where do you start with this?

[Offred]

history; married for 3+ years, together for 4+, four children - two from previous (abusive) relationship, eldest 6, youngest 2. Husband was a virgin when met me, i have history of sexually abusive element in relationship with XP and past history of sexual assaults and mental illness which had a physical base which is now treated. DH lacks confidence and suffers performance anxiety (sorry may be TMI).

I'm struggling at the moment to control my high libido and feeling stressed and rejected by his much lower desire, his lack of sexual assertiveness and physical/emotional closeness.

There's a lot of issues behind it that make it hard to talk about, including his performance anxiety and unconfidence about his lack of experience which I don't want to provoke, as well as my difficulty to deal sensibly with sex.

However I'm feeling really detached from him at the moment and sad. I'm also having fantasy dreams about other people which I'm just finding upsetting. I just don't know where to begin trying to sort this out. I've tried initiating, sticking to his comfort zone, doing things around the house to try and make him feel less stressed and more relaxed at home and just hoping it is a rough patch and will improve but it just seems to be dwindling and him detaching. Feel like he spends all his time on the computer and at work. I feel stressed about how he behaves about work (working in the night and then insisting on riding motorbike on a 46mile round trip commute to work a full day on no sleep despite being allowed to stay home and sleep) and like he is trying always to escape to work.

Not sure really where the problem lies; me - unhealthy attitude to sex, him - stressed and withdrawn or the relationship - just mismatched. Not sure how to tackle it without making it worse. DH does not like to talk, he gets defensive and blaming and I get upset and end up none the wiser if I haven't gone into the conversation with strong aims and ideas. He is lovely but grumpy.

bump

Have you looked at his computer browsing history? Is he really working, or could he be looking at porn? Might explain his lack of interest - or maybe he has deluded himself into thinking that it would spice up your love life?

Can't really think there's anything to replace improving your communication and ask him what's going on.

You don't mention how old he is but if he was a virgin when you met him he may have some issues with the sexual part of life/relationships that makes him escape into work/computer fantasy...

You say you've tried initiating, how does he react then? (you don't have to answer, just to get you thinking).

He sounds closed emotionally too to be honest.

Hope you're having/had some counselling to deal with your previous experiences.

Seems like you both have lots of issues..but that was the case, even when you first met. Have things changed recently? I feel for you, must be hard to try to make things better with someone who doesn't see a problem.

Can't offer much in the way of solutions - only sympathy. x

He isn't looking at porn, the computer is in the playroom and he uses his work laptop for work and it is monitored by his employers. When he's off work on the computer he is sitting in the playroom which has double doors into the front room where I am sitting and he is usually playing chess, tweeting or reading scientific journals or things about motorbikes because I can see the screen!

I am not entirely convinced that talking about it will help because he is so unconfident and gets performance anxiety badly. I think that his desire may not be much lower than mine, just he has been used to suppressing it.

Things were fine and progressing well as far as him getting more confident in the beginning but the last pregnancy knocked it. It was difficult and we stopped having sex for 18 months. It made me angry and unreasonable with him but I also had to work through a fear of sex that I had developed concurrently in counselling and some issues that were provoked by his friend having a crush on me, getting drunk and being pervy which totally freaked me out. We haven't got back to where we were since then and it seems like things are getting worse. I think it might be bad for me to start a conversation about it if I don't have clear ideas because it will upset him.

I also think he sees the problem but is afraid to confront it/stressed out at work and with the children.

Bumpity bump

Sounds like you could do with seeing a counsellor together.

I'm sure he does see that there is a problem. However, if he is not a confident person, if he doesn't cope well with conflict, if he doesn't think he knows how to fix the problem, if he finds you intimidating, then he'll just try to avoid it. Being at work or on a computer is easier, let's face it, than having deep, meaningful conversations about relationships.

I would say that if you can't talk constructively either voluntarily or via a counsellor you haven't much chance of resolving this. You may simply find that you are incompatible.

I think he would talk, I have talked before and the main outcome was that he had awful knocked confidence and involuntary performance anxiety and we had to abstain and then start again slowly.

I tried again last night with initiating but letting him be completely submissive and it seemed to help him relax and he was actually much more proactive than usual/ ever before.

Problem is now I have to be comfortable with being exclusively dominant for a while in order to draw him out of himself. It isn't something I don't want or can't do but I have difficult feelings tied up in.

I think what cogito says strikes cords. He is avoiding, I think he may know that he needs me to be a bit gentle at introducing him both to sex and to communication but is intimidated and afraid of conflict. What are the chances of drawing him out into both things bit by bit? Counselling would be way too much for him I think. I think he is willing to learn to communicate but he lived by himself for so long (he is mid thirties now).

I think both of you would benefit from couple counselling and also cognitive behaviour therapy. A trip to the GP could get it arranged also giving the GP a chance to check for depression. I was in a similar situation with my partner recently. Take care x

You think I am focusing too much on short term outcomes by poo pooing counselling?

I'm not convinced he would go, or that it would help if he went just to avoid communicating (I.e. the problem). It isn't just him with difficulty communicating though I know.

I'm not depressed ATM, I've had counselling recently, I don't think he is depressed but I think he would benefit in many aspects of his life from being a better communicator (I only have probs communicating with him).

I also am conflicted about couples counselling because when I think about it I am and have been private about my sexual history. I have consciously decided and it is something my RASA counsellor supported, to keep my history private. Her perspective was that marriage did not mean sharing absolutely everything and that it was up to me who I told what to and when.

I'm not sure it would be helpful to share or for him to be told. It would make him feel wrong and taint the relationship for him to be told specifically and not just suspect.

Does he acknowledge there is a problem? It is all completely your decision and down to how you feel, but sometimes how we react to situations now is affected by what has happened in the past and he may get a better understanding of how you are feeling if you talk about it. X

He hasn't denied or acknowledged there is a problem if that makes any sense? He just listens and tries to do things that are better but ultimately it creates a prolonged period of complete inability to maintain an erection because he is just intimidated. Either that or he gets defensive and makes up some ridiculous and stupid thing that is my fault that derails the talk and makes me analyse whether I have done what he's accused me of for a while.

I went out with my friend last night, which was good, I have been able to drip feed information I am comfortable with to her about my experiences and feelings as and when opportunities present themselves over a few years. Last night friend (who is a trained counsellor) and I had a good talk, I have come to a conclusion that if we just work through things bit by bit and I am gently dominant and allow him to be entirely submissive if may help us both. The night before I did this and he responded extremely proactively so I think he just needs the pressure off not more on IYSWIM. I also have someone to talk to.

I think telling him bad and pointless right now, things have worked well with my close friend who I have gradually opened up too. He knows my second child is the result of rape by XP and that is what caused the end of our relationship, he knows I went to counselling recently, that the reasons for it were triggered by his friend being pervy (who was an eejit but who I've talked to and we've straightened things out with) but not where I went for counselling.

But just as an example of his prudishness! I just asked him "did you find it difficult to meet people when you lived in London" (another friend is thinking of moving there, is in mid thirties and desperate to have a family) and he said "Well... not really... I didn't make any FRIENDS, just with people at work"