Can we ever get over this?

[TheGruffalosbitch]

If I was reading this thread I would be screaming "leave the bastard"! but its never that simple is it!?!

Been with dh for 10 years, have 2 dc's under the age of 4. When my eldest DC was a baby I found out dh had had an affair. He had met someone online (younger). Met up with her twice and on the second time had sex with her. I was absolutely devastated!

I honestly stupidly thought we had the perfect relationship I was gobsmacked. This was 3 1/2 yrs ago. I decided to give things another go. He was/is my soul mate, and a fantastic father. Things were tough but I honestly stupidly thought we were stronger for it.

Fastforward 3 years. I get sent a bunch of emails from the OW, between her and my dh, They had been chatting on and off all this time! They both say they never met up in this period and the contents of the emails supports this.

the emails consist from general chit-chat "how are you, hows your day been" to extremely sexual stuff, what they would like to do to each other etc... (not that its any excuse what so ever, but dh has always had a higher sex drive than me)

His excuse, He doesnt know why he kept in contact, other bullshit like he has no friends, is lonely, flattered by this younger girls attention.

It would be so easy if I hated him, he would be gone, but more fool me I love him so bloody much beside this we are fantastic together, the best of friends and fantastic parents. So what now? is this salvageable? If I take him back will it just prove what a mug I am and he will do it to me again again and again.

rahhhh if only I could simply leave the bastard!

Well you could leave.

However, maybe you can deal with him putting it about and staying together. If you stay that's where you are with this relationship.

I know you love him so much - but does he love you so much? If he did would he be doing this? Sorry to sound harsh but you loving him isn't all its about... Surely you deserve someone who loves you back as much as you love him?

My h did this, online, and for years, lying like you wouldnt believe, until I finally got him to admit it.

He has got a second chance, against all the usual advice.

But then, he has changed alot, and in daily life in all sorts of ways.

He is older too, and the women lots younger.

He WILL NEVER get a third chance. I have promised myself that.

So sorry, and after all the turmoil you must have gone through, too.

Entitled prick, isnt he?

By the way, showed your thread to h, and he went 'aww! Thats not on."

Silly question, but have you really got to the bottom of why he has done this? You say you are "fantastic together, best of friends"....does he see things the same way as you do because I'm wondering if he does, then why on earth does he feel the need to cheat?
I think unless you really have a good honest and frank discussion with eachother and get him to open up to what has been going on, then he will probably keep doing it to you and you deserve so much more than that. You aren't a mug. You are just someone who loves her husband and family very much and wants to stay together. It's time he grew up by the sounds of things. He sounds very insecure if his excuses for doing it are because he's lonely/flattered.

You are neither fantastic together nor best of friends if he is writing creepy emails to someone he was knocking off behind your back.

Who sent you the emails?

The Ow did

So you were devastated and his response was to stay in contact with the OW?

He allowed you to spend 3.5 years "putting it behind you" while he continued a sexual relationship with her.

He was prepared to bring another child into a relationship he knew was based on lies, and happy to give you no choice in the matter.

What a prince among men!

If you can forgive being treated like second-hand shite by someone who finds lying to you as easy as breathing, then have at it.

I have had a simerlier probelum, while booking my DH birthday present 6 months ago I came across a usual page I opened it not expecting to find what I did, he had put him self on a sex site with naked pictures of him self on there, I felt shocked and sick.... I forgave him and tried to believe his excuss of I wanted some other attention I feel trapped being married with two kids" I was always up for love making but he told me I was to available. 4 months later he came home and said I love you.... But I'm not in love with you, walked out and left me with a 16 month old baby and a 3 year old. I wish now I had either left him and had been strong enough to know that we should of seriously talked about his issues properly and that even through I loved him so much I deserved much better than this. It has been the worst time of my life but I think you have to be kind to yourself... You deserve to be loved how you love them. Be strong :)

I recently broke up with "the one"- love of my life, soul mate, best friend, etc.

Society always says "you find "the one", marry them and live happily ever after". Unfortunately, you don't always fall in love with the right person. But you don't realise that until it's too late!

Although you never hear the stories "I found someone I really love and they really love me back, BUT we broke up because....", they are out there, more than you expect. So don't let the disney fantasy perfect relationship bubble which is conveyed by all of society blind you to the reality- he's treating you like shit. Sorry. This was almost exactly the same situation that I found myself in- EA that was just starting to get physical. She said she'd stop, but didn't take responsibility for it and would have probably started again had I not been so uneasy that she didn't think what she did was actually a really horrible thing to do to me :/

Right. So what I would do if I were him, if I genuinely loved my partner and wanted to stay: Cut off all contact with her. Change my mob number and my email if not necessary for work. Get off facebook. Go for counselling.

If I were you? If possible I would ask him to stay elsewhere for a while (your kids are young enough to not be too bothered by this ime). You need to get your head straight and consider relate just for yourself, ask yourself what you really want.

Is this your ideal man? Is this the relationship you dreamed of having when you were younger?

Butterflygp - that is awful - what a horrible thing to happen. "Too available"! I hope things are looking better now 6 months on - and glad you realise that you deserve better. Don't worry - he will get the sort of relationship he deserves....

Too available, not available enough..........it's all bullshit.

If they do it, it is because of the inadequacies within them, and nothing to do with you.