing with divorce to try and feel stronger but it only takes one conversation with him to make m feel awful and pathetic again.

LaurieFairyCake, you're absolutely right that there's no point engaging with him. I just seem to get sucked in to conversations that I don't want to have because in the middle of cooking something or the dc are there and I don't want to stand up to him too much and make angry in front of the kids. It's all so ridiculous but so difficult to deal with every day.I spent years thinking if if could just get him to understand my point of view and see how much hes hurting me then he'd change. Of course I finally realised that it wasn't that he didn't know he was hurting me, he just didn't care.

TheHappyHissy - we have made statement of arrangements as part of the divorce process to outline when he'll see the dc. I do want them to have that relationship but if he starts o show any of the nastiness towards them or they don't want to go then I will mot make them. He's never been physical. He knows if he laid a finger on any of us I'd have him arrested and charged and then really would lose everything. His nastiness has always been done with words. He is very good at saying very little, yet hurting a lot.

I have arranged to have the locks changed the night h moves out. He thinks that he'll just come and go as he pleases but there is no way in he'll that's happening. I'm just so embarrassed that I even married him. I look at him now and just feel pity (along with quite a bit of anger but I'm trying to deal with that so it doesn't eat me up). I naively thought that when I decided to end it, that would be it. I never imagined I'd be sat here still trying to deal with him in the same house four months later. I cannot wait till he's gone. Friends suggest that I throw some sort of party to celebrate the house being mine but all I actually want to do is sit down and breathe out. I just want to live quietly without the anxiety that he'll walk in any moment and kick off. It cannot come soon enough.

I lived with my ex for 1 year 3 months after it ended. It was hell, and I appreciate some of what you are going through. I moved out and left the marital home, he wanted the DC to stay there the day I moved but there is no way I was walking out of that door without my children. They were old enough to ask, they said they wanted to be with me on moving day and they were absolute stars, carting stuff around and building flatpack furniture!

Just keep counting the days, stay strong, PM me if you like. Your life will soon be getting immeasurably better.

Remember, bruises heal, verbal/emotional abuse doesn't.

Those children need protecting.

You can't believe how much better you will be feeling in only a months time!

That wonderful bit... which incidentally just keeps getting better... has a high price; the tidal wave of crap you're currently facing, but stand firm, stand strong, it'll be ok in the end.

I was where you are a year ago in February.

It'll all be ok, better than ok. Promise. :-)

lady I think you have done quite amazingly well. We are still in the same house despite being legally separated since the beginning of April. My children are grown, or almost, and the only way to separate was for me to move out - Ex refused to leave and I have signed over all the equity.
You are getting there. This is just the end game, but keep strong and remember once a complete fuckwit of a tosser man with unsolved issues always that way.
Keep up the good fight; you are doing just great.
As an example you are completely right about it being totally unfair and unsettling for your children to stay with your ex the night he moves out. No loving father would ask that of their children.

lady your doing great, you have the end in sight, keep strong. Think of coping strategies to avoid situations, have phrases ready so when he asks you something you don't feel is appropriate, say 'oh I forgot to so and so back' and rush off to get your phone, that is of course if ou can't just say sod off and mind your own business
I do know how hard it is, Its been three months since I ended it with my ex, we are still living together too... It's completley shit, life in limbo. I just concentrate on my DS and the future, I think about all the good things that I will enjoy when I have my own place.
I read a thread this week, good things about being single.. See if you can find it, made me

Lady, I hope you can continue to be strong until he leaves.
I am in the same position, but without the added worry of any children.
Despite my ex behaving very badly indeed, he seems to be blaming me, and is refusing to do the decent thing and move out.
Every moment in the house with him is incredibly stressful, and I am frightened. I don't think he would do anything, but he is so aggressive/manipulative that my nerves are frayed.
Well, let's hope the future is going to be sunny.

Ive arranged for my mum to come and stay for a few days next week. He manages to stop being so nasty when she's there so hopefully that will make things easier or a few days. I don't know whether to tell him she's coming as he will absolutely hit the roof but then if she just turns up he might get really angry in front of her and I don't want to put her in that position. I'm not scared of him as such but I am really intimidated by him and try and manage myself and the things around us so it doesn't set him him off just like I've done for years. I'm 34 for God's sake andi don't know howi ended up like this. I think one of the hardest thing even once he's gone will be not asking for permission or approval before doing anything. I might look into some counselling to try and get my head around all that's happening.

Sorry for the ramble. I appreciate all the advice I've been given onhere. I hate to think of anyone else going through this but it helps to know that I'm not alone in this situation.

That sounds good lady - can your mum actually stay till the day he moves out? If not, could someone else come to the interim? I don't think you and he being the only adults in the house is healthy for you or your children.

Councelling may well help you make sense of the last few years and create for yourself a new parapigm of how to build your life from now on.

It's definitely a bad idea for the DCs to go with him to his new place on moving out day. Horribly disruptive for them, and not fair on them. It's fair enough to take them round for a BRIEF visit the next day so they can see where dad is now, IF that's what they want, because they might feel concerned to want to know where and how he will be living from now on, but this should be up to them.

Moving house is stressful even in the happiest of relationships, so he is definitely being unreasonable to suggest they accompany him. Stay strong.

Principles of living with abusive men -

Do not engage. Difficult when he comes in when you are cooking!!!!! But in your mind, realise that he is being Jekyll and Hyde and you are being sick and are scared - clear DV - it is meant to upset you, you are meant to not win - acknowledge all of this in your mind. Get the cooking done quick, even down to eating out or easy stuff for this time period only, but definitely DO NOT ENGAGE.

Principles for having left -

Don't let him in your home.
Report of he becomes threatening or aggressive - keep those texts and remember, harrassment is a course of unwanted contact.
Do 3rd party handovers for contact if needs be.
Change your numbers and get a cheapo mobile for contact w kids and you never speak on it.
If he emails you and says endless crap about your relationship, mixed in with stuff about when he's seeing the kids, scan, make notes of the dates and then delete. Unless threatening, in which case report or at very least, save. But the point I am making if - do not take on board the DV.

Agree with all the above, am glad you've booked the locksmith, and support Laurie's suggestion wrt ridiculous moving with DC idea. This is not a normal situation; normal rules don't apply. Just let him assume he's won, or lie if you have to. I'm in favour of warning your mother rather than trying to manipulate H. Tell him she's coming on the day she's due.

I say again, any and every time he kicks off... call the police. It'll create a paper trail of his abuse of you which will serve you well in all future problems that you will have with him.

This is WAR, you have to gather your weapons. The biggest ones you have are TRUTH and OPEN ACCESS to his shitty behaviour/abuse of you.

Otherwise, smile and nod. This too will pass will be your new matra. Ultimately you WILL win your freedom, he can't ever take that from you. He knows this, which is why he's ramping up the abuse. He knows he has to go, but he won't go quietly or easily.

All great advice, above, Lady.
You will be free - and while you are so young.

I think you present it to your STBExH, when he is in one of his fawning moods, that dcs don't want to watch him leave, so give some thought to moving out and setting up when they are at school, and they want to come over to his the first weekend when he's got it looking all homely and they're excited about seeing him - as after all the dcs come first.

Liking the cut of your jib there Ms Bombshell...

Ladybrady, you are doing so well and the 3 weeks is like a countdown to freedom! You are right not to be drawn into his silly mind-games. If he's only objectionable to you, you might be able to internalise and ask yourself every time you see him "what muppetry is he going to try now?" and try and look at him dispassionately, like a hulking tantruming teenager. Certainly got me through exH's cruelties in the time period before he left.

There were only two things (but biggies) that I would never back down on 1)financial provision (which wasn't an issue as exH left all matters financial to me) otherwise the kids and I wouldn't have a roof over our heads 2)the emotional welfare of the children, which H unfortunately seriously threatened. Whilst we might put up with a lot of unkindness directed at us, if it's the dcs who are targeted, it's surprising how that hitherto hidden mother lioness in us surfaces!

@ HappyHissy

Omg just read some posts and it's so me. Stressed and don't know what to do.
Partner wanted to end relationship. Won't move out of house until I pay him. Mine and kids money sorted. Joint Mortgage, 2 kids. Some days nice wanted us to fix things, well to be honest wanted me to say yes it's me I'm sorry please forgive me. No chance, I'm not in the wrong but why do I feel sick. I work look after kids see to house always have done. He takes kids to school and thinks I owe him the earth. Doesn't do anything with kids. Eats food I've bought in for me and kids like it's his right since he's on mortgage and I've all this money! sleeps on sofa (seeing someone else but won't admit to it), still barges into my room when I'm asleep for his things or just to accuse me of taking things ( I don't touch his things). I feel like I've got to go to bed with the kids to give him his own space when he gets in. Walking on egg shells, full of anxiety knowing when he's coming in. He wants me to move the kids out of a bedroom into mine so he has a room and privacy. Nasty messages etc etc you can guess. He's a narcissist. Feeling lost, alone. Sorry if non of this makes sense just rambling. Anyone got a money tree lol