How do I get out of this mess

[Threelovelylads]

I don't know where to start with the mess that is my marriage but I'll try to make some sense here and would greatly appreciate any input.
My h and i have been together for 15 years. Our relationship has always been rocky and I now realise that I have been subjected to many years of emotional abuse. From the very start he was jealous and possessive and because of this I have not managed to make or maintain many adult friendships. Because of his sulkiness and general making life difficult I've often given in for an easy life. I don't and have never had any social life. I on the other hand have shown him nothing but trust and have never restricted him from doing as he pleases in life. I suppose I thought he would eventually reciprocate but it has started to dawn on me that he never will.
We have 3 children and like most men of this type he cherry picks what his input in family life should be.
Our arguments have been becoming more frequent lately and I've realised that I cannot continue to live my life with this adult baby. Life is just too short and my children deserve a better blueprint for what a 'normal' relationship looks like.
After one of our most recent arguments I was adamant that I wanted us to seperate. After much begging on his part and offering to have marriage counselling I agreed to giving things a go (again!). We have had 2 sessions now and I feel even more hopeless than before. The counsellor seems to be giving him most of the time to speak and at our last session suggested that maybe I was the cause of his unwillingness to help in the home. She suggested they maybe I was being controlling and wasn't letting him help as perhaps I actually liked things that way!!
I feel completely lost and alone and thoroughly without support. I really need to leave this marriage but am fighting an uphill battle to get out. Our situation is even more complicated as we are also business partners and our incomes depend on us being able to work a together and be amicable which I know won't happen if we split.
Yesterday he said that if I wanted to leave that he would stop working in the business, that I should leave the home and that I wasn't "taking his kids". Obviously these are the rantings of a man who feels out of control but I'm afraid I just don't know how far he'll go to hurt me in the event I do decide to leave.
This is very very difficult...

Well, he's trying to frighten you so that you won't leave. He's not in charge of you though is he? Probably a good idea to get advice - speak to CAB or solicitor for financial and legal matters and it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to Women's Aid too.

I wouldn't rely on him being amicable when you split so best to prepare yourself for that. What other options do you have workwise? Could you run the business without him for example? Think about the possibilities and how you might be able to make it work or if not what else you could do instead.

He won't automatically get to keep the house and be the primary carer for the children if he never has been before - no matter how entitled he may feel.

Your counselling sounds disastrous. I've seen mentioned on here that emotionally abusive partners should never be seen in couples counselling so might be an idea to knock that on the head.

yes, a great example of how abusive men often charm less than excellentcounsellors, end up dictating the sessions, and use them to their own advantage.

You know you want to split and I can see why. You know he will make it difficult no matter what, so you could choose to look at it as the quicker you get going the quicker it will be over, and be decisive, just get started on proceedings. One advantage of this is that (if you can stick to a nice hard line) it will actually give him a terrible shock and will create the impression that, finally, he has lost control. Softly-softly (which you are trying to do now) doesn't achieve that, and also will see you wading through quicksand for some time yet (and why waste more time?)

What I'd do:

• See solicitors for free half-hours. Get to as many as you can in your area (Tip - if you've consulted them, he can't use them ) For each one, focus on a different aspect so you get as much advice as possible.

-Sign up the best one and start divorce proccedings, prior to actually starting take action in any areas likely to create a reaction in him (e.g. if you want to remove half of money from any joint account, do that first, also ould get make sure you get all details of his finances - statements, pension etc. - before he suspects).

This is really the only way that you aren't going to simply waste another 18 months while getting more stressed, and for what? You KNOW he's going to make life/the business/parenting decisions difficult, so just get on with it. It's not as if another six months of persuading is going to make him a nicer man.

Once you've served, you need to batten down the hatches. Facts:

• You are married, you are the primary carer - no way will he get even 50% of the house, and you should get the right to stay there until youngest DC is 18 should you wish. You might well want a clean break and not to do that - if so, you should get the majority of the equity. Smile and say that you are happy for the court to decide how the equity is split. Repeat on loop.

• You are primary carer - his comments on you 'not taking his kids' may as well come from a hamster farting into a blizzard. Smile and remark on how you will be happy to let the courts decide, and how interesting it would be to see him come to the fore and take on the 24 hour job that is parenting at last.

• He will stop working in the business - you smile and say that if that's his decision, then you won't be able to stop him. 'You and the kids will suffer too' he'll reply. 'Rather that than bring them up with a dislikeable, abusive, nasty piece of work like you' you calmly reply.

Etc.

Stop couples counseling, and get counseling just for you. Couples counseling is a worse than useless in your situation (been there). It's all about helping reasonable humans see that they each contribute to the relationship difficulties. But he's not reasonable (his latest response to you proves this) so going into this sort of thing with him is like handing him the bullets: he'll hear what he wants to hear, and you'll start to doubt yourself; he'll be charming in front of an audience, and you'll offer any sort of compromise which he'll take as an admission that everything is your fault.

Take a look here ezinearticles.com/?Emotional-Abuse---Why-Marriage-Counseling-Makes-it-Worse&id=150156

It may feel like a mess- a disaster but believe me it isn't. You are very lucky as you have
a) realised what is happening
B) decided that you deserve better

So you need a plan of action. These things can be done bit by bit, or quickly but try to do something every day- and like a snow ball the further you get, the stronger you will become.
A) find out the financial info- keep a record of it at a friends/ in a file hidden at the house
B) consult the solicitors
C) cancel the counselling
D) investigate your choices for the business- cost of replacing one of you? Other employment options? Cv?
E) talk in rl to friends to get perspective as he will try to mind fuck you out of all this

Don't worry my dear, you can definitely do this, and moreover, it seems you must. Take your time, be honourable. Take advice and let it sink in. Avoid confrontation and keep to yourself more(from him I mean).

Thanks so much for the great replies. It makes such a difference getting advice from people who see the problems through my eyes. To the outside world my h is the epitome of charm. He's soft spoken, mild mannered and chivalrous. Nothing like the man I live with behind closed doors.

I'm really, really cross about the counselling though! I wasn't expecting miracles but I really felt like I was speaking but wasn't being heard at all!! My h came across as the lovely guy who has had a bit of hard luck over the years that has made him a bit difficult to live with and I came across as angry and agitated. We went into this weeks session not on speaking terms again because I didn't feel like having sex on Sunday night so my h used that as excuse to give me the silent treatment for 3 days. I raised this with the counsellor and she skimmed over it and proceeded to question my h on how he felt about what I was saying. The rest of the session was more or less devoted to my h going in to detail on all the hard luck he's had in life. I got 5 minutes at the end being asked how I felt about what was said and i was, justifiably I feel, angry that none of my feelings had been considered or discussed. She then asked me if i loved my husband. I replied that i didn't know. She ended the session there giving us 'homework' that involves scheduling time to talk. How the hell is that supposed to happen when my h left in a big strop because I wasn't declaring undying love.

If I don't get away from this marriage now I know i'll regret it. Thanks again for allowing me to vent.

If she were a better counsellor she'd realise she's dealing with EA and couples counselling would cease. I would personally withdraw from the counselling and suggest H goes by himself, if he so wishes.

And then I'd do as has been suggested and get legal advice.

The fly in the ointment is that you work together and your options here need to be considered.

I could have written your post! It took me many many years before I realised I couldnt face a future like that. I have only now got to a stage where I have the courage to instruct a solicitor. GoPoldark has given excellent advice and all I could add is get support from everyone, everywhere! I found WA very helpful, my GP, my Counsellor, my family. I realised that despite all my hurting, crying, desperation, no one could actually help me. I had to do it for myself.

I am just at the beginning of the end, and the beginning of a new life, it's scary but I know it will keep getting better :)

Good luck! {{hugs}}

Excellent advice from GoPoldark