I think dh might unknowingly be in some ways abusive ? its in the small things though, and I get confused by the definitions since in the past I have physically hit and kicked him (lashing out when I was cornered), which makes me the abusive person.. I no longer get physical, but I am worrying because I think the verbal abuse is getting worse when we row (both of us) and it is starting to frighten our dd. We did attend a marriage course, but nothing?s really changed. Essentially dh thinks everything?s fine and I?m making mountains out of molehills, and I?m reading this board and thinking we?re going to end up divorcing within 5 years if nothing changes!
We argue about money (mostly why we don?t have any). I have to make all the financial decisions and usually it is deciding which payment to default on this time. Meanwhile he starts planning our next holiday so I have to be the bad guy by questioning how on earth he expects us to pay for it.
We argue about parenting ? he says I?m too soft. I think he is too harsh and as I do 98% of the childcare (and think the kids are calmer and better behaved when he?s not in the room) I also refuse to change my parenting style to his. dh appears to resent anything they do that interrupts what he wants at that time. He only likes them clean (and dribble-free), quiet, and on best behaviour.
We argue about housework, because he does none, and yet still feels entitled to tell me what to do and how often. Several times he has said if he saw a house as filthy as ours during his work then he would have to report the kids to SS! I don?t believe him of course, because although the house can be messy (especially while weaning) it is easily cleaned in a couple hours even at its worst. My usual retort is if it is as bad as he says than why doesn?t he get off his own arse and it himself! He sometimes promises to do a specific task (like mop the floor) so I make sure I don?t do it for him ? 2 weeks later it really is in a state (although has been swept several times) and then I end up doing it anyway because we have guests coming.
If you got this far, has anyone else felt in a similar position and the relationship improved once the children were older (not so needy) and the pay got better? I feel put upon and taken for granted (like I'm his mum)! Dh wants me to get a new job and thinks I?ll be happier if I earn enough to pay someone else to do the housework and childcare. My crystal ball tells me that even then I would still be doing the mornings and bedtimes and laundry, etc...
I?m going to post this now before I edit too much and later get accused of drip-feeding!