Love but not "in love"...

[AlwaysHopeful]

I need to talk, but can't think of a RL person to work this through with.

DH and I have DD (4) and DS (almost 2) and have been struggling with a "functional" marriage for a few years - probably since before I got pregnant with DD because all the effort of TTC for three years took the spark out of things a bit.

Anyhow, he's complaining regularly about our lack of intimacy, how he's at the bottom of my list of priorities, how I don't want to have sex and so on. Every time I go away overnight for work (one night a week, two or three weeks a month) he picks a fight and last night on my arrival home he siad two very alarming things:

"1) Tell me you're not going to leave me
2) Best case, you like your colleagues more then you like me, worst case you're having an affair"

He's desperate and clingy, I'm utterly at the end of my tether.

I do love him, but I'm not feeling any romantic notions any more. I don't want to have sex very often, I admit, but am physical in terms of kissing and cuddling. Certainly have no inclination to have sex outside my marriage.

I have lots of mummy friends in real life and many say they have similar situations, but I can't open up to anyone who knows us as a couple - I don't want them to lose respect for him, he's desperate. He's making the situation worse - he imagines I'm being unfaithful, he withdraws, is mean, moody, grouchy with the children, doesn't join in and effectively cuts himself off. Then he feels like I'm going to leave him.

The strain is making me feel sick.

How can I fix a problem that's in his head?

When dealing with insecurity the answer is to help the person feel more secure and more special. Put them top priority occasionally. Set aside time for them over other people. Do you ever go out as a couple? Spend weekends together without the children? Would you ever postpone something important to spend time with each other?

Also, people equate sex with love and believe that 'no sex' = 'you don't love me any more'. So you have to work between you on understanding that a) intimacy is good even when it doesn't lead to intercourse, b) absence of intercourse does not mean withdrawal of love and c) going on a business trip is not a personal attack. You might also throw in that few things are as big a turn-off as a needy, whining, jealous, grumpy man....

Should have been >some< people equate sex with love....

I have booked a night away for us as a surprise. He knew I'd booked it before I went away this week, but he doesn't know where we're going. We had a weekend away without the kids in March and a meal out together a couple of weeks ago, so I think we're dong comparatively well in that respect...

It's difficult to treat someone symathetically when you want to scream "get a grip", isn't it?

I'm trying and have been trying, but it's not getting me anywhere, I feel like I'm being challenged to do all the fixing.

However, I did come up with some suggestions of what we could do to work on it together and I'll try to keep positive.

Thank you for taking the time to respond

I don't know - some people are a bottomless pit when it comes to neediness. No matter what you say or do, it's never enough.

'Grow up' as well as 'get a grip' I'd suggest. :) Sounds like you have plenty of special time and I can't think why he's behaving this way. He's almost like a first born child having their nose put out of joint because two smaller ones have come along and they're no longer getting all the attention. Wearing in a five year-old, unacceptable in a grown man. You shouldn't have to do all the fixing, no. Because eventually, if you compromise too far to keep him happy, you'll have no life of your own left. Maybe your night away will be an opportunity to lay it on the line... cheer up or chuff off?