On my own after 16 years...

[MrsWorrier]

To cut a very long sad story short, my DH was arrested and charged with downloading child porn. I had no choice but to leave him - Social Services involved and he's having a total breakdown at his parents. We have 2 DC. My head is saying I've done the right thing - in fact I know I have. How could I stay with him with all the deceit lies etc. But I miss him sooooooooooo much. We had been together for 16 years and I thought we had a wonderful life together. How wrong was I? I'm still in shock almost two months on and just can't believe he was capable of this - sadly the police evidence leaves no doubt...My heart is hurting badly - I feel so let down, betrayed and horrified by his behaviour. Who was he? Where did it all go wrong? Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice/support much appreciated. Thank you.

thats so sad. I'm sorry how awful for you. You did the right thing. It must be very hard though and it's not surprising you're in shock. Have you thought about some counselling to have somewhere to talk it over

My dear love, what a horrendous shock.

Of course you did the right thing. Thank goodness you found that strength.

Please remember that HE did this. He chose to do what he did, it is in no way any reflection on you.

He'd not be having that "nervous breakdown" if he hadn't been caught. He'd have carried on.

Can the police suggest any support group for you to try to recover from this?

So very sorry for you having to deal with this but take heart that you have done the right thing for you and your DCs, so well done for having the strength to make the right decision x

Hi again - thanks ladies. I've been in contact with 'Stop it now' a charity that deals with internet sex offenders and their families. Sadly they have seen a huge rise in middle aged men being caught doing this kind of thing. They were really good Am on Prozac too - but nothing is stopping m heart from hurting! I know that this is entirely normal but I just feel so lonely. And HappyHissy = you're right HE pressed the buttons and HE caused all of this. And I'm the one left with the kids having to put on a brave face every day pretending that everything is fine. It's all just so surreal...

so sorry you are going through this, you had no choice but to leave him. Im glad you have found some support with a charity.

My situation is obviously different to yours (husband left me), but I have the same feelings, everything very surreal, how did it come to this, 1 daughter, having to put on a brave face everyday pretending all is well when it isnt and it isnt easy, being left with all the responsibilities. just keep reminding yourself that none of it is your fault, that your children still have you and that you have them.

stay strong and you will find some good support on here.

So sorry to read this MrsWorrier

My situation is entirely different but I do understand your feelings of loneliness even when you know you've done the right thing in ending it.

I'm devastated for you.
Many people deal with the feelings of betrayal and seismic shift in their life due to the ending of a marriage and future. However you have been put in a position of needing to deal with this times 2 really due to circumstances that would illicit stunned silence and disbelief from all of us.
You know you have done the right and very necessary thing. It doesn't make it easier though.

Prozac, counselling and support all take time to start helping. You are grieving for lots of things including the memory of the man you thought you knew, for your DCs and the future. Doing that while dealing with the lack of physical presence of someone you are used to being there. The very tired cliche that it takes time is actually the truth. We do need to go through these stages of hurt, anger, betrayal, denial, blame to move through it. Support and counselling etc can help us ensure we don't get stuck in any one stage or struggle alone with depression etc but it can't actually speed up the process or stop it hurting.

Some things that have helped me deal with past issues are - letting the emotions happen and riding them out. Accepting it's ok to feel a certain way and letting the sadness or anger wash over you rather than trying to contain them or 'rationalise them out'.
Talk it over- actually describing what's going on to others (in a 'safe' situation) can help things click into place.
Look at the guilt - in whatever scenario people often feel guilty for things they weren't responsible for. Look at 'your' guilt for what it is and put it where it should lie. You didn't condone anything because you didn't know.
You can love the person but not the action - for many of us that loved abusive people find this one hard to navigate. You loved a part of the whole man. You loved what you knew and it's ok to miss that. It's also ok to be repulsed or actually find yourself disbelieving hard evidence. It is just part of a cycle. You often find this bit makes you angrier as you realise the deceit and betrayal more as you think about it - you feel keenly what has been taken from you or maybe feel to have been made a fool of or used. These are all fairly common however applicable to the situation.
Remembering that you had no reason not to believe he was living as honestly as you and being kind to yourself when you remember things is always beneficial. It is easy to be harsh on your past self, using hindsight as a stick to beat yourself with.
Consciously give yourself time - Iirc we're judged to be 'finished' grieving after up to 7 years. So although practicalities need seeing to and life must go on it is worth remembering that the first year is no time at all and may be very raw. Actually seeing it's ''only'' been a few weeks helped me view my stages more dispassionately and check the feeling of being overwhelmed with anxiety/anger/sadness being never ending. Also, it's a little bit different for everyone.

Sorry that was so long. And I'm very sorry you have had something like this to deal with.

Thank you so much for that sound advice nicnoc - you are so right in everything you said. On top of everything is the shame / retribution aspect which means i have to be really careful about whom i share this information with. I'm trying not to beat myself up but as u said its the absence of someone u r used to having around that hurts so much. Thanks again for helping x

My heart really goes out to you MrsWorrier (hugs) Not only has your husband's actions come as a terrible shock, but it has forced you to make a MASSIVE life adjustment. And whereas a cheated on partner can at least let off steam by talking to every day people, because of the sensitive nature of thing,s and your DC's, you are forced to keep everything a secret. That can be profoundly isolating. You and your DC's are victims of his abusive actions too.

As has been said it's O.K to still feel love for your husband, whilst hating his actions. It's better to admit that than try to fight it. What's important is that you don't give in to those feelings in the sense of trivialising his actions or standing by him, as he could be a potential danger to your children. Use your love for your children to counteract your feelings for your husband.

'I just can't believe he was capable of this'

People with such desires have to compartmentalise their lives. They are perfectly capable of being kind, loving, good even, whilst engaging in dark, sordid and twisted behaviour. My Step Dad appeared a lovely man to everyone he met. I even had school friends tell me they wished their SP were as nice as mine. Yet he sexually abused me.

'Where did it all go wrong?'

Not really worth you going insane trying to work this out. It could be he has always had these twisted desires, even before he met you. It is possible that he was a fairly average guy who started watching adult porn, and then gradually got into watching porn with younger and younger girls/children. Either way his actions have nothing to do with you. None of it is your fault. It's not about how much sex you gave/or didn't give him etc, and its definately not the first thing you would suspect.

It terms of moving on, I think you need to go through the same steps someone in a breakup has to go through. After the shock has worn off a bit more, start looking at your relationship. No relationship is perfect. What can you do now that you're single that you couldn't do before? Write a list. What were his other flaws etc. Do you have any hobbies you can indulge in now?

Unfortunately most of this requires time before things get any better. After a while you may start to feel angry and that will be good. I suggest regular one on one counselling to work through your feelings.

Lots of hugs and best wishes. Sorry this is so long.

What a shock! Im so sorry for you MrsWorrier

That's a horrible situation but, at heart, it's not a lot different to the more usual shock discovery of an affair and immediate departure. The innocent party has a few hours to assimilate the information and, I don't care who you are, we're just not equipped to go from loving someone to hating them in a short space of time. It's incredibly disorientating because it's so imblanced. In your case, 16 years of thinking you know a person vs a couple of months having to get used to the idea that they are completely different.

The only way you'll get past it is time. Maybe there will come a point where your ex can try to apologise but I don't think that's for now. Good luck

You're right Cogito - you just can't switch off your feelings for someone because of something like this. BUT I am trying!! And the more I tihnk about his double life, the more sickened and ANGRY it makes me. How could he do that with our children around? And put my DD through having to be interviewed by the police & SS? I think he's had a porn addiction for years and has been drawn to harder and harder images (I've been following the 'End of my marriage - Porn again thread with interest and even posted about my experience on there). He is just not facing up to it at all, and even thinks we can still back together ...WTF???!!!! Apparently he doesn't want the DC to forget him - shame he wasn't thinking that at the time...
Thanks for all the support anyway.

my heart goes out to you. what a dreadful thing to have happened to your family. your DCs are lucky to have you x

I remember your shocking story on the other thread

I can't believe he thinks you will take him back together and that he does not want DC to forget him - how fucked up is that??!

It must be devastating to have your lives turned upside down like this.