Last year me and DF decided to have a trial seperation, been together 10 years, 2 dc's 5 and 9. Things that led up to it were money troubles, which although not totally his fault, were not helped by his managing of money. i.e wouldnt pay the council tax when it was due because 'we couldnt afford it' even though he just got paid and should of paid it and not paid something else less important when money ran low at the end of the month, it did my head in, he even lied about paying it aswell, and also lied about paying the rent which I only found out after we split.
Aswell as other things to do with money we had a bit of pressure with everyday life, sex wasnt very frequent which frustated him, I told him many times it was because I was miserable with no money to young children etc, he at one point suggested I needed to see a sex therapist which I said no to straight away.
Later we agreed to get a dog,(this was before any major money issues)we got one but he never fully discussed it with me and I was worried as it wasnt a puppy, we had problems straight away, tried our best spent money on training etc to no avail, this dog made my life hell and I told him I wasnt coping, but he refused to get rid, so all this was added pressure.
We got to a point where we were barely talking unless we were arguing, he kept threatning to move out and I always told him to go then, but he never did. It was me who had to bring up the convo of what he was doing, and I said id rather end it now while we could still sort of get on, he suggested a trial separation and said he'd move out and try and sort money and we'd already started looking for some new owners for the dog. He seemed really genuine and cried and said he really wanted to make this work. He then said we need to see a relationship therapist, which I said I would think about, as he didnt seem to aim it at a sex therapist just for me this time. He was suppose to be staying at a friends and giving me some space but never left and I felt like I had to push him out. A week or so later I commented on something on his facebook which he didnt agree with, about the dog and he deleted me.
The next day he went out to a show as his work had a stand there, I had a 'feeling' he'd taken someone, this woman had been commenting on all his status's on fb and had tagged a pic of them cuddling at the pub, which he told me about, but he said she was advising him about separation and stuff as she'd just been through it herself.
He never came back that eve to sort the dog or see kids. I hadnt heard from him all afternoon/evening and had to call him at 11 at night to check he was ok, and he didnt answer, just a txt back he was at pub and would stay at his mates that night. Next day came back in the afternoon and we had a big row, I asked if he'd taken her and he said he had so I got quite upset(we have a past I'll explain) I later discovered he hadnt stayed at his mates, even though he denied that, I ended the trial seperation. He left and only came round to see kids and couldnt wait to leave once that were put to bed, I was upset cos I knew he was going out with her in evenings. After a few weeks he came round apologising and stuff and helped out alot. We also slept together. I asked him if he'd been with anyone else and he always said he hadnt done anything wrong. He kept coming back and we sleep together a few more times, but he was always still secretive with fb and phone and he started acting like we were back together and trying to sleep with me but I knew something was up,he got very frustrated and told me I was paranoid, so I checked his emails and found proof he was in a relationship with this other woman. He had basically lied to me for 4 months, the amount of lies he must of told shocked me.This was last november, he said he'd ended it weeks before I found out as there was nothing there and he loved me, I messaged other woman and she said it never ended, so to this day I dont know if it would of carried on or if he was genuinely trying to finish it, he said she was depressed and had a history of sucide so was doing it gradually. He'd basically been living with her and telling me he was renting a bedroom in a mates house. He must of been with her literally days after I ended the trial and very likely slept with her the day he took her out as I now know he did stay at her that night, he hadnt even moved out and we were still trial separated.
Bit of history, prego with dc1 he went off rails wasnt about much, another woman in picture,at one point we arranged to go to brighton for the day, he left without me and later on a friend called and told me he'd seen him with another woman(hence getting very upset when I found out this time he'd taken a girl for a day out) left me 3 months after birth and was with her few weeks later, came back to me whilst still with her. 2nd pregnancy, all good till about 8 months in, he started going out every night never answered phone, girls name in picture who he was going to pub with, wasnt till I have a nervous breakdown a week before giving birth that he stopped..still dont know what he was getting up to, he swears he never cheated.
Since the last thing, he said he needs help and has a problem and arranged to see a counseller, this has still not come about and was probably the only reason I sat and talked nicely to him about what he'd done, and tried to understand. He says the doctor has messed it up but we should see someone together which Im fine with, but we've been plodding along and have good times, and Im waiting for this therapy that aint happening. In the meantime Im battling alot of mixed feeling and what to do, to let him try and make me happy like he promises, or can you just not trust a man like this, even though he says he is depressed and its pressure and stress that causes him to act this way.
I know most would say he needs to go, but we do get on he does know me well. I of course worry about the children and staying together for the family, and where I'd be if I did say enough is enough.he is a good dad. Im so confused and wondering if we ever did see a counseller together if they could really get me past all the hurt he has caused me, in particular how he treated me during my pregnancys I think has really affected me.
We do have good memories and every other time he treats me like a princess, does anything for me etc. But I cant shift these thoughts of him being with someone else. Its sort of got to a point where he is here every min he can, and acting like a couple and I have such feelings of resentment towards him, I dont want him here acting as if he lives here..all his stuff is here, he wont go when I ask, he said he does live here and has every right to be here as his kids live here, I dont think he has a right to be here till late at night and stay weekends when he wants after he slept and lived with someone else for 4 months, but he doesnt see it that way, just says I cant help it if this is my home.
I think I let him do this and I do stuff wth him because Im very insecure myself and dont have many friends and would be alone without him.I dont think I would have the confidence to meet anyone else. I worry he only came back to me because she wasnt the great girlfriend he first thought she'd be or something, or maybe because he didnt want to look after her 3 kids I dunno, I'll never know why it didnt work out between them, but am skeptical its purely becuase he loved me. I so confused, please help.