Asked DP to leave and now scared

[Orchidlady]

I am writing this as I have no one in RL to talk to and need to outside perspective, as slowing going mad. Sat SP of 19 years and told him I am deeply unhappy, we have not had a intimate relationship for years ( due to ED but that is all my fault apparently) he does very little around the house despite both of us working full time, he is not a particularly great Dad to DS but again my fault I should have known this WTF and financially he does not pull is weight and I have to bail him out all the time, if it was down to him we would have been homeless years ago. So we talk and talk , he thinks I am a bitch, yes I am now probably not a nice person to live with basically, He is so emotionless , so I ask him to leave. I feel unloved, undervalued I think he is taking the piss. We agree he needs to go today whilst DS is at school but I am still waiting for him to turn up. No I do not want to friends right now. Part of me want him to beg forgiveness and say things will be better but he doesn?t, why the fuck do I feel that??? But he just sits there agreeing that I deserve better. Years gone by he used to make me laugh, would buy me unexpected presents, makes thing, help around the house was good friend an partner. I am now scared though as seeing people my age ( 46) lonely and not in a relationship. I know many people will say being on your own is good but actually I don?t enjoy it, I don?t know what I am asking just need grow a backbone don?t I? I deserve more surely or shall I just muddle along, I am so confused, things could be a lot worse, judging what so poor people post here. Sorry this is ramble I am not very good at this. To make him leave I need to be really strong, he has nowhere to go!

making this break is good and positive.

you need time for you and DS to have peaceful times, and not be responsible for him.
do get support tho eg ask GP for referral to nhs counsellor just for those free six sessions to help you talk thru this with someone not involved.
yes you deserve more

it will be tough going and rollercoaster next few weeks but you will emerge happier stronger etc.

think of set phrases o say so no more talking round in circles . "i've made my decision". maybe make complete break for couple days of no contact so you can both get your heads around it?

"Part of me want him to beg forgiveness and say things will be better but he doesn?t, why the fuck do I feel that??? "

Because that's probably how you've coped for a lot of the last 19 years. Hoping he goes back to how he was when you first met. It's a pretty natural thing to hope for. However, if you're both unhappy and there's no sign of it ever changing you can either keep flogging a dead horse and stay miserable or do what you've done and ask him to go.

Being single is very often far less lonely than being in a bad relationship btw. Good luck

I actually really sick right now, just want it to all better

He doesnt want to change, does he.

And you dont want to live like this.

You have no energy for an outside or better life simply because of the amount of mental energy and time it takes to run this relationship.

So let him go, and see.

If you are strong, for once, and stop letting him walk all over you, he may even in a few months decide to change. He certainly has no incentive to as yet.

Well done for getting him out.

Five Thanks but he isn't out yet, we agreed he would drop DS @ school and he would come back and take his stuff as I really do not want DS to be here when he leaves.. But he has not shown up!

Is it packed ready, or is it a days work to pack it all? Is he maybe out looking for somewhere to go?

I actually now think he has not taken me seriously, so probably at work. I was mostly calm, did get a little upset when he keep contradicting himself.

So you're packing it for him?

Could you text him to ask when he will be round for his stuff?

I am working, well not on here

just wanted to say I feel for you. Hope he leaves nicely.

Can your ds go to a friend's house tonight in case your dp is planning to cause a scene in front of him? Just a thought.

I remember feeling just like you do now when my exH walked out on me and the kids for his whore. But you will be amazed at how quickly you will find your feet and how liberating it is not to have that weight of unhappiness dragging you down.

Take it a day at a time. Cry if you want to - I did (mainly for the what should have been, all the hopes and dreams I thought we were going to share together.) Before you know it you will be laughing.

Don't worry about being 46 and alone. You might actually find out you like your own company and when your ready to meet someone else it will happen. (I had a great role model in my DM - she has been widowed twice (at 44 & 65) after very long relationships with my DF and DSF, but now in her 70s she has a new man).

You deserve to be happy! Keep telling yourself that. Before you know it you'll be as happy as that teenage girl living inside of you.

Mumof thanks I wish I thought that would be true but none of this feels real I feel numb, we actually split several years ago and he went for 1 month I was a complete mess. Go you DM btw. My mum actually split from my Dad when when she was bit older then me now, she got remarried last year and very happy. I am not going to beg this time, I have been totally honest with him, and hope feels ashamed right now

I need some hand holding as beginning to fall apart. DP still not moved out . said he come back soon and pack his bags Rang him this morning to find out why he is still here, said he did not want to upset DS, ( could of moved out on Friday or Saturday), he is doing my head in. I feel so confused he keeps giving mixed messages. We have been together since out mid 20's not sure I am coping very well, jsut cannot stop crying, I could make him stay but that is not the point. I wanted him to show some intiative but just does not seem to give a toss. So I need to keep telling myself I deserve more than this but not doing a very good job.

You do deserve more. You know life will be better once he's out and you are more settled...it can be done. It only takes a few weeks before you will be feeling stronger and more together.

pack his stuff, leave it in the garage or driveway. Tell him it's to be gone by 5 pm or it's going to the charity shops. And mean it! Don;t let him faff around, doing things his way. It's your way now.

If he isn't going to change then you have too.

No more cooking or washing for him. Tell him everyday he has to look for somewhere else to sleep/live. I hope he isn't in the marital bed?

You both want to split, you have custody of the child I assume or will be the main carer? So he has to go.

It sounds to me like he is hanging around trying to mess with your head, hoping you will crumble and take him back.

If he hasn't packed and gone by tonight, pack for him - he can go in the morning.
Have you both told DS what is going to happen and why?
It's going to be hard for a while but you can get through it, plenty of us do! Have you told any friends/family about the situation? It will help.
Be strong xxxx

thanks CaptainI was so sure last week, now why am I falling apart, stupid thing he has done nothing to make things were or ask for a chance to make things work,, I need to get some strength from somewhere.

He doesn't think you're serious and has no intention of moving out, because he doesn't want to. And what you want doesn't count. For this kind of man, the relationship isn't over until he says it is.

You are going to have to get tough, and to stop expecting him to be reasonable or to "agree" to anything. You want to split because he can't act loving and reasonable. There is no reason to think he will suddenly start acting reasonable and out of concern for you in a split: he won't.

Draw your red lines and stick to them.

This is incredibly tough and I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you can do it, and there is a better life waiting for you on the other side.

Thought I reall wanted this but now not so sure. Part of me wants him to beg for another chance, but I know he never will he has had so manyt chances to do so give me sign wht we should try an make things but just not seem to give a toss. Other than the inconvenicne of trying to find somewhere to live

You are the master of your own life, OL.

Your last post is all about what you want him to do. That way of looking at things won't get you anywhere, sadly.

Only you can decide what you want, and only you can decide what you are going to to do about it.

So: what do you want? And what are you going to do about it?

Ok get those bags packed & ring the nearest locksmith.

Put the bags in the door step & get new locks. You are not locking him out the locks jammed. ;) He can have a key once you have one cut (don't rush)

He needs to see you are serious.

Make a list of things to do it'll help keep you focused & feeling in control.

Are you Ok financially? Make sure he doesn't empty out any joint bank accounts. Inform the bank, your mortgage lender etc of your situation just so he can't ring up debt in your name. Where possible get names changed to just you.

If you need to ring the tax credits helpline & see what you're eligible for.

Ring a solicitor for your free half hour, ask around for one that has a good reputation, personal recommendation is the best.

There are many more but I'll not throw them all at you at once!

Plese don't presume he'll play fair, many do but more don't.

Lastly keep posting, there are loads of us here to support you.

you going to need to take charge here.
he can/will find somewhere to go short term - and once he has it will be easier to shut th door and not allow him back.