Leaving without saying goodbye?

[UrbanPrincess]

This might be a bit long so sorry in advance and thanks for reading.

I'm a single mum of 2, aged 13 and 6. I've been on my own for 5 years after splitting from my ex (father of my 6 yr old). He had become increasingly violent over the years progressing from destroying my home to actually attacking me and I finally found the courage to end it.

Last summer he made threats to kill me and he was convicted of that in December, his 4th or 5th conviction for offenses against me (sorry, I'm starting to lose count). He is currently on probation for 1 year (or whatever they call it now).

A few months ago I got back in contact with an old ex via Facebook and we are now back together. The plan is for me and the girls to move back down south where he lives (and where all my family live) and I'm making plans to get my home sold. However, I've spoken to the Police Domestic Violence Unit and they have advised me not to tell my children or anyone who might tell him or his family, when we are moving. As the children go to his parents alternate weekends (where he has access to them) I can't even tell my oldest when and haven't told my youngest at all in case she tells him and puts me and them at risk.

I feel so bad that my children won't get a proper chance to say goodbye to their friends, that we are literally going to disappear one day :(

I know I'm doing the right thing for my own safety but I feel so guilty about this :(

That sounds really rough. I'm sure there will be some people on here with some good advice and wise words. Might be worth asking MN to have your post moved somewhere they are more likely to see it though? Possibly relationships (might be a few people with similar experiences on there)?

I wonder if there's some way you can plan things to tell people just after the kids have been to his parents but not right before you go, so they can have at least a week or a few days to say their goodbyes? Or maybe he's going on a holiday sometime and you could do it while he's away? Hope you get something sorted anyway and that you have a lovely fresh start down south.

I have no experience of your situation, but DCs of a similar age.

I'd make a point of making sure you have contact details of your DCs most important friends and "people" before you go, so that when you are sure you are safe, and in a way that you can manage, you can establish some sort of contact.

The very best of luck, you are very brave, and I can't even imagine what you have all been through. Knowing that you and they are safe and that you love them will be so important to them.

We left our old home without massive goodbyes, for lots of reasons. We've managed to re-establish contact with those who matter to us though.

I am sorry to hear about what you've been through. My parents moved me when i was about 6 with not much discussion and I got over it pretty quick (couple of months) but it will be v difficult on ur older child I would have a hypothetical conversation with her and hear her thoughts. 13 year olds can think rationally but as she is a teenager try to tread carefully to not undermine her let her feel that she is an adult with an input. Obviously only if ur hypothetical conversation goes well and depending on ur dd only u know her well enough to make that call

Whoops u have told ur oldest! sorry misread. Goodluck! It's sounds like a move for the best

Look, if the police are advising you to not tell anyone for your own safety, I would listen to them and take it seriously. I don't mean to be blunt, but they have seen what happens when it goes wrong and that doesn't bear thinking about.

Sorry :( I know it's awful for your children not to be able to say goodbye, but your safety (that's your as in yours AND your DCs') is WAY more important.

I am sure your oldest will be on facebook etc in a few months/years if she is not already, and she will soon find old friends on there. Sounds like your eldest knows a bit about what's going on? Perhaps she will be more understanding than you think.

As an aside, when I was around 11 or 12 there was a series on TV called "See How They Run", based on a book of the same name. It was about a family who had to flee suddenly through a witness protection scheme and it's told through the voice of the older daughter who is I think 15 or so. Your DD might like to read it, if it wouldn't be too scary for her. The criminals they're fleeing from never appear in the story but the family's old house does get burned down, which gave me nightmares at the time I wasn't as upset by reading it though as I was with the TV images.

Thanks very much for all your replies. My oldest does know we are moving and she does know what's gone on, she's seen far too much unfortunately.

Aah, I just feel so sad that we don't get to have a goodbye party or anything and have to sneak away because of HIM! I can't even put my property on the market until I'm gone because he or his family might see the For Sale sign.

Just sick of him dictating how I live, even now. It's very unfair on me and my girls.

It's awful :( it's such a shame there are such nasty people out there. I'm sorry he's affected your life so much.

Can you focus more on the 'arriving in your new life" rather than 'leaving your old life"? Have a "Hello" party at the other end and focus on the positive as much as you can. This is an exciting new start in your life's journey.

You have protected your children - and leaving without a Goodbye is part of the protection process.

Well done and good luck!

I don't quite understand wiil the childrens father continue to have acess to his children??

I was wondering why he had access too.

Currently my ex has access to the children alternate weekends at his parents house. Contact is done either through them or a solicitor. He is the father of my youngest (no PR) and the step-father to my oldest.

Access has stopped and started over the years depending on what Social Work have advised. I have never put my children at risk and at the same time have tried to maintain their relationship with their dad.

When we move I am willing to bring the children back up for access visits a few times a year but would also expect him to either travel down and collect them to holiday locally with them or fund one or two of the journeys back up here. This is due to the fact that I have had very little in the way of maintenance over the last 5 years and haven't received a penny for nearly 7 months now.

If you ask him to come and 'holiday locally' with the DCs, won't he end up knowing where you are?

No, he won't have my address. Contact will be done via my parents.